Delva Bar

Things I can't put on twitter

2012-01-20T23:21:00.000-05:00

I can't find my damn lighter
I really wanna makeout with my bullshitter

I miss kissing more than fucking

From August 17,2011

2012-01-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

my life is a minefield
and every step I take I feel like I risk blowing something up
and every other word is a prayer to God
hoping he hears mine like everyone else'
I'm stubborn and I fight
it may not be right
and I know it isn't
but I want this one shot
to maybe prove myself wrong
no more fighting
I've cried and cried today
all I wanted to do was apologize for my share of the problems
he won't talk to me
and when he does answer my hello comes out in a whine
"I haven't talked to you in hours"
and all it does is set him off
I pray the rage will end quickly
he scares me I annoy him he hurts my heart
and it's a cycle over and over again
I'm all cried out
and I can't really feel right now
all I know is that is a nice feeling
lets stick with nice feelings
and eating less no comment on
the last statement

I'm a Storm Warning

2012-01-20T22:05:00.002-05:00

I almost left but I couldn't find a perfect shell like the ones daddy used to
I even prayed....
but for now the sea and I weren't meant to be

don't make me regret my choice

I'll be hauled off in high heels and handcuffs

2012-01-12T00:46:00.000-05:00

If this fails
you'll find me on the beach
my heart can't take another break
this one will jade me beyond reach
a warning
to all those
don't try to save me
crazy men make crazy women
and I'm in the running
remember this always
I know better than this
but my heart just stays
so when he breaks it this time
all the prozac in the world can't save me
just let me be
hell bent on self destruction
and heartbreak

Stanzas for Music 1815 Lord Byron

2012-01-11T19:32:00.000-05:00

They say that hope is Happiness,
but genuine Love must prize the past
And Memory wakes the thoughts that bless;
They rose the first they set the last;

And all that Memory loves the most
was once our only Hope to be
And all that Hope adored and lost
hath melted into Memory

Alas!it is delusion all:
the future cheats us from afar,
Nor can be waht we recall,
nor dare we think on what we are.

Love conquers all

2012-01-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

I crave sunflowers in July
a sunrise with you
beaches full of memories

a tattoo of yesterday today and tomorrow

oh and lets fast forward 5 years

I'd give anything for a carolina sky by morning

2011-11-13T23:50:00.001-05:00

The ocean like the heart
holds many keys to unlocking
the secrets to the soul
it's only within
that ocean
that one can be found again

Truth or Fiction

2011-11-10T23:46:00.000-05:00

1.I do things sober most people do drunk

2. I'm always in the process of quitting smoking

3. I have a secret love hate relationship with Taylor Swift's music

4. I wish my insecurities were beautiful and not annoying

5. I used to be a lot stronger

Something to think about

2011-11-10T00:05:00.001-05:00

I like whiskey with a cigarette and a diet coke I'm destined to be somebody's "whiskey girl"

"You have an excuse for everyone in your life don't you"?-A.S.
     yeah I do it's sad but I love like Jesus unconditionally

"Can't you just pretend to be happy when you're around me"?-BRM
     Baby for you I'd do anything and that's the problem
    ps.when you hold me now I still feel safe and when I close my
eyes I can still hear you singing,"I'd do anything Just to hold you in my arms"
while you held me rare even then....I remember realizing I had fallen for you"Amazed" was playing my hair was spread out all on the bed and we were kissing it felt right and you kept saying "you know I'm gonna end up marrying you right"? I wish you had been right
pps. "Every light in the house is on" just in case you still LOVE ME but we both know you won't call me back tonight.....I'd give anything for one of those 4 am your stoned as hell and asking me why I'm not there
and where I am....not gonna happen again

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years"?- Mom
Outloud,"I don't fucking know" inside "loved and cherished"

"Does he care for you"?-Papa
   I keep telling myself in his own way he still does....but we both know the truth one way or another

Rants not poetry

2011-10-21T00:57:00.000-04:00

driving back this morning I cried
the good stuff came on
and I remember when you told me,"that's ok baby I'm supposed to eat burnt suppers the whole first year"
after the lemon chicken disaster
fun facts
hypnotize was the song playing on your ipod when I got back from springbreak
I miss you so much it hurts
you said you'll miss me this morning
but denied it this afternoon
so.....
you don't love me anymore
RIGHT......
I keep saying this over and over again
and yet it doesn't help
this isn't even about you
you were just one more man to walk out of my life
one more to let me down
so why do I keep going back?
do you remember me waking up bawling because I dreamed that you died just like daddy?
you held me close
and kissed the top of my head and said," I'll never leave you I promise"
LIES LIES LIES
was it all a lie
"we're friends"
that kills me
he called me your girl yesterday
I can't remember the last time someone said that
and you didn't even bother to correct him
I remember all the messages promising me that you wanted to change for me
that you wanted to marry me
that I was worth it
and for the first time in my entire life
I felt safe
I knew it would be ok
but it wasn't
still I see you every other week
just like I did before
I still hang up your clothes make you dinner do the dishes etc
but you don't love me right?
I can't move on
hanging out with another guy feels WRONG
like I'm cheating on you
when we had our week in july
it was so unlike years before
no rash elopements
but
you said my song was "everything"
whatever happened to that
still
my perfect memory will always be us all oiled up
me in my tortilla chip bikini that's what you called it because it was so small
overlooking the ocean holding hands
sitting in those damn chairs you had to bring
and yeah I'm still bitching
but my god I miss holding your hand
during something other than.....
I just wish you hadn't given up on me
because baby I still haven't given up on you

tell me

2011-10-09T21:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm not sure which way to go

Truth

2011-10-07T00:53:00.001-04:00

I'm sick of the hurt
I just want sweet
simplify my life
lets get high from the music again
tell me the truth
bravery is beautiful
have the courage to be jealous
a prized possession
wishful thinking
living in denial
I'm a damsel in distress
all the time
flat tires
locked in a room
prince charming is a joke
didn't you know?

PS: Sex and Candy is my ringtone again because I've been all head Carolina tails California and it didn't work I need me back

2 am thoughts

2011-09-14T02:27:00.002-04:00

I believe you can sleep when you're dead

I believe in pearls

being called a wild child made my week

and made me smile

I think I should say I'm sorry because I am

I believe in cuddling and fighting because it's fun

*** Lost causes are my speciality***

I have hope for everyone even those who dissapoint me

"he's my last project"

I can't remember how many times I've said that

no one tells the truth

a lie is prettier

I'd rather not be taught a lesson right now

let's see who breaks first.......

I've always been the "difficult kind"

2011-09-14T00:53:00.000-04:00

and we fall into the same old patterns
because it's easier than being alone
I think this as I laugh bitterly
I feel the wind on my face
as I careen through the night
hell bent on self destruction
a little bit at a time
because lets face it
"I'm too pretty to die"
I say as I inhale my cigarette
my passenger
a past mistake
laughs and shakes his head
I can't hear his voice over the music
and lets be honest I really didn't want to
I regretted bringing him along
his existence saddens me
passionless
I needed the burning end of a bright candle
to meet me in the middle
lost in thought
I blink back
to the night I drove along the train
and I froze
memorizing the moment
now I know where it is
the only thing that lets me know
I'm not alone at 3 am

such a pretty lie

2011-08-26T19:18:00.002-04:00

I remember the last night we spent together
we fought
like always but it was different this time
at the end
you wanted me to hold you
I held you in my arms kissed your head
while I whispered "I'm sorry"
and for once you said "me too"
I knew this would be the last night I ever held you
when we were one
and it was
I pushed you away
over the edge
because you really didn't make me happy
the pain did
I can't remember our last kiss
and the fact that I may never see you again
scares me
I'm not angry I'm just broken
your voice so cold now
I don't even know you
But this is how I remember you
I remember the beach
and making love in my favorite room
going to daddy's grave
I wasn't sure if I should take you there
but
the tears in your eyes surprised me
I thought he finally gets it
but you didn't
I miss that boy the one I thought I knew
but lets be honest
I was just the fallback girl
and now I go on like you don't exist
but you did
and the memories remain like a song lost in time

palm reader crossed off the list

2011-08-25T21:49:00.000-04:00

it's done
At one time I imagined you being at the end of the aisle as I walked down
and now I'm not even sure if you really loved me at all
last night I thought you would have a bit more heart
but you were cold
making me feel like a common place whore
I don't know what's more wounded my pride or my heart
I thought it would be different
but it's not
different guy same story
this time he stayed a little longer
I just want someone to save me
I'm on the verge of a downward spiral and an uphill battle
I never thought I'd let myself get this bad
I don't regonize the girl in the mirror
she's foreign
somehow I lost myself again
and where to find it.....
I'm not quite sure
I do know that I have to stop making puzzle pieces try to fit together that don't belong
you were a piece and we just didn't quite align
oh i've said that so many times
goodbye

