Honesty is tiring

I've got to get out of here
I keep saying over and over in my head
but we all know no matter where I go
destruction follows in my wake
poisoning my self along the way
I do it all to numb
 yesterday's misgivings
and tomorrows aftermath
I've dug a hole so big
I don't know if I can get out
or if I even want to
help is my forbidden
4 letter word
yet I cry out save me
to anyone who will listen
but let me tell you a secret
I don't really want your help
I just want to know that you're there


****these 3 things are true
I'm in love with being miserable
I'm in love with my depression
Im afraid to be happy****

Top 5 songs of the moment

1.It's me not you- Mike Mangione "There's a healing wound that cries
For every man that's brushed your thigh
But you cover up and play it all again
You flinch with every touch
Hoping he won't take too much"

2.Guinever-The Eli Young Band   "For as much as she
stumbled she's runnin' for as much as she runs she's still here"
 
3. Do No Wrong - Thirteen Senses "Close the door before it's late
We were born to love and hate
Turn it down for our own sake
We do no wrong"

4.She's a Genius- Jet "If what you know is who you are then
she's everything you don't need an education
 to know what class you're in."

5. Stephanie Says- Velvet Underground " Stephanie says,"that she wants to know why she's given her half her life to people she hates now"

"I am like Midas in reverse"

the crazy is something I can count on
to paraphrase a friend
as my mom rolls her eyes
and says," here we go again"
but it won't happen
I hate to say this
BUT
I'm pretty sure I put my all my eggs in one basket
and floored it as I reversed over them
everything I touch becomes a disaster 
I'm pretty sure
I can't be left alone with my thoughts
I'll go even crazier
la la la FUCK
can you have a life crisis at 18?
he hates to be alone
well i hate to tell him
I'm always alone
it's easier
he should learn that
just like I did
the silence still scares me
it never goes away
maybe we can be together
nah life never goes that way

This is what I want....cherry crush me now with a diet coke and slopes

I feel like i'm in a speeding car
shooting up heroin as i go down the road
 and i can't stop
 and he's the drug and the driver
this is what I want to run away with
but this doesn't exist in 2010
it barely existed in '91
but it's what I want
I'm so tired of being told to grow up
I get the fucking point
and yes you can be depressed for no reason at at all
anyone ever read shop girl?
for me it all began.....
and no one really wants to hear that story
not anymore
for so many years i sucked it up I swallowed pill after pill
they've stopped working folks
time for lithium?
electro shock?
am I just a lost cause?
no but I'm sick of wallowing in my woe is me kind of life
I suck at change
no shit but I didn't think it would be this bad
have they won?
not yet
but almost
thank god for lipstick, pearls, and perfume
or nothing would ever be ok

Sparkle

I want to be treated like a lady, to be asked out get dressed up,and go
to dinner with my beaux. I want love in its all consuming form. I want a place to wear my favorite black silk dress. In, this drab dreary world I live in it's a bit too much to ask for. I have such high expectations but I settle for less. I always have, but I deserve more and I know but most of all I want Sparkle. That spark you feel from love or even a new pair of shoes. I want to be inspired by something again. Life is not black, or white, but sometimes living in the shades of grey leaves much to be desired. Maybe I just want a little bit of a definitive answer.