PROVE ME WRONG

It's new years eve
I have a dress that
sparkles
 waiting to be worn
accompanied by
fuck me heels
I should be on my way
downtown
getting ready
to meet my midnight kiss
someone to fuck me into
the new year
but baby
I hung up those
heels
so now I wait patiently
painting my nails
red
better
to scratch
down your back
my dear
with the lights on
run another mile or two
maybe I can forget
you
or maybe not

Fire and ice

Truthfully most nights
I sleep with my boots on
And my keys beside me
I guess more than anything
I just want to feel protected
Because I can't
remember the last
Time I did
So now I'm fighting sleep
I called you a coward
 but in reality that's me
I acted like a whore
Last night
It's my fallback
My comfort zone
Your's is being cold
I can't break your walls down baby
But I'll be here when you get back

Bartender this one's for you

We are all just a generation of lost souls
She muses
As she takes a drag off her cigarette
She looks for salvation in a pack of cigarettes
Diet coke
And whatever boy lay in her bed
Still reeling from her last breakdown
She's actually alone tonight for once
And the silence drives her mad

Kindred spirit

It's 2 am and you thought he'd call by now
Saying he was sorry
Made a mistake
It's 2 am
And you can't sleep
It's 2 am and this has fucked with your head way harder than you thought it would
Bc for the first time in years
You let someone see you
See how messed up you can be
Coming at them like a hurricane
And it fucks with you
Bc in the end you know how
You look
Pathetic
WEAK
You built that wall for a reason
 he begged for it to come down
You dated someone for almost two years
and it never came down
This kid shot through it
In hours
Like it was made of glass
And you can't figure out why
It bothers you so much
Still it's 2 am
And you're alone
Smoking the days last cigarette
Wondering where he is

Moleskinemusings

I'd rather you
See me naked
Than let you inside
My head
And as for my heart
I'd rather you just didn't
Fucking
 is so much easier than love

Just another

She stares blankly
at the mirror
As she swipes
Her lipstick on
Just another day
And then like a hurricane
A shift can be felt
In the air
And a memory
Caresses her mind
Like a lover
And suddenly she's  taken back
Remembering for a short while
A time when she was happy
Back to the time when kissing him
Was the best high
She ever had
And after years of running
For a little while she stopped
And let this man hold her
But then again
Nothing is forever
And it wasn't wasted time
Maybe time lost
For she could never touch
His soul
The way he touched hers
When he found her
Little by little she lost him
And try as she might
She never got him back
He was in love with another
She was just something to pass
The time
There's something to be said about
Unrequited love
She muses
As she snaps back
To the present
The air as heavy with her memories
As it is with her perfume

I think about you

Daddy,

The rain quietly calms my nerves
As I've
I've cried out all my thoughts
The numbness sets in like it always does
I shoot myself in the foot
Maybe I like the pain
I've always lived by the code
That it's better to bleed
Than to feel
However I can't hide the scars
Anymore so I write
Maybe I don't know how to be happy
To be normal
To accept that somebody can love me
All of me flaws included
There's this boy
No man rather who loves me despite it all
Who gives me anything I ask for
And yet I hurt him with these tantrums of mine
I hope he holds on and doesn't let go
Because I love him
And that scares me to love someone
Because you left me
I'm terrified to love someone
And have them die
To turn into her
A ghost of a woman
Mourning you
12 years later
The funny and fucked up thing
Is I'm happy with my life
So I don't know why I keep trying
To hurt myself so I'll be unhappy
Maybe it's because I've held onto the pain for so long
And I don't know why
But I can't do it anymore
I'm letting you go daddy
I can't have you riding passenger
Side anymore
I came here to make peace with you
And I have
So I pray you no longer haunt me
A daddy is a girl's first love
And I never thought I'd fall
Again
But I did so I ask for your blessing and love to shine down
I'll always be your little girl
            Love always,
                Toogi

Things that are better left unsaid

It's funny how you can almost feel
A shift in emotion
I guess it's my fault
I hurt you too much
You become immune
To my bullshit
To my love
I'm fucked up
In the head
And my heart is permanently
Cracked
This is why
I push you away
And then beg you to stay
Sometimes I wish we could
Begin again
There are many things I would
Do differently
I wouldn't hurt your heart
So in return you wouldn't hurt mine
I never meant to fall this hard
I never meant to love this deep
But I do
And I hope you'll always
Be there when I wake