palm reader
god of wine
losing a whole year
how's it gonna be/wounded

thought

2011-07-20T22:29:00.002-04:00

I'm too young to feel this old

Things I've been meaning to say for a while

2011-06-16T03:14:00.000-04:00

I'm a rambling spirit always driving
bc I can't sleep
"I'll call you when I get home"
bullshit
I believe you should always say I love you before bed
I'm in limbo
I need direction
to somewhere other than a pack of cigarettes and a diet coke
I just want to drive to somewhere
where no one knows my name
I'm getting restless this always happens
my heart torn in two
bc I just don't know what to do
I can't stay here
but I can't go there
I spend too much time alone
moms asked me the other day to
"picture yourself in 5 years"
I don't even know what I'm doing this weekend
how the hell would I know what i'm doing with my life
I wanted so much more than this
and it just seems that I'm stuck
and there's no way out
I wanted to travel
see the world
all I ever see is the interstate
back and forth back and forth
my life in a bag
he doesn't seem to get that
Carolina heals my soul
in a way he never can
wild at heart
I'll always be
and he wants to settle down
there
I've never wanted to be in one place for too long
I need western skies
always looking wandering
maybe one of these days I'll run into myself
I don't wanna run away from love
but I don't want to be trapped bc of it
I always promised myself I'd see more do more
what am I doing now? NOTHING
I don't want to regret anything
but I want to be the way I used to be
I knew myself
now I'm scared of losing something
that's killing me
slowly
I used to have so much personality
but now I'm a shell
so I have to ask the question?
Can I be with you and get myself back?
here's to hoping

Ramblings ignore please

2011-06-04T01:05:00.000-04:00

I made it through today
silly isn't after all these years
"she's really immature but cool"
"I'm buzzing don't ask for a list or I will give it to you"
a list of things wrong with me
here's a big middle finger to YOU
I'm not perfect I never will be
I used to be like you either love me or hate
and if you don't well
FUCK YOU
I don't even know who I am anymore
I feel like so much is missing
Running away seems like my only antidote
like I can't stand to be in the same place for too long
because then I have to deal with me
I'm gonna fall asleep alone
and wake up alone
knowing that you say you love me but you could leave me
trusting praying you won't
and maybe tomorrow will be better
hope keeps us alive
I just need to remember that

Is there anybody out there?

2011-05-25T22:52:00.000-04:00

once upon a time isn't that how all fairy tales start
Well once upon a time I had it all
and it always hurts this time of year
we're coming up upon 9 years in 8 days
the sad thing?
it still feels like yesterday
yet it still feels like a dream
I always feel like a part of my heart is missing
and no one understands my soul
they just graze the top of it
I'm not screwed up like I always thought
just a little broken
like a scared puppy
no matter how many times I hear the words I love you
I have horrific nightmares of being left
no one understands that
the older I get the worse it becomes
tears keep spilling
while I wake up alone most of the time
haunted by memories of the past
knowing today won't be a fairytale
and daddy's forever gone

Fallen Princess

2011-05-18T21:26:00.000-04:00

a princess no more
her crown gone
she now stands
in mustard yellow
no sorrow felt for her
she's taken every advantage
she had and thrown it away
do you see her in the mirror
no more facade's
she's young and broke
glamorous no more
what happened they ask
as whispers come her way
will depression ensue
no instead
she fakes a smile
while she cries herself to sleep
praying that it's one day closer
to being next to him
she tells no one
she lost her muchness
she can't find the words
more than anything she needs to know it's gonna be ok
and finally believe the words spoken to her
maybe someday she'll return castle intact
everyone's love and admiration surrounding her
but until then she remains
exactly what she is
a fallen princess

more caution less leaping

2011-05-18T20:53:00.000-04:00

Wicked game the song that I blame for all recklessness committed in my life
the words compel me to do something crazy
like runaway never look back
isn't that something we all dream of
to have that time where we can't be found unless we want to be
I'm always told I'm crazy
but a truly insane person wouldn't do the mundane things I do
tan workout go find a job get a job wait to start a job
my life used to sparkle
maybe that's all I want
or maybe I just need to be taken away from it all
but I'm an adult now and I have to act like it
or I get the one thing I really love taken away from me
it's sad when all I want is to play wicked game
smoke a cigarette and dance with you in the desert at dusk
maybe someday we can get there
but right now is not it
I don't want to whine anymore or bitch about the same old things
I just want to be under a desert sky
clouds everywhere about me
letting my heart reign free
this may not be my game or even my song
but it has my heart
just as much as you do

kiss light my heart

2011-05-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

do you remember that time

dancing in the rain

kiss lighting cigarettes

when you don't even smoke

you do things just to make me smile

I didn't cry as I drove away today

but it breaks my heart every time

I get on 24 going towards where I live

it's not even home anymore

home is where the heart is

and my heart beats with you

it just feels right

laying in your arms like we did this afternoon

you make me feel at peace

and for a girl who's been at war for a long time

I've finally surrendered to you

letter #1

2011-05-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

I really needed you tonight
just to hear your voice
to hear anything
I need a hug and you're not here
I can't stop crying because I see my baby brother suffer
why does your phone have to be dead
why.....do I need you like this why
I love you so much baby
I guess I rely on you too much
I just want someone to hold me
so i don't have to feel alone
I hate feeling alone

You're my favorite bright crayon

2011-05-08T23:17:00.000-04:00

"So brown eyes I hold you near

Cause you’re the only song I want to hear"

The smell of honeysuckle hits me
as I drive down kingston
headed to the park
my park knowing you won't be there
you're about 90 miles west of me
but I can't go back right now
not with everyone at home counting on me
I don't do great with change
all I want is your arms wrapped about me
instead I'm alone in my room
staring at my phone
old school death cab blaring
Soul meets body
Summer begins and together we aren't physically
but in spirit always
do you miss me as much as I miss you?
has it sunk in yet?
do you hate sleeping alone?
do you miss telling me how to drive
having someone to be with always?
Can a dog replace someone like me?
I'm your crazy little girl
who would cover the world in sparkles and pearls
if she could
I miss you
I thought by now I would have run far away
but I can't do that
my hearts with you
I don't know if you understand
it yet but you saved me from myself

Sunflowers of Time

2011-04-11T03:55:00.000-04:00

The smell of strawberry lemonade

Reminds me of my mother

Her hair blowing in the wind of open windows

Looking perfectly in love with my father

As she dances with him with

To wicked game and doesn’t realize I’m out of bed

I forgot to put the plastic flowers on your grave daddy

I miss you tonight because I’m not sure where I’m going

And I fall in more in love each day

Ready or Not......here I am

2011-03-21T20:33:00.000-04:00

Questions big and little
do I start a new one
let the memories of the old one fade to grey
just like the ones in the past
as I change I look inside to remember who I am
it goes beyond my clothes and hair
my skin no longer the same
and somehow
I feel like I know myself better
as if no longer relying on the external
I found the internal again
little girl lost
now little girl found
I guess you do
really love me underneath it all

Collide

2011-03-01T01:16:00.000-05:00

your fingers in my hair
and the conversations we have
are neverending
round and round
we go
and I close my eyes
remembering the way
it once was
all I want is someone
to hold my hand
is that to much to ask?

Bye Bye

2011-02-12T22:04:00.000-05:00

I'm sick of living for you
So I'm leaving
slowly but surely
I'll make sure you're ok
but I can't remain around forever
if only I had kept my mouth shut
we would be on the beach right this moment
and you would have asked me to be yours
of course
that will never happen now
you're the kind of girl I can marry
but I can't date
is all you ever say
so bye bye for now
but for the record
I still love you
even if we aren't meant to be

I just want you to be the one to hold my hand

2011-02-07T19:39:00.000-05:00

You came like a thief in the night
through the backdoor in my heart
while I was on guard in the front
with walls up and doors locked
just in case you tried anything
with watchful eyes I think I'm all alone
except I feel your hand wrap about my waist
as you pull me in
your breath on my neck
and when our eyes met
I just knew
I'd fallen for you

27's

2011-01-28T21:01:00.000-05:00

1/22/11

3:28 am

We left the ordinary behind

and embraced the unknown

Brilliant thought of the day

2011-01-05T21:10:00.000-05:00

Me: "That's what I need wes!! A boy who would make mixes!

