A cyclone of emotions, colors and partial thoughts

Moving forward in one thing

I fall flat on my ass in another

Last night underneath that sky

the cold air went straight to my lungs

and I felt alive

for once the coffee was too strong

by the time she finished her show

the lower half of my legs were numb

sitting in the backseat of the car

my song came on 

and this unoriginal claimed it as her's

NOOOOOO

I was about ready to put up and fight

when it comes to music I'm about as possesive

as I am about boys and style

"Style is innate NOT bought"

I remember being in 8th grade

 and this boy said to me,

" you just like it because no one else does and you have to be different."

I guess that's true

original to a fault

slightly narcassistic

I feel bad for those around me

they come into my reign of fire

and it's scary

like a robot bitch I'm ready to attack

writing this I think," Man I'm eccentric."

How sad is that?

the medication has worn off folks

I should stop......but I think I'm gonna go color the sky

Bacall and Kat....Remember when we ran the Ratpack?

LOCATION: The mansion on Rainbow Row, Charleston, SC
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: pain, pure joy
PUBLISHED: June 29, 2008
SONG: I'm Only Happy When it Rains -Garbage
Happy Fakers

Reveling in grief the way most do in joy
I can no longer remember purity of happiness
It was only an image from long ago
Does anyone wonder if really and truly
Were denying nature by seeking bliss
Some of the greats would never have been
If they had not been damned
They wrote their way through life
Of course picking up a few addictions or many along the way
But then again that is human nature to destroy itself and everything in its path
So we of course must destroy ourselves
Why preserve something that life is so fleeting
Why not wallow in it and be truly miserable in complete happiness
Maybe were the ones that are really happy
The ones with the hurt inside us
We can’t be filled with joy if we don’t know what it’s like to not be
that is the pure adoring irony of life
The people that are truly happy have hidden scars so deep they can never be filled
And the ones who’ve never been hurt
Well that’s either a facade or their world is about to crumble
That’s where I get my kicks from the Damned Hurt
Pure joy comes from pain

*Dedicated to Fifi

The Fall of Troy

Bloodshot eyes

I think I'm going to throw my blackberry in a river

"Underneath it all " just came on

and you know what?

Sj you were right

I want someone to want me

not a Barbiedoll

Hair never flowing straight

wearing my LBD's

I'm not goth I just like black

To be called baby

without being a sex kitten

My body will not be defiled by someone's lust

My shock justified

when you called

Until I realized

you are running

no femme fatale to sustain you

so you turn to the only thing that did before

I can no longer turn a blind eye

hearing your sins

burdens my heart

FIX HIM

my mind screams

but.....I can't

so instead I close my eyes

to remember the beginning of summer

two disasters only 17

chasing each other down the hall

Spoken words then

became  broken

because it was easier

to remain in her bed

and now its easier to blow smoke in my eyes

in an effort to blind me

but I see you in your mist

the lighthouse remains unseen

and the fog horn goes unheard

the running will cease

when your Converse give out

you'll find you

But for now I release you unto him

I can't fix a broken spirit

Junkie

Memories are a poltergeist
Parking themselves
On a shelf
Until roused from sleep
It smells the same
They look the same
Can people change that little?
Yet be completely different
Track marks run down the arms
Hidden until visible again
Junkies never die
Masochistic tendencies
Come out and play
Take a hand
Let’s drown
And break noon tomorrow
Remember nothing in between
Just let the poison course through
It’ s the only remedy that will do
Forever damned
Better not back off that cliff
Walk on
Cause the pain will pull back
Addiction will take hold once more
junkies never die
we just hide

"And if you were with me tonight I'd sing to you just one more time A song for a heart so big God couldn't let it live"-Jimmy Eat World

Addiction's Muse

" a thousand things we should have

done differently but all we are left with is what we did"-Cherry Crush

Chills the spine as it works

drugs to normalize the mind

Closes eyes

and sinks back

 to the halls of yesterday

blocking out the tomorrow of today

Hands grip the steering wheel

as they've done for the past four years

16 the magic number

now a kid of 20

"on the road"

 becomes this beatnik's manifesto

maybe it's just a passing phase

or maybe he will wander all his days

in the desert of his home town

forever claiming enlightenment

through the mundane

forget not though he is the "man in the box"

No Regrets

LOCATION: Everywhere but the beach,Surfside/Myrtlebeach.Sc
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: friends, change, coffee
PUBLISHED: July 14, 2008
SONGS:Escape(the pina colada song)-Rupert Holmes

      This past week was incredibly memorable. My best friend and I as you all know"Fifi" went to the beach. I wouldn't travel with another person they would drive me insane hell, I'd drive them insane. I happen to be messy,but she is too so it's all good. This song reminds me of how much I trust her. We were watchng "TheSweetest Thing" and I decided to let her cut my hair. Yes, I know nothing climatic nobody died,but for me my hair is important. I'm sorry I'm vain my hair is important to me I'm 16 forgive ok? Anyway she cut my hair it looked fabulous everything was ok.
        This song is great for belting out off key at random moments. Maybe,someday we'll be like the girls in   "The Sweetest Thing" I'll still be a commitment phobic and she'll kick my ass into doing something about it. Until then I guess we'll just be drinking buddies (it's coffee guys don't get worried) haha.Not to mention our run ins with the mysterious door closing ghost. I swear something was there haha and screaming on the phone to her "Lover".
       How could I forget about our special version of scattergories.We would have stayed in bed all day if Grams hadn't of woken us up. Our motto"Sleep 23 hours a day and shop for one." In the end this was our recoup time so what if we only went on the beach twice.Fifi thanks for being my partner in crime these past 11 years hopefully we'll get that house on Rainbow Row someday.

***12 years and counting thank you for sticking with me through this hellish year you are a real pearl necklace my dear***