Rants not poetry

driving back this morning I cried
the good stuff came on
and I remember when you told me,"that's ok baby I'm supposed to eat burnt suppers the whole first year"
after the lemon chicken disaster
fun facts
hypnotize was the song playing on your ipod when I got back from springbreak
I miss you so much it hurts
you said you'll miss me this morning
but denied it this afternoon
so.....
you don't love me anymore
RIGHT......
I keep saying this over and over again
and yet it doesn't help
this isn't even about you
you were just one more man to walk out of my life
one more to let me down
so why do I keep going back?
do you remember me waking up bawling because I dreamed that you died just like daddy?
you held me close
and kissed the top of my head and said," I'll never leave you I promise"
LIES LIES LIES
was it all a lie
"we're friends"
that kills me
he called me your girl yesterday
I can't remember the last time someone said that
and you didn't even bother to correct him
I remember all the messages promising me that you wanted to change for me
that you wanted to marry me
that I was worth it
and for the first time in my entire life
I felt safe
I knew it would be ok
but it wasn't
still I see you every other week
just like I did before
I still hang up your clothes make you dinner do the dishes etc
but you don't love me right?
 I can't move on
hanging out with another guy feels WRONG
like I'm cheating on you
when we had our week in july
it was so unlike years before
no rash elopements
but
you said my song was "everything"
whatever happened to that
still
my perfect memory will always be us all oiled up
me in my tortilla chip bikini that's what you called it because it was so small
overlooking the ocean holding hands
 sitting in those damn chairs you had to bring
and yeah I'm still bitching
but my god I miss holding your hand
during something other than.....
I just wish you hadn't given up on me
because baby I still haven't given up on you

tell me

        Sometimes I'm not sure which way to go

Truth

I'm sick of the hurt
I just want sweet
simplify my life
lets get high from the music again
tell me the truth
bravery is beautiful
have the courage to be jealous
 a prized possession
wishful thinking
living in denial
I'm a damsel in distress
all the time
flat tires
locked in a room
prince charming is a joke
didn't you know?

PS: Sex and Candy is my ringtone again because I've been all head Carolina tails California and it didn't work I need me back

2 am thoughts

I believe you can sleep when you're dead

           I believe in pearls

   being called a wild child made my week

              and made me smile

        I think I should say I'm sorry because I am

I believe in cuddling and fighting because it's fun

         *** Lost causes are my speciality***

                 I have hope for everyone even those who dissapoint me 

     "he's my last project"

I can't remember how many times I've said that

      no one tells the truth

 a lie is prettier

                                                                       I'd rather not be taught a lesson right now

                                           let's see who breaks first.......
                                                              

I've always been the "difficult kind"

and we fall into the same old patterns
because it's easier than being alone
I think this as I laugh bitterly
I feel the wind on my face
as I careen through the night
hell bent on self destruction
a little bit at a time
because lets face it
"I'm too pretty to die"
I say as I inhale my cigarette
my passenger
a past mistake
laughs and shakes his head
I can't hear his voice over the music
and lets be honest I really didn't want to
I regretted bringing him along
his existence saddens me
passionless
I needed the burning end of a bright candle
to meet me in the middle
lost in thought
 I blink back
to the night I drove along the train
and I froze
memorizing the moment
now I know where it is
the only thing that lets me know
I'm not alone at 3 am

such a pretty lie

I remember the last night we spent together
we fought
like always but it was different this time
at the end
you wanted me to hold you
I held you in my arms kissed your head
while I whispered "I'm sorry"
and for once you said "me too"
I knew this would be the last night I ever held you
 when we were one
and it was
I pushed you away
over the edge
because you really didn't make me happy
the pain did
I can't remember our last kiss
and the fact that I may never see you again
scares me
I'm not angry I'm just broken
 your voice so cold now
I don't even know you
But this is how I remember you
I remember the beach
and making love in my favorite room
 going to daddy's grave
I wasn't  sure if I should take you there
but
the tears in your eyes surprised me
I thought he finally gets it
but you didn't
I miss that boy the one I thought I knew
but lets be honest
I was just the fallback girl
and now I go on like you don't exist
but you did
and the memories remain like a song lost in time

palm reader crossed off the list

it's done
At one time I imagined you being at the end of the aisle as I walked down
and now I'm not even sure if you really loved me at all
last night I thought you would have a bit more heart
but you were cold
making me feel like a common place whore
I don't know what's more wounded my pride or my heart
I thought it would be different
but it's not
different guy same story
this time he stayed a little longer
I just want someone to save me
I'm on the verge of a downward spiral and an uphill battle
I never thought I'd let myself get this bad
I don't regonize the girl in the mirror
she's foreign
somehow I lost myself again
and where to find it.....
I'm not quite sure
I do know that I have to stop making puzzle pieces try to fit together that don't belong
you were a piece and we just didn't quite align
oh i've said that so many times
goodbye



palm reader
god of wine
losing a whole year
how's it gonna be/wounded