Wes: "No it isn't"

Me: "what do I need"

Wes: " To find someone you can accept for who they are
Not who you want them to be"

Jump off the hot mess express

2011-01-04T21:11:00.001-05:00

So I'm sick of my themesong in life being let her cry
and always being the wounded girl in the room
no one gets close anymore
kisses don't mean a thing
and boys have been gone through like water bottles
that's not what I want
it's not who I am
I want to love without restrain
enjoy life to the fullest
to appreciate the small things
I want to become what I once was
the fire has burned out
it's time to rekindle my flame for life
I wanna burn bright
but not in a self destructive way
I wanna take care of someone
and in turn have them take care of me
it's time to focus less on myself more on other's
to just love....my heart is filled with
so much hate resentment and sarcastic comments
it needs not to be
silence is on my top 10 list of things I hate
one thing at a time
I'm going to try to turn off my brain to think of nothing
boys so often talk about
I've never thought of nothing
when I try the word nothing
is being said over and over in my head
If I'm finally pegged as insane
please let it be known I tried
and didn't want to cry
hopefully misery kicked me out
of the house by then
I'll have to get back to you on that one
I kind of want mystery for now
with that I'll leave to breathe life
just breathe

Here's to the Volcano Girls

2011-01-03T20:16:00.001-05:00

"A million miles of running and
I hit the wall,
I bounce back and I run some more.
But this is it, I'm giving up,
I'm calling quits.
So get down and meet me on the floor"

2011 let's go new years resolution already broken
once again idgie jumped a train
I'm here alone stuck in a room
surrounded by empty diet coke cans
wearing my usual uniform of highheels and pajamas
I'm sorry that I feel as if I don't know you anymore
I don't really know anyone anymore
not really
but it doesn't matter
are these emotions real or fake
syndicated by what I want to happen
someone to take me away
and take care of me
you think I should take a break from guys
I tried to explain no one gets close to my heart
and that's the problem
this one might make it
well it depends on if
he's worth my heart
but how does anyone know that?
Risks are a bitch
and idgie you're free to go
but remember no man is ever worth your freedom
he has to be free along with you
I love you
always and forever

Honesty is tiring

2010-12-24T20:45:00.002-05:00

I've got to get out of here
I keep saying over and over in my head
but we all know no matter where I go
destruction follows in my wake
poisoning my self along the way
I do it all to numb
yesterday's misgivings
and tomorrows aftermath
I've dug a hole so big
I don't know if I can get out
or if I even want to
help is my forbidden
4 letter word
yet I cry out save me
to anyone who will listen
but let me tell you a secret
I don't really want your help
I just want to know that you're there

****these 3 things are true
I'm in love with being miserable
I'm in love with my depression
Im afraid to be happy****

Top 5 songs of the moment

2010-12-21T01:16:00.001-05:00

1.It's me not you- Mike Mangione "There's a healing wound that cries
For every man that's brushed your thigh
But you cover up and play it all again
You flinch with every touch
Hoping he won't take too much"

2.Guinever-The Eli Young Band "For as much as she
stumbled she's runnin' for as much as she runs she's still here"

3. Do No Wrong - Thirteen Senses "Close the door before it's late
We were born to love and hate
Turn it down for our own sake
We do no wrong"

4.She's a Genius- Jet "If what you know is who you are then
she's everything you don't need an education
to know what class you're in."

5. Stephanie Says- Velvet Underground " Stephanie says,"that she wants to know why she's given her half her life to people she hates now"

"I am like Midas in reverse"

2010-12-20T01:49:00.000-05:00

the crazy is something I can count on
to paraphrase a friend
as my mom rolls her eyes
and says," here we go again"
but it won't happen
I hate to say this
BUT
I'm pretty sure I put my all my eggs in one basket
and floored it as I reversed over them
everything I touch becomes a disaster
I'm pretty sure
I can't be left alone with my thoughts
I'll go even crazier
la la la FUCK
can you have a life crisis at 18?
he hates to be alone
well i hate to tell him
I'm always alone
it's easier
he should learn that
just like I did
the silence still scares me
it never goes away
maybe we can be together
nah life never goes that way

This is what I want....cherry crush me now with a diet coke and slopes

2010-12-18T23:31:00.000-05:00

I feel like i'm in a speeding car
shooting up heroin as i go down the road
and i can't stop
and he's the drug and the driver
this is what I want to run away with
but this doesn't exist in 2010
it barely existed in '91
but it's what I want
I'm so tired of being told to grow up
I get the fucking point
and yes you can be depressed for no reason at at all
anyone ever read shop girl?
for me it all began.....
and no one really wants to hear that story
not anymore
for so many years i sucked it up I swallowed pill after pill
they've stopped working folks
time for lithium?
electro shock?
am I just a lost cause?
no but I'm sick of wallowing in my woe is me kind of life
I suck at change
no shit but I didn't think it would be this bad
have they won?
not yet
but almost
thank god for lipstick, pearls, and perfume
or nothing would ever be ok

Sparkle

2010-12-06T22:05:00.001-05:00

I want to be treated like a lady, to be asked out get dressed up,and go
to dinner with my beaux. I want love in its all consuming form. I want a place to wear my favorite black silk dress. In, this drab dreary world I live in it's a bit too much to ask for. I have such high expectations but I settle for less. I always have, but I deserve more and I know but most of all I want Sparkle. That spark you feel from love or even a new pair of shoes. I want to be inspired by something again. Life is not black, or white, but sometimes living in the shades of grey leaves much to be desired. Maybe I just want a little bit of a definitive answer.

Thought of the day

2010-11-28T01:05:00.001-05:00

" I am what I am "
I will not apologize or deny

Plastic Knives

2010-11-27T01:18:00.001-05:00

"We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone"-David Gray

Wanna be femme fatale
coffee in hand
and Fred Jones on the tv
that's right folks
scooby doo
the reason I come back here
is fear
it's nice to have something to hold on to
even if it's really not mine
it's so hard to let go
but I'm trying
before I say goodbye
"meet me on the other side"
and maybe together
we can say hello to the future
while watching all my yesterdays
burn in hell

Five things that make me happy

2010-11-18T23:07:00.003-05:00

1.Coffee -"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."
T.S. Elliot. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

2.Meaningful conversations with interesting people

3. My new vintage purse I found last week it's faux alligator skinned and fabulous

4. New bands like Teenage Rasputin and old ones like Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. Moleskine notebooks without you I don't know how I would survive

Love is Dead

2010-11-18T18:29:00.002-05:00

   **Authors note** I wrote this in my Junior year of high school so it's not the best writing but it amused me when I came across it so I thought I would post it. (p.s. this is a satire)

    I love you possibly the three most overused words in the English language. They, also happen to be the most powerful 3 words that can grant access into even the coldest girl’s heart. In which one can use to take advantage and completely destroy the young girl. Yes, love them for the moment, but use them and then leave them. Why leave them? Various reasons their mother was insane, her hair started to get on your nerves. Maybe her sparkling, sapphire, blue eyes started to lose their appeal. A girl who is quite dull, but pretty to look becomes the object of one’s desires. Proving the point at hand that, true love is dead. The words I love you have lost all meaning due to womanizers much like Chris. Chris is a man rather an eighteen year old boy who has figured out that if he says those 3 magic words he can get any girl. Those, three words are not the only thing he uses, but that is what closes the deal.

   This really should be taken lightly people criticize him for what he does to young girls hearts. When, in reality he should be praised for learning how to play the game. Chris’s method can be cut down to three words seduction, flattery, and lies. He lies to everyone including himself. There, may be one or two people that he is honest with, but is that really a problem? He, isn’t really hurting anyone but innocent young girls who have yet to have had their heart broken. They need to have their heart broken, because it is a cruel world out there. Chris realizes this so in reality he is doing these young girls a favor.

If, more people realized this instead of criticizing him. Young girls would know that this is one of the rights of passage in life. In, actuality they need the womanizer’s of the world to prepare them for their journey later on in life. If, girls would open their eyes to this, and instead of mourning rejoice. Now, they can move on to the next part of their journey and life and maybe actually fall in some sort of “true love”.

