thought

I'm too young to feel this old

Things I've been meaning to say for a while

I'm a rambling spirit always driving
bc I can't sleep
"I'll call you when I get home"
bullshit
I believe you should always say I love you before bed
I'm in limbo
I need direction
to somewhere other than a pack of cigarettes and a diet coke
I just want to drive to somewhere
where no one knows my name
I'm getting restless this always happens
my heart torn in two
bc I just don't know what to do
I can't stay here
but I can't go there
I spend too much time alone
moms asked me the other day to
"picture yourself in 5 years"
I don't even know what I'm doing this weekend
how the hell would I know what i'm doing with my life
I wanted so much more than this
and it just seems that I'm stuck
and there's no way out
I wanted to travel
see the world
all I ever see is the interstate
back and forth back and forth
my life in a bag
he doesn't seem to get that
Carolina heals my soul
in a way he never can
wild at heart
I'll always be
and he wants to settle down
there
I've never wanted to be in one place for too long
I need western skies
always looking wandering
maybe one of these days I'll run into myself
I don't wanna run away from love
but I don't want to be trapped bc of it
I always promised myself I'd see more do more
what am I doing now? NOTHING
I don't want to regret anything
but I want to be the way I used to be
I knew myself
now I'm scared of losing something
that's killing me
slowly
I used to have so much personality
but now I'm a shell
so I have to ask the question?
Can I be with you and get myself back?
here's to hoping

Ramblings ignore please

I made it through today
silly isn't after all these years
"she's really immature but cool"
"I'm buzzing don't ask for a list or I will give it to you"
a list of things wrong with me
here's a big middle finger to YOU
I'm not perfect I never will be
I used to be like you either love me or hate
and if you don't well
FUCK YOU
I don't even know who I am anymore
I feel like so much is missing 
Running away seems like my only antidote
like I can't stand to be in the same place for too long
because then I have to deal with me
I'm gonna fall asleep alone
and wake up alone
knowing that you say you love me but you could leave me
trusting praying you won't
and maybe tomorrow will be better
hope keeps us alive
I just need to remember that

Is there anybody out there?

once upon a time isn't that how all fairy tales start
 Well once upon a time I had it all
and it always hurts this time of year
we're coming up upon 9 years in 8 days
the sad thing?
it still feels like yesterday
yet it still feels like a dream
I always feel like a part of my heart is missing
and no one understands my soul
they just graze the top of it
I'm not screwed up like I always thought
just a little broken
like a scared puppy
no matter how many times I hear the words I love you
I have horrific nightmares of being left
no one understands that
the older I get the worse it becomes
tears keep spilling
while I wake up alone most of the time
haunted by memories of the past
knowing today won't be a fairytale
and daddy's forever gone

Fallen Princess

a princess no more
her crown gone
she now stands
in mustard yellow
no sorrow felt for her
she's taken every advantage
she had and thrown it away
do you see her in the mirror
no more facade's
she's young and broke
glamorous no more
what happened they ask
as whispers come her way
will depression ensue
no instead
she fakes a smile
while she cries herself to sleep
praying that it's one day closer
to being next to him
she tells no one
she lost her muchness
she can't find the words
more than anything she needs to know it's gonna be ok
and finally believe the words spoken to her
maybe someday she'll return castle intact
everyone's love and admiration surrounding her
but until then she remains
exactly what she is
a fallen princess

more caution less leaping

Wicked game the song that I blame for all recklessness committed in my life
the words compel me to do something crazy
like runaway never look back
isn't that something we all dream of
to have that time where we can't be found unless we want to be
I'm always told I'm crazy 
but a truly insane person wouldn't do the mundane things I do
tan workout go find a job get a job wait to start a job
my life used to sparkle
maybe that's all I want
or maybe I just need to be taken away from it all
but I'm an adult now and I have to act like it
or I get the one thing I really love taken away from me
it's sad when all I want is to play wicked game
smoke a cigarette and dance with you in the desert at dusk
maybe someday we can get there
but right now is not it
I don't want to whine anymore or bitch about the same old things
I just want to be under a desert sky
clouds everywhere about me
letting my heart reign free
this may not be my game or even my song
but it has my heart
just as much as you do

kiss light my heart

do you remember that time 

dancing in the rain 

kiss lighting cigarettes

when you don't even smoke

you do things just to make me smile

I didn't cry as I drove away today

but it breaks my heart every time 

I get on 24 going towards where I live 

it's not even home anymore 

home is where the heart is

and my heart beats with you 

it just feels right 

laying in your arms like we did this afternoon

you make me feel at peace 

and for a girl who's been at war for a long time 

I've finally surrendered to you