Friday, August 28, 2009

Betsey Johnson BarbieDoll

I'm ready to run again
Let's leave the past behind
A warning placed beside my heart
Caution I'm not the girl you want
Causing me to say you're not really for me anyway
But you know I don't really mean it
And I'm sure you know I'm better off alone
Do you realize my bluster
The facade I'm able to bring about
Everything created to please the eye
But really I just want to dance
No spin in circles hand in hand with you
Strawberry Wine the soundtrack
You hold me to while I sleep
No expectations assumed for something I can't give
Unfortunately my facade fades away
And gives way to reality
Which I realize that while reading between your lines
You've gone some place that I've lost your interest
This time around I'm not going to try to control you
with your wanton bedroom eyes
That girl grew up on a freezing night while she cried herself to sleep
Making it a lose lose situation
Damned if I do by the audience of my wannabe life
And damned by myself for pushing you away
Which is why you could never love me
I wish you could have been my"dare to be great situation"
Loving me the way I love:complete unabashed and never ending
But I can't be restrained
And I will never be your wildflower
But its ok I walk on alone
Eyes flashing fire alive
No man is ever worth your freedom
**Dedicated to every "would have, should have,could have"-SATC
"Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
And drowning the thoughts of your life in the music"(Red Light Fever) Liz Phair

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I wish I was a time traveler's daughter

Sometimes I can hear your voice
And remember that last embrace
But I can't imagine your face
You so old now 38
Your hair fully gray
Those laugh lines permanent you knew you were supposed to die young
And I look for clues to give me proof that isn't there
But please don't ever doubt my faith
I would give anything to see you alive just one more time
Even though it meant knowing you would die
I wished you would haunt me
But you didn't
Your memory still the same
People forget the dead never change
Unfortunately I have
I'm a mess of a girl
That pushes people away
No one can handle me and few try
No one can love all the scars or heal the hurt
I am numb
Which is why
Lately you've been pushed in the back of my mind where I wish you would stay
But like me you won't listen
Making me wish the impossible
And reliving your death again and again and again in my head
You were so real and I feel like a doll on display
Yet I still look for clues
That maybe just maybe you're back
I wish someone would tell my heart the truth
But it tells a story of it's own
Mostly saying I'm sorry
I'm not more like you
Fearless and defiant
I happen to be afraid of everything
Most of all to let go of the past
Because everytime I go
Where you lay
I become that little girl again
the past always remembers
I would know I tried in vain to forget
Tears shed as I walk away
Spanish moss blowing in the wind
the only sound is of my whisper of a goodbye
Till next time daddy
And I drive away swearing I could hear your laughter
Then again what do I know
I'm 17 and crazy

Monday, August 10, 2009

Thank God for eye cream my dark circles will be murder

the past can never be undone
Some relish in that fact
they are preserved somewhere in time
Forever young
While the rest of us
wake up
With hurt that remains as a reminder of what could have been
Taking months to lessen
But we never forget it
Making us bitter enough to let our last experience ruin a new one
It should never be like that
But the memories so cringe worthy
Do not become forget me nots like the sweet nothings whispered on the wind of deceit
Because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Making her a shell of who she used to be the anger becomes her
And she inturn loves the anger
Like she loved him
Because love and hate are never far apart

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The second installment of my funny rambling passed off as prose...enjoy

I drove to the city we both know well
Looking for answers to all my questions
But the "band was playing too slow"
And after all this time
I will bury you with the rest of my would be mistakes
Leaving me to wonder what I did wrong
Is it the same as always?
The fact that I will never be enough let alone for myself
Leaving everyone else out of the question
The respect is gone if it ever was there
I'm the girl who never has fit in
That scares people on a daily basis
"The things that come out of her pretty little mouth"
These past few years that has often been said by one disbeliever or another
I have never been the desired girl
Always second best you couldn't have her so you were with me
I've never worn knockoffs
I don't know why I allow myself to be treated like one
Maybe it's because I keep hoping one day you will wake up and realize that there is no one else like me
Please don't lust after me
I've been down that road
It was never as I imagined it
Being a vixen is lonely
I just want to be cherished
Like my favorite pearl bracelet
My jewelry has lasted
longer than any man
So why would I want any different for myself
Some how what I want and what my reality has been is quite different
"I should" have becoming a key phrase in my vocabulary
I sit here and I look back on my short but long 17 years and I think,"whatever happened to that kick ass girl who didn't take anyones lip"?
Raising my hand like the silly school girl I am
I know the answer because
it's always the same
She fell in love with love