Which, really is not true at all, but they do not realize this until it is too late. If, they did not learn their lesson the first time they deserve to go though the pain and heartbreak again. Really, Chris should be praised as a teacher of life’s hardest lessons, love is dead. Sooner, or later these girls will figure that out and he is just trying to help them get to that place quicker.

sands of time

2010-11-11T03:33:00.000-05:00

nights like these
fingers chilled to the bone
chaos surrounds
as the calling begins
and songs from yesteryear
start to play
words left unspoken
someday will pour out
but not right now
instead written words
soothe a broken mind
that keeps breaking
and yelling stop
only to be broken again

A little too perfect

2010-11-05T17:05:00.001-04:00

I will never be her
with her darkened hair and smudged appearance
too clean, too nice, too loud
everyone's approval makes you cringe
so lets never talk again
if I could make that possible I would
and I'm trying
never again will I talk to you
and pretend that it's all ok
so fallen I may be but I'm stronger than you think
so I pick myself up
dust myself off
and realize I'm not enough of a mess for you
I don't need you to save me
you're the one who needs saving
funny how things work out

Kid Brother#1

2010-11-03T11:10:00.002-04:00

Dezert,
Know I love you even if I don't show it
I've not been the big sister you needed
and for that I'm so sorry
I'm so worried about you
being out in this world
reality hits hard at 4am
bc when do I ever sleep?
Sometimes I wish
I could tell you to never grow up
but you have to and you are
I can't believe you're going to be 16 in 5 days
I remember being a sophmore like it was yesterday
Here's what I wish someone had told me
Stay true to yourself and don't let anybody change you
People don't understand "us"
the MISFITS
"My people are the misfits
The ones that don't fit in"
It's ok to be that way
to be different
Search for yourself
search for what you love to do
and do it with such passion
DO NOT let apathy strike you
and don't ever take no for an answer
lastly listen to mom and tim
even if you don't want to
and maybe someday you'll thank me

Come back to me

2010-11-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

“I conversed with you in a dream”- Sappho

Acknowledge me please

Silent you stayed

So I walked on

It was only Natural to

Till you yelled Stop

Flash back we fell into

A Year we both try to forget

When you were Romantic

And Dazzled me with your eyes

It looked so real but it wasn’t

Today no Valid speech comes from your lips

No longer can we Identify with one another

If only it was yesterday

But it isn’t

I awake screaming

A nightmare with you in my head again

Haunted

2010-11-01T22:18:00.000-04:00

With the sunset
no peace comes about it
restlessness kicks in
and the lights pour in
to keep out the dark
because it tells the truth
which in itself is
is a nightmare
to those wishing to keep it out
to retain the sanity of the day
where new light is shed upon
old problems
but each day it turns into its wicked self
and it all begins again
like a song on repeat
begging to be danced to
under the moonlight

Let's find a wicked game sometime at midnight

2010-10-18T23:06:00.001-04:00

driving to nowhere
to find the answer
to my questions
to find you
in a way which you do not exist
in a physical form
repeating that same damn phrase
over and over again
that tree i kissed with my fingertips
at midnight
I close my eyes
and it's a beautiful day
and I feel the cobblestone beneath my feet
my heels being stuck in between the cracks
and now all I do is get stuck in the past
the truest lover I have ever known
one you can come back to night after night
never changing ever faithful
actions always speaking louder than words
but does it really matter because you can't change either
words can't be taken back
actions can't be undone
the past remains the same
it's love never comes apart

Femme Fatale

2010-10-05T01:15:00.001-04:00

Porcelain surrounds her as if it's her skin
laying on the bathroom floor
chills to skin
remembering when
and she's done with today, tomorrow, and yesterday
she's got to escape her own hideaway
memories flowing down her back
she's sick of being hated for everything she is
weird as fuck so what?
He's "small potatoes" baby doll
and she's thin as sin
fast as gin
and ready to leave for good
watch out world
these looks are gonna kill tonight

Top advice from Elle magazine E. Jean

2010-10-02T23:52:00.000-04:00

" If all else fails, live by these 3 rules:
1. Never trust a woman who shags married men
2. Never make a deal with a guy who wears a white belt
3***Never try to be "friends" when the affair is over.Not even the Great Gatsby could make Daisy stay. After she slobbered over his shirts, it was pretty much finished"

"Why did ever we meet"

2010-09-27T11:55:00.001-04:00

"Well the night's busted open
On these two lanes to anywhere
There's a kiss on my cheek and it burns so I leave it there
And I step on the gas and something begins to shake
It's my heart and it's singing, boy this is more than you can take"- You don't wanna leave

I'm holding on to false hope
isn't that what we always do
I wish it didn't hurt this much
I wish I wasn't listening to "maybe"
over and over again
because I know it's over
and it has been for awhile
so why do I return
to comfort?
you're like a band t-shirt forgotten
you bring me down
you try to break my spirit
and when you can't
you walk away
leaving me standing there
my life a country song
if only your name was joe
so this time
I'm going to be the one walking away
and leave you there like you left me
so many times before

Let's drop the Rhett and Scarlett act

2010-09-12T22:24:00.000-04:00

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.

Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

I forgot how perfectly our hands fit
it kind of scares me now
you hurt me kid
and now every time I see you
I'd rather be in your arms
Everything is the same
everything is changed
I'm still wearing my St.Christopher
do your remember wearing it to Maine?
"too close too soon"
that's what you said last night
on yet another epic trip of ours
what did you expect?
I said nothing
instead I looked at the rain pouring down
and thought how I'd rather be kissing you in it
and then we almost ended up in Georgia
Arguing with you still one of my favorite things to do
but that girl she loves you
and you call her a victim.....
so what am I?
You opened a door you probably shouldn't have
so what did I do
I got on the interstate to clear my head
I listened to all our songs
and my hair still smells like cigarettes
we were never very good at compromising
we work very well
when we are ourselves
this summer I've been trying to forget you
I ran and ran
you did too
but you missed me
you missed "this"
kissing you felt familiar and safe
However today you pulled away
I wasn't really shocked just dissapointed
I know you better than anyone
you know me just as well
so why is it so hard to admit?
I don't know
but I know when to let go
you've pushed me away
So I'll be seeing you baby
Remember me

Day Old Hate

2010-09-02T19:57:00.000-04:00

"you still speak of day old hate though your whole world has gone up in flames"

it's 3 am again
I'm not asleep cell phone off
essay written
"you can sleep when your dead"
that bitchin mix goin through my head
I just can't conform I just can't
If I do then I miss being "top banana in the shock depart
ment"
but is that even who I am?
Do I want to go through the next four years like highschool
loathing everything and everyone happy?
I really need to go out
but I kind of dig my book on the wall persona
brooding
self medicating with coffee and shopping
is it really all that bad?

"Hey there girl tell me what do you do"...."Nothing but I'm damn sure it's more than you"

2010-09-02T19:40:00.001-04:00

Lately I've not been myself
maybe it's true I'm not good with change
I never believed it before
but now I do
Giving up isn't an option
so I run home to the familiar
which isn't there
time has moved on and left me standing
in between yesterday and tomorrow
but I'm not going down without a fight
I mean after all I am my father's daughter
my will is too strong to be subdued
maybe just maybe time is all I need
but does time ever really change anything?

naps don't solve anything

2010-08-23T16:55:00.000-04:00

A year ago today I couldn't wait to get away
today all I want to do is go back home
if home is where the heart is
mines stuck in yesteryear
it's bruised and it's battered but it's all mine
I miss my hardwood floors
and my messy bathroom
Life never goes according to plan
but this wasn't supposed to be hard
I'm a wanderer.....
but I'm too attached
I'm missing my baby brothers grow up
sunsets don't look the same
I don't fit in here
I don't fit in there
my life is a dr.seuss book
maybe I'll always be homesick
for something that died a long time ago

Anger wrapped about a smile

2010-07-30T20:22:00.001-04:00

*I published this awhile back but then deleted so here it is again*

with simple things recognized lives change

people no longer the same

everything altered due to an admittance

some things are better left to the dead

from now on I'm gonna stick to lying

I think it's a better option than the truth

Head held high

yes I'm proud

and that's something that will never go away

come on try to break me I dare you too

dumb little boy

you wanna play games

fine then let them begin

I thought you were above that with me

but obviously not

truth: I cried all the way home last night

why wouldn't I?

I've lost you

yet again this always seems to happen

except this time

I'm the one that became obsolete

never enough

never what you wanted

that's fine

but you didn't have to hold me

Yet I remain here

and I'm glad I walked away last night

but I refuse to speak

so let your tone change

I hope you have fun holding your new whore

whoever she may be

she can be under your thumb

because you figured out a little too late

I can't be controlled

so go to hell

and have fun explaining

why I'm not at the wedding

One more failure

in your mother's eyes

"these are the roles we chose to play. I mean, look at us, sitting out here on this dock in front of the same house we've been haunting for years. We're practically ghosts of our former selves, and honestly, I don't think anyone really remembers what they're mad about anymore."

