Saturday, March 21, 2009

Blue on Black

My words will be watched
my rebel without a cause
you know I've wanted to be with you
throughout this entire other ordeal
Now I have Liz Phair
on repeat in my mind
and I know you want me
you told me so
in one way or another
so why do I feel as if
I have to scream for your attention
tell me I'm the one that is all you have to do
it's that simple and that complicated
I'm yours but I don't think that will ever be enough
I never seem to be enough
for anyone
yet I remain your girl
Immobilized by the fear
of you leaving
and I realize suddenly
that I pushed you
out the door
and my love
I'm afraid you may be lost
forever and always to me
by my sabotaging self
Soon it will be time to say good bye
and as you leave I'm sure you will
take my heart with you
Right now though
I am just supposed to enjoy
the present never to look past
tomorrow borrowing trouble
seems to be my calling card
my signature
just as my black on black satin
and my translucent skin
colors contrasting
but you know not
and now possibly never will

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Mount Hope

My heels sank into the ground
over the grass where
your body lies rotting
but you are not there
tears slowly start falling
out of the corner of my eyes
as I remember that day
these white double doors stared at me
which brings me back to
those moment in which
my skin blistered in the sun
as you forced that rod into my hand
I resented every moment
as the sun beat down on me
and I wished I was somewhere else
and now I would give anything
to be back there
no expectations no realizations
of the hardships of life
so beautiful and innocent
I remained when I took your
hand and we finally went home
Even then I was never
what you wanted me to be
now as I reflect upon my past mistakes
I realize that I will never be
that little girl again
then again I never was
the little girl I should have been
Now, I'm older and less diligent
I, rarely come to see you
because, of the disappointments
I know I would cause even in your slumber
but, know this daddy I love you still
and a piece of you remains always with me
Maybe I can be your desert rose
but I doubt I'll ever live up to my namesake
that is in my eyes though
in yours I already did

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm a"Tuesday" kind of gal

sleepwalking through life
The feelings I have plastic replications
of what I've seen
and felt from other's lives
Numbing what you feel
and being so damn melodramatic
about everything
I'm really not that important
To sit here and wallow
and bathe myself in the regret of yesterdays
I long to love unabashedly
to feel fully alive when I wake
from the caffeine fueled night
To learn to forgive myself
first and foremost
let others love me
and not sell my soul
in the process of doing so
I've wasted so much time
in self pity and
not even actualizing the pain
as imperfect as I might be
I want to wake up in the morning
and not hate myself
for things I did yesterday
and to like the person I've become
We should laugh at the situations
we find ourselves in when
we think we've lost everything
and really it's just the beginning
to learning everything we need to know

Note: If, this seems cheesy it probably is, I'm not apologizing for anything. Have a great day.