865....it's a little more complex

2010-07-07T01:53:00.000-04:00

Some numbers were never meant to be redialed
let's be honest shall we?
No song will ever held to memory as "ours"
I need someone to hold me now
Cancer man is back
and all my prayers like crying in the rain
they didn't do me a bit of good
long winded I've become so watch me go quietly
Just let me go
forget ME please
I've got my own "soul to squeeze"

"whine,complain,moan" that's all I ever was to you

2010-06-25T00:06:00.000-04:00

it's easier to believe a lie than to accept the truth
some people are easily fooled
wipe that smile off your face
I can see behind it all
I wish I knew someone like that
instead I know people that don't really care
they look at you but they don't see you
comfortably numb cliche right?
well welcome to my life
an overused 3eb song
I want to scream and run around
telling the world to fuck off
instead I smile and pretend to be so coy
You cut me off before
.....I can say a word
is that really fair?
My temper tantrums are famous
everyone needs to see at least one
and you deserved to be on the receiving end
right?
Don't answer that
"regret reminds you youre alive"
no shit
I'm not bitter
because I still have to see your face
PEACE MAN
annoying isn't it

Remember me....kisses like lingering fingerprints

2010-06-23T01:04:00.000-04:00

you can name 10 things I hate
it'd be easier if one of them was you
instead we remain bestfriends
just like that run together
something spell check missed
I really hurt you today
yet you forgave me
like always
I wasn't even trying to be spiteful
I was just kidding
you know I talk too much
but you put your arm around me anyway
I'd rather be with you fighting than anyone else
I'm glad I never said," i love you"
because in a way I do but not in the way it should be
I love you like a favorite band t
but not all consuming
like I always have before
life's so complicated
but with you even now things aren't really
because you kept your word
like always
there for me you still get me
but you never let me in
so where does that leave us?
I have no clue but.....I'm not crying
"we have all the time in the world"
you keep saying that
but some of us are just candles
trying to stay lit

Seminole Wind

2010-06-05T12:16:00.001-04:00

"I sat upon a Cypress stump,I listened close and I heard the ghost,of Osceola cry"

Both know the song by heart
Singing it with fervor
As her heart aches
For her dead and gone cowboy
Never to love again like she did with him
Years have passed but her love hasn't lessened
Another ring on her finger
Which remains unworn for one reason or another
She sees him everywhere
The wind holds her as he did
The salt stinging
She doesn't cry much anymore
True love never dies
Now she has a companion again
And a beautiful baby boy
But never again will she hear his voice spoken from his lips
That dream haunts me,"I'm just an image"repeated again and again
In that red truck coming up the drive
I haven't been back there in years and I don't think I will
The ghost of past memories haunt
If you listen at night you can hear the unlacing of his steel toed boots
And his laugh in the distance
Dead and gone is he
But true love never dies
Because the memories remain the same

Oh John Donne

2010-05-24T23:34:00.001-04:00

Words left unspoken
makes me wonder what you really meant
by your story
the same fate awaits.....?
Maybe I'm overthinking today
anxious about tomorrow
Thinking I'm insane
bruising easily a sign of the nearest cancer
like a 5 year old dreading school
or so she says
but I'm really not
I just realized I need words
to help me understand the way you feel
"this feels right"
you said
this is about all one can ask from you
words lured me in before when it was all wrong
now a with a man of few words
I feel as if
This is the way it was supposed to be all along

"Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun." - John Donne " A Valediction Forbidding Mourning"

To: Idgie From: Ruth

2010-05-23T23:39:00.002-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ( a little early) May 24th I know

Here's to the many times I've cried
and you've held me and told me it would be ok

the boy obsessions the heartache

and you stuck through as a friend

even when I pushed you away

Here's to the trips to south carolina

laying in the cemetery talking to daddy

while you sat beside me tears

running behind your aviators

Here's to you

my Idgie my best friend in the world

here's to being 19 and starting a new journey
here's to the past and the present

I'll be here always and forever

Love is a battlefield

2010-05-16T22:27:00.000-04:00

would you choose me?
if you had to....ultimatums aren't my style
will it be
"ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"
like a love letter from the past
Do you realize how hard it is for me
to believe in this romantic shit
after everything I've been through
I'm in the space between
wanting to fall so hard
Reasons do I need the epic pro and con list
I feel so safe in your arms
but my Independence
comes with a price
I can't lose my head over you
so I walk in a straight line
drawing on my eyeliner
like warpaint
lipstick
is always needed in a time like this
don't forget the stilettos
and I'm ready for battle
this could be "complicated"
so bring it on baby
If I fall heels over head
I'll at least be dressed to kill
and I'll kickstart your heart

Realism is an easier pill to swallow so throw it in the blender

2010-05-15T17:21:00.000-04:00

"some stories are better left to the dead"
now that death is no longer romantic
is it safe to say......
I believe in death more than I believe in love?
yes
am I afraid you're going to walk away
yes
probably with the same fear and intensity
that you are afraid of losing me as a friend
but don't you believe in being inexplicably intertwined?
Curtains blowing as the sun streams in
Summer is in the blood
and so is running
euphoria is lost and reality has set in
your deep sable eyes
sear into mine
flame ignited
puzzles remain unsolved even with solutions in hand
just tell it to me straight
I'm going alone tonight
head held high
It's so much easier to be alone
when you are alone
but when you're not
it hurts like hell
right now laying out and getting a killer sunburn
would be so much easier than living in reality
at least the pain would be welcome company

Carolina Girls Best in the World!

2010-05-07T22:15:00.000-04:00

Today is a day to remember Shag the Movie
I want to be in South Carolina right now and this movie is a Sc girls cult classic

Luanne:Damn damn damn!!!! Why does every damn thing have to happen when you're in a damn hurry

Buzz:"Well,don't play hard to get ,you might miss something"

Carson:"You don't know me, you don't love me, you sure as all damn don't want to marry me so why don't you leave me the hell alone?"

Buzz:"I don't think I can"

Buzz:"In my opinion, marriage is just a legalized form of prostitution."
Carson:YOU are not like any boy I've ever met!
Buzz: Well you're just like every girl I've ever met--you're stuck-up, tight-assed, and conventional.
Carson: Don't you swear in front of me! Maybe I don't believe in practicing free love! Who does?
Buzz: I do

Ghost in my driver's seat

2010-05-04T23:14:00.000-04:00

Daddy,
Today I miss you
in fact these past few months
I have missed you more than any other time
maybe it is because I can't imagine what life would be like if you were here
I'm chasing a ghost
looking for you in every corner
I need direction
I need you
to sing to me in your off key voice
" I think about you eight years old big blue eyes and a heart of gold"
instead I'm about to graduate
and I'm falling down for trouble with a capital T
Late at night coming home
I see you in the corner of my eye
forever young
If I could go back to one day
it would be that one night coming home from dance
and "Blurry"came on and we sang together
it came on the other day
Somebody else was in the driver's seat
but we sang it just the same
I've never felt so alone and stuck in place
I act so independent and aloof
but I want someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok
Every man I've ever met has walked out on me
so isn't it easier to push him
away?
isn't lying better?
it's almost been 8 years since that day
I wish I could just give you one more hug
I don 't hug people
because I didn't hug you before you died
so why should I hug anyone else?
I need to get over myself
but some scars run too deep
for even the prettiest band-aids to cover
so I let them leave me
if only because I believe you're out there
I just have to search
till then "i'll be seeing you"

Now isn't an option even in between mixed tapes and plastic flowers

2010-04-20T23:10:00.001-04:00

A look
across the room
daggers as eyes
His voice like nails on the chalkboard
do you remember...
looking at me like I was crazy
cause you got me lost on 75
that was a perfect day
all the looks wrapped into one
I ache to hear your voice
to see your eyes
Say it
and mean it
I can't go a day without complaining
So "please forgive me"
while the lightning goes through my veins
you make me feel safe
remember that time
i gave you that look
and your,"what"? said everything
I should've listened to it all
I guess "mixes"
do reveal the heart
too little too late
sorry kid

Sweet Nothings & Little Black Lies

2010-04-08T20:45:00.001-04:00

I___you
fill in the blank
those key phrases
overused and common
you know you don't mean it
why would you
some people just can't love as much as others
that spells trouble for the little girl
you're were with tonight
she was your Novocaine for the night
Still I think you'd rather
cradle the bottle beside your bed
than her
at least it doesn't ask for anything
I used to think "how's it going to be"
when he changes
but that doesn't fit the phrase
there's a kid
I'd give anything
to "dance when the stars go blue"
but I can't
he will be at home wishing
two things
to be smoking a cigarette and to be anywhere but here
I'll be up in the sky
wishing I was anywhere but there
What I wouldn't give
to be dancing by a record player
in some dive downtown
in my dress
with him
instead I smile pretty
and try not to think of caskets
when I smell the roses on my wrist
instead I picture myself
laying in the fields after midnight
just remembering
because sometimes it's all you can do
what am I remembering?
comfortably numb
my antidote to life
no worries my pictures won't be ruined
if only they could see behind my eyes
They'd see
all the key phrases left unsaid

"something is messed up here
something isn't right
we're supposed to be free
I'm supposed to be mine"-Sleater-Kinney

Life is not a movie, song, or Sex and the City life contains boo- boos and bad hair cuts

2010-04-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

I wanna drive till I hit the ocean side

wind in hair

but instead I turn and I do the right thing

Song lyrics pour into my head

I'm wishing life was a movie

instead I'm sent on errands

I trip and bruise my knee

such is life

I wanna be there

but when I get there

here is where I crave

so i turn around

counted on

and ask
"Why did we ever meet"
i like hands
because fingerprints
are always left behind unseen

Outbursts started with a China Cabinet

2010-04-03T22:48:00.001-04:00

"I could have lied I'm such a fool
My eyes could never never never
Keep their cool"

I keep asking for you
but you can't pick up the phone
frantically I want to scream
come rescue me
now now now
make him leave me alone
I'm afraid the past repeats itself
with your name on its lips
I love how i get what you're saying
when you skirt around what you mean
and tell me that you skate now
stop labeling yourself
its not who you are
you are stronger than you think you are
but maybe you're really not
kid you cut your hair you cleaned up your veins
I wonder if you will let me inside now
or if you'll decide you can save yourself
All I wanted was for someone to tell me it was ok
and i realized that maybe it was time for me to do that for you
you're my unknown number memorized
who never lies
even when you could have

I bring out the worst in everyone

2010-03-19T18:10:00.002-04:00

We lay our hands on the future
and pray as the world becomes a resume
The journey to the middle couldn't
Have come at a better time

If dreams show the mind
then I want to be rescued from him
Driving I hear your voice
And he dissapears
I need you like chaos

Feeling like penny lane
Different personas for every man
Making me either a common whore
Or a good buisness woman

Now I'm working off the mood
The ring of fire surrounds me

As eyes close and souls die
Come on and try to break my spirit
I'll cut my losses and figure out why

My blades a little rusty
but uh my mouths just as sharp
And give me a little time
I will show you how to go down the street

But be careful not to make a mess
It's a bitch to clean up
but as easy as you to do

Did I tell you to speak
Now you're under my thumb
Take that Mick Jagger

Pretty in Black

2010-03-10T22:45:00.001-05:00

"No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"

Stitches on the wrist
Hope is dead
as the preacher
in his rich voice
preaches to the congregation
not knowing why
she cries as she plays the Rolling Stones on the organ
this is the reason I planned out my own funeral
so long ago
LBD's mandatory
I think I have a mixed cd around here to be played
It will be right at sunrise
coffee available strong like I make it
maybe screen my favorite movie before
bury me underneath the spanish moss
inscribe something on my tomb
but make it memorable
I wonder when I will be at my best
If I sell out?
if my spirit breaks
Then you know I'm dead
People who say they have no regrets
are lying
I've learned more from regretting
than happy memories
I hope that I'm not the cause of anyone's regrets
except old lovers and possibly classmates
They can die with what if's but I sure as hell don't want to
and a final note Never let death control you
because it in itself has no control

PS:the movie that inspired me is The Big Chill

Catch My Fall

2010-03-07T21:44:00.001-05:00

"I wonder why it always feels like rain
My life is like some cheap champagne
The answers don't always seem to fit
My glass is full, but it tastes like shit"-Katy rose

My need for understandment
overrides my need to be accepted
I am a hypocrite
I do not understand others
but I expect them to understand me
it is completely irrational and unreasonable
thing to expect
my great expectations exceed yours
yet in your eyes I have failed you as a whole
getting it just isn't a priority
odd one out
book on the wall
is what I am
this becoming a repeat of 13
while beating a music stand
to its breaking point on the cold cement floor
back then I tried to
blame my life on someone else
remembering this
made me realize the question
who do we blame but ourselves
when we realize our situation ended
and our decision backfired

Dear____,

2010-02-28T01:33:00.002-05:00

I open up my hands
and remember the way
yours unfurled into mine
I would kiss your fingertips
and look up
wide eyed
you said via txt I reminded you of Rose from the Titanic
rolling my eyes,"of course I do everyone says that"
watching it now
it had to be the way I played with your hands
as if drawing lines with my fingers
could bring me closer to your heart
as hot tears roll down my face now
as it always does with the end of this movie
he tells her, "never let go"
and we never do let go
memories never die
even as people change
We keep them just as they were the last time we saw them
forever young ,beautiful ,and always loving
now as I look back on all I've given up to keep only a memory alive
those people don't exist anymore
yet I keep on wishing the future away
to go back to a past that wasn't mine to live
but why shouldnt I," it was a hell of a long ride"
one never to be forgotten
wish you were here
I never let go

Mrs. Robinson was cooler than the graduate

2010-02-25T23:27:00.001-05:00

color outside the lines
you fail kindergarten
In a way
senior year is kind of like kindergarten
you go through similar emotions
knees shaking shortness of breath
really wishing for that
kickass box of crayola
we all count down to graduation
but aren't you scared
tell the truth
blustering like hens
contradicting words become truth
because we just can't make up YOUR mind
as you march on down
in cap n gown
looking back towards the door
wanting to leave and never come back
to this place of crayon persecution
officiating it is not needed for anyone
but mom
This is for her more than me
I could do without the blue
the smock like zip up is a little unflattering
if only graduation could be a little more like prom
dig?

Definitely Maybe

2010-02-23T21:26:00.000-05:00

At the moment
I'm uninspired
and not admired
in the way I would choose to be
Your father did not recognize me
but of course remembered Grace Kelly
I was pulled aside while he looked on
secrets whispered and giggles ensued
boys are silly even at 21
Am I to go alone
for 5 min to show them that "they didn't break me"
my movie references no one understands
You tried for a day
and then regressed
You warn me about what you "could do"
You can't hurt me
I hope you realize hell and back came
you were not there for either
If can't force myself to look at you
I sure as hell can't like you
Today at least
maybe tomorrow
or when we talk till dawn
but you my friend are a definite maybe

Guest Writer of the Month is..Lorraine May

2010-02-17T22:49:00.001-05:00

The guest writer this month is one of my very best friends. She wrote this with her heart still broken but healing, she like me learned the hard way about trust and love.

I look back on it now,
the way you said you loved me.
The way you looked at me
and I was sure I would always be by your side
takes me by surprise now.

I always thought it would be you,
but it was me.
I look back on it now

the nights spent together
and the days of just you and me.
The sacrifices I made before and after
were too much.
I was not prepared for this alternate ending.

I look back today,
and I ask if it was real.
The worst part of it all is that I know it wasn’t.
It was all fake.
It was all a mistake.
How can you love someone enough to let them go?

I’m different now.
I don’t want you to love me.

There are a few things that remind me of that time, of you.
My heartbreak. My tears. My love.
But those now still don’t make me believe.
Only the pictures of us make me think we ever existed together.

“Was it ever worth it? Was there all that much to gain? Well we knew we missed the boat and we’d already missed the plane.”-Modest Mouse

“I remember when the days were long and the nights when the living room was on the lawn. Constant quarreling, the childish fits, and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman. All the slander and double-speak were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean anything but the blatant proof was you lips touching mine in the photobooth.”- Death Cab for Cutie

Peacock wrapped about my neck....says the village idiot

2010-02-11T21:38:00.001-05:00

He's pinned together
like a jacket from
punk glam
yesternight had fallen
and the door opened
with a gunshot round about
gone insane from the pain
of wrong love
bonfire started
evidence burned
as the smell of plastic
singes the air
tears fall from his eyes
upon his scarred face
his sternum cracked discovered
when death emerged
caused by the rage of brother to brother
Cain and Abel
if Abel had lived
only to be buried
feet first in front of him
the trees whisper
daddy's getting what he deserves
rather than die or even live alone
he became a prisoner in his own body
whatever happened to him?
Time wasn't in his plans
the cancer ate today
a horrid death
to succumb to
but
what if he really wasn't
what if Texas held my identity
an overused phrase WHAT IF
makes up most of society's panic
what if the all seeing eye blinded itself
Ridiculous thoughts will always occur

Stop over reading me....I want something chaotic

2010-02-08T21:44:00.001-05:00

I do not imagine things that cannot happen
or at least things I don't want to happen
I am not a what if scenario kind of girl
a bitter pill is what I am
and no matter how many combating remedies I take
none seem to make me a happy doll
brooding in the corner of the library
I never thought Valentine's Day would be this hard
I thought you would come around
obviously not
it's easier for yesteryear
to say hello
you little girl
MAN UP
I'm sick of the excuses
You don't understand me
I don't play tactic games you moron
I live in a world that exists outside of video games
either love me or leave me the hell alone

This year's Love

2010-02-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

It's February the air is filled with hope and dread. The hope of people in love praying that their significant other fulfills their expectation of what a "valentine" is. Dread coming from people like me single people who have mixed emotions about the holiday. I have decided not only do I have little relationship knowledge I'm slightly challenged when it comes to relationships. I am only seventeen and should probably give myself a little bit of slack. How can I though,in a world that is relationship obsessed? I have never had a successful long term relationship. As a young girl I yearned for a love like my parents had and that is what I have expected an amazing story like theirs. I've had to realize I can't find my father in another guy. He is dead and gone I have to go on and live my own story. Not letting the past define my life. A person dear to me said,"Love isn't about the big things like we always imagine. It's about the little things in between that lead to the big moments. It's spinning in the road or going in the snow or kissing the forehead or saying good morning. Without those there isn't a friendship in love it's forced."(JMM) I've been in love but I have never been loved as deeply as I loved. . No matter how much you love someone you cannot force them to love you back. I have to remember that the little boy who cried "love" is just that a little boy. So this February I will not allow my past to define my attitude towards Valentine's Day. So ladies and gents wear pink and red enjoy the candy and love everyone. Oh and don't stop believing....

Somewhere in Between Looks to Kill and Bette Davis Eyes

2010-01-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

"Will the wind ever remember
The names it has blown in the past
With it's crutch, it's old age, and it's wisdom
It whispers "no, this will be the last"-Jimi Hendrix

Summer seeming now
are the misty blue eyes
which lie vacant
while the scenes repeat themselves
there is a worm eating yesterdays
like a Pink Floyd song
gone wrong
Through golden years
lies not peace
but liars of better days
History is non existent
within the hole of time
that is his mind
breathe in and out deeply
kid brother's run away
no jackets to be found
it's frigid
and the tears don't come
later on that night
makeup smeared eyes
tell the tale
she tried to hide
with pen in hand like a knife
English Rose upon the lips
pink as blood
a letter will be written
that was only meant to burn
the writing screams angrily
you were meant for something better
it is awoken by
the cold warmth of the fire
somehow destroying the words
releases them

We don't play the same kind of games

2010-01-25T20:35:00.000-05:00

You say," I'll see you tomorrow
lunch is planned
noon rolls around
phone remains silent
no message received
so my girls gather round
and we gossip and talk
I remain mum about you
you never grew into society
which is probably why I like you
your eyes are original brown
I think.....
You prefer to "court" me from afar
possibly?
I'm dangerous
or so you say
never have I been called that
not exactly a term of endearment
you said," I never know when to say hi or when to compliment people"
obviously not
let's try again
after all "tomorrow is another day"

Storm in a teacup

2010-01-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

Jim Morrison once said,"I guess death it is a friend"
Or is it?
Teacups blown to bits

As the spoon swirls round

The sun sets down

Rose blooms at midnight

CLICHE CLICHE CLICHE

shouted 3 times

like peter who denied Christ

the paper is thrown and crumpled
lands next to the manifesto
The drug addict philosopher
struck again
spewing day old coffee grounds

as the old familiar itch sets in

fuck carved into the side of flesh
ok ok I"M ANGRY
you were right
I just can't drop everything
like a pair of heels at the end of the night
no it must be held onto and mulled into nonexistence
now lets kick it into overdrive
and remember to smile and be pretty wild
you'll be dead soon
or at least busy

Open your eyes

2010-01-15T14:12:00.001-05:00

"Get away from these liars they don't get your soul or your fire"-snow patrol

You stare out at nothing
Possibly the images dancing in your head
Half moons under your eyes

Do you need to find a vein
Here let me help you
My heart is bleeding
So come on shoot up

How can I hate you?
"I never loved you enough to hate you"
But I hate who you've become
I can't look at you without
anger pumping through my veins

I just want to scream
WAKE UP
You are sleep walking through life
If I stabbed you with the truth
You couldn't feel it
I pray to God
You hit that wall quickly

For now I will remember you
The way you used to be
Brown eyes dancing
With a fire now burned out

Please leave me in my corner and don't ever call me baby

2010-01-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

Crashing into my life once again
Leave me be
Truly I'm begging of you
My heart hurts once more
Playing that old familar tune
Which is funny because we never danced to it
Over dramatizing things
Grace Kelly accuses me of
I just want to scream
And hit the hammer so hard
I break it before it breaks me
Somebody hold me
While I curl up into my little ball
Promises promises never come true
My candidates have been killed by yours truly
Pushing them
To their breaking point seems to be my speciality
Ring around my finger
Dancing to the dead
Driving over graves while running into trees
Maybe sleep will make the ache dull
silly girl trix are for kids!
i'm only 17
Yet I feel 36
Death is at my door
we had a nice chat the other day
he told me to be ready
Ready for what I do not know
Mr.Castle crash anywhere but here

My monologue

2010-01-04T22:12:00.001-05:00

I wrote this for my musical theatre tryouts

There are many things I wish I could tell her

But at 17 you can’t see past his eyes into tomorrow

She looks at me now and sees a housewife who bakes a perfect cake

But not long ago I was her

In love with the"one”

Mama tried to warn me but I wouldn’t listen

I walked out of her house angry and bitter

I didn’t walk back in till her funeral 10 years later

I swore to myself I wouldn’t push my daughter away

So I bite my tongue and keep silent

Praying she won’t succumb to

The same clichés I did

Almost Famous

2009-12-30T00:01:00.001-05:00

SIGH! Fab inspiration for the new year!

What a perfect 100th post long live Ms.Kate Hudson

Call me when you're sober

2009-12-28T02:54:00.001-05:00

I give up
My hands I wipe clean
Of the mess before me
preaching doesn't help
Pleading makes it worse
You act as if I'm trying to crucify you
The one driving the nails
In that coffin you are so hell bent on getting
"Live fast die young"
That's your new motto
Let that be engraven upon your tombstone
Remember now
I'm not your girl friend
I'm not your babysitter
And I am sure as hell not your mother
So go take another hit
And watch me walk away
I'm glad my concern amuses you
you break my heart
Because I have to sit here and watch you go down in flames
Take a swig of jack
Now go light yourself on fire
You pressed the button for
Self destruction
But darling you could've called me....

The reigning quote of 2009

2009-12-13T19:42:00.000-05:00

"What I need. me personally, is a loft in Europe and an adopted child and some good wine."-JF

Monkey Rises

2009-12-08T23:52:00.002-05:00

Hate will kill you
before death marks you off her list
to dive deeper into the hurt
never letting go
like 3eb
won't is the key word
the mirror is shattered
everyday a shard of glass is needed
to slice across a scar
it's opened frequently
sometimes hourly
because it just feels so good to hurt
clinging to the past
throwing away the opportunites the present brings about
self depracating to a fault
the way the hair winds around a finger
it goes round like a ferris wheel
representing life
the ups the downs
the highs are the downs
being happy is too easy
a fix is crazed
a bottle marked DRAMA
drink a little
twice a day EVERYDAY
just like the doctor prescribed
oh looky here
how the mighty will fall
we've raised an entire generation of Hemingway's

Dedicated to Monkey

SIGH

2009-12-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

I hate this feeling
the phrase you fall in love with what you focus on
chokes me with tighly gloved hands
I clutch tightly to my little book
and for once running is a good thing
too bad you know me well enough
that you see past my lying blue eyes
and another one bites the dust

A cyclone of emotions, colors and partial thoughts

2009-11-22T21:33:00.000-05:00

Moving forward in one thing

I fall flat on my ass in another

Last night underneath that sky

the cold air went straight to my lungs

and I felt alive

for once the coffee was too strong

by the time she finished her show

the lower half of my legs were numb

sitting in the backseat of the car

my song came on

and this unoriginal claimed it as her's

NOOOOOO

I was about ready to put up and fight

when it comes to music I'm about as possesive

as I am about boys and style

"Style is innate NOT bought"

I remember being in 8th grade

and this boy said to me,

" you just like it because no one else does and you have to be different."

I guess that's true

original to a fault

slightly narcassistic

I feel bad for those around me

they come into my reign of fire

and it's scary

like a robot bitch I'm ready to attack

writing this I think," Man I'm eccentric."

How sad is that?

the medication has worn off folks

I should stop......but I think I'm gonna go color the sky

Bacall and Kat....Remember when we ran the Ratpack?

2009-11-22T20:07:00.001-05:00

LOCATION: The mansion on Rainbow Row, Charleston, SC
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: pain, pure joy
PUBLISHED: June 29, 2008
SONG: I'm Only Happy When it Rains -Garbage
Happy Fakers

Reveling in grief the way most do in joy
I can no longer remember purity of happiness
It was only an image from long ago
Does anyone wonder if really and truly
Were denying nature by seeking bliss
Some of the greats would never have been
If they had not been damned
They wrote their way through life
Of course picking up a few addictions or many along the way
But then again that is human nature to destroy itself and everything in its path
So we of course must destroy ourselves
Why preserve something that life is so fleeting
Why not wallow in it and be truly miserable in complete happiness
Maybe were the ones that are really happy
The ones with the hurt inside us
We can’t be filled with joy if we don’t know what it’s like to not be
that is the pure adoring irony of life
The people that are truly happy have hidden scars so deep they can never be filled
And the ones who’ve never been hurt
Well that’s either a facade or their world is about to crumble
That’s where I get my kicks from the Damned Hurt
Pure joy comes from pain

*Dedicated to Fifi

The Fall of Troy

2009-11-18T23:15:00.001-05:00

Bloodshot eyes

I think I'm going to throw my blackberry in a river

"Underneath it all " just came on

and you know what?

Sj you were right

I want someone to want me

not a Barbiedoll

Hair never flowing straight

wearing my LBD's

I'm not goth I just like black

To be called baby

without being a sex kitten

My body will not be defiled by someone's lust

My shock justified

when you called

Until I realized

you are running

no femme fatale to sustain you

so you turn to the only thing that did before

I can no longer turn a blind eye

hearing your sins

burdens my heart

FIX HIM

my mind screams

but.....I can't

so instead I close my eyes

to remember the beginning of summer

two disasters only 17

chasing each other down the hall

Spoken words then

became broken

because it was easier

to remain in her bed

and now its easier to blow smoke in my eyes

in an effort to blind me

but I see you in your mist

the lighthouse remains unseen

and the fog horn goes unheard

the running will cease

when your Converse give out

you'll find you

But for now I release you unto him

I can't fix a broken spirit

Junkie

2009-11-15T00:02:00.003-05:00

Memories are a poltergeist
Parking themselves
On a shelf
Until roused from sleep
It smells the same
They look the same
Can people change that little?
Yet be completely different
Track marks run down the arms
Hidden until visible again
Junkies never die
Masochistic tendencies
Come out and play
Take a hand
Let’s drown
And break noon tomorrow
Remember nothing in between
Just let the poison course through
It’ s the only remedy that will do
Forever damned
Better not back off that cliff
Walk on
Cause the pain will pull back
Addiction will take hold once more
junkies never die
we just hide

"And if you were with me tonight I'd sing to you just one more time A song for a heart so big God couldn't let it live"-Jimmy Eat World

Addiction's Muse

2009-11-03T23:18:00.003-05:00

" a thousand things we should have

done differently but all we are left with is what we did"-Cherry Crush

Chills the spine as it works

drugs to normalize the mind

Closes eyes

and sinks back

to the halls of yesterday

blocking out the tomorrow of today

Hands grip the steering wheel

as they've done for the past four years

16 the magic number

now a kid of 20

"on the road"

becomes this beatnik's manifesto

maybe it's just a passing phase

or maybe he will wander all his days

in the desert of his home town

forever claiming enlightenment

through the mundane

forget not though he is the "man in the box"

No Regrets

2009-11-01T23:07:00.002-05:00

LOCATION: Everywhere but the beach,Surfside/Myrtlebeach.Sc
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: friends, change, coffee
PUBLISHED: July 14, 2008
SONGS:Escape(the pina colada song)-Rupert Holmes

      This past week was incredibly memorable. My best friend and I as you all know"Fifi" went to the beach. I wouldn't travel with another person they would drive me insane hell, I'd drive them insane. I happen to be messy,but she is too so it's all good. This song reminds me of how much I trust her. We were watchng "TheSweetest Thing" and I decided to let her cut my hair. Yes, I know nothing climatic nobody died,but for me my hair is important. I'm sorry I'm vain my hair is important to me I'm 16 forgive ok? Anyway she cut my hair it looked fabulous everything was ok.
       This song is great for belting out off key at random moments. Maybe,someday we'll be like the girls in   "The Sweetest Thing" I'll still be a commitment phobic and she'll kick my ass into doing something about it. Until then I guess we'll just be drinking buddies (it's coffee guys don't get worried) haha.Not to mention our run ins with the mysterious door closing ghost. I swear something was there haha and screaming on the phone to her "Lover".
       How could I forget about our special version of scattergories.We would have stayed in bed all day if Grams hadn't of woken us up. Our motto"Sleep 23 hours a day and shop for one." In the end this was our recoup time so what if we only went on the beach twice.Fifi thanks for being my partner in crime these past 11 years hopefully we'll get that house on Rainbow Row someday.

***12 years and counting thank you for sticking with me through this hellish year you are a real pearl necklace my dear***

Lies Remain Wrapped in a Pretty Blue Box

2009-10-29T22:47:00.000-04:00

Breathe from the intricacy of life

Fire absorbs the skin

pause to be

while thunder pounds against the sky

Rain hot like summer

melts the face about the bend and glistens
as the soundtrack of the future
ran ahead leaving residue
powder like cocaine
yet benign in effect
smoke fills the air
blown from a withered hand
nails bitten down to the quick
knuckles cracked and bleeding
the bloodshot blue eyes close
and perfection appears
promising forever
but tomorrow remains alone

My oh My what a "Wicked Game" you played

2009-10-26T22:04:00.005-04:00

A continuation of my JB posts......RIP

LOCATION: Walmart,Steak&Shake , K-Town
YEAR: 2007
TAGS: bittersweet beginnings, &endings
PUBLISHED: June 16, 2009
SONG: Soul Kitchen -The Doors
    Whenever I hear the opening beat of this song I'm taken back to a time of first loves and yellow moons. I'm 15 and wearing my favorite blue and green striped halter top with my flowy white pants. The air is permeated with Coconut Lime Verbena and our sense of youthful hope. Fifi, and I were at dinner when we really she convinced you to come to the movies with us. You, whined that you were just too tired from football practice (two a day's anyone?).
   You came anyway arriving late, but that was your usual tendency. You were always late when you needed to be early and early when you needed to be late. Your baby blue eyes were hidden by your Ray Bans you and your wavy brown hair covered like always by Vernon the hat that will never die. You, sat between Fifi and I, because you could not stand Lorraine. The, movie was just another comedy of 2007 which that summer there seemed to be too many of. When, it was over we left Lorraine, because you were hungry and wanted food.
   I remember you sitting Indian style on the ground outside the pinnacle with your face in your hands. You, were pitiful but the picture was adorable. I, hate to say I don't have it now. The phone was destroyed that winter by my rage issues and a locker.
   There was only one place that was open in the little plaza and you of course wanted to go there, Steak and Shake. Whenever, I think Steak and Shake I think calories and fat grams, but you and Fifi wanted to go there. I, like most times just went along for the ride. You, drove like a bat out of hell and this song was playing in the background. Fifi, was sitting up front and I in the back, windows down rarely straight hair blowing in the wind. When, we arrive at steak and shake you guys order cokes. While I, just sit there with an air of disdain around me. All, of the sudden three guys come walking in one would be my first boyfriend and one would inspire me as a writer.
   After, what seems like an eternity of awkward conversation and staring at my chest. They, finally left," Oh shit," I say," What time is your mom picking us up?" (We're still just 15 here) "Soon, we have to go over to walmart she can meet us there." Fifi says with not a bit of panic in her voice. (I'm the spaz remember?) "Why can't she just pick you up here?" you ask with this sheepish look on your face. In which, she calmly replies"she won't believe we walked all the way over here Walmart is closer to the theatre." With, a deep breath and a sigh she says,"Plus, she would kill me for hanging out with you....you're 17 and a boy she thinks it's just me and Brigitte."
    "Well then, what in the fuckin hell are we still doing here? Let's go." You said while you lay down a ten to pay for the two drinks. You, never did get that burger that night. When, we got to walmart you guys decided to play hide and seek from me.I knew it was so you could be "alone" in which you did nothing but hold hand and at that time they fit. Even, if they wouldn't later on.I, finally decided to look for you guys and found you both in the music section,shocking really."Hurry." I say pannicking while walking hurridly to the otherside of walmart.We needed to show her mom that we actually needed to go to walmart. So, we got some whipped cream, candy corn, and 300.Saved, by my sweet tooth and Fifi's love of epic action flicks.
   Before the night ended I knew she was in love with you. Just,by the way she looked at you as you called her name on the way out.She too was looking for any excuse to stay. As,She turned around your arms are extended. She starts running towards you in a movie like fashion.You hug no squeeze her tightly almost as if you were trying to memorize the way she felt in your arms. I, tried not to look back, but I couldn't resist it was one of those moments time stood still for.
    As, I stepped out into the parking lot that night I'll never forget the way the air smelled. I had a strange feeling I would never be the same and I was right. In, those next few weeks I would fall in "love" for the first time. That, night however,would be the beginning of the end to my innocence.

*Note Fifi is J.M.M.