Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I always wanted to be Kat Stratford

Written Janaury 22, 2008

I can’t imagine what’s going through her head and heart
Since you left her here all alone except for that baby girl with those haunting eyes
I sit here and cry I’m weeping over you and I never even knew you
You made me realize my situation all the emotions that I've been hiding
From everyone I’m scratching at my cage trying to get out and I can’t
It’s killing me I killed my insides with my own actions
When I heard about you yesterday I just wanted to die
You were part of my world before he left
Pure and whole you were to me
Now you’ve abandoned me too
This must’ve been what it was like when the others left too so many years ago
Why go home?
Come be a muse be a lover be a poet be anything but dead
I can’t change the past not even the future it seems like
Fate is all there is to be
Why even move?
We move because if we don’t then we can’t be sedated much longer
Sedation being our ultimate goal in this life to the next
Just to stop the hurt
I guess that’s what you thought too

***Dedicated to Heath Ledger****

To be 15 again.....nah I'll live with my mistakes

Hours fading into your face
Ill never tell you what happened so many years ago
I see the circles forming under your eyes
Those hours I spent curled up in that chair next to you
Never saying a word
It reminds me of that time we spent in that orchard so many years ago
Indian summer fading into fall
Playing catch me if you can
With what was left of our youth
As night came to dawn
We walked out on each other
Except I never forgot you
I've always loved you and probably always will
I didn’t tell you about my predicament
My little mistake I had taken care of
Something I've regretted all this time
They say “Regret reminds you you’re alive”
Regret makes me want to die
I came back to my roots last night
I walked into this little dive
There you were behind the bar
A small town bartender is your plot in life now
Whatever happened to the young activist?
I loved and knew back then?
I realized then answered my own question in my head
He died the day I went off to find my dreams
I left him in small town hell
Years passed and when I finally came back
He was different he had changed
He grew up and settled for what he thought was a life
As I went back to my child hood home that night
I cried for him I cried for my mistakes of the past
Most of all I cried for every dream he ever lost
After that night I moved on never looking back
To the boy with beautiful eyes who died inside himself so many years ago
Realizing that we all grow up
We all move on
And most dreamers die before their dreams ever do

**Go easy on this poem I was just a sophomore**

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Getting Lost on I40

"And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black" Black- Pearl Jam

Black has the mourning
while the sun rises red
blood spilt in the night
becomes the dead
yet my friend things
appear different to the mind
than the soul
combatting one another
but it doesn't matter
in the end we all succumb to black
because we can't see past our sunshades
while music speaks louder than these words
for they are nonsensical to most
riddles in my head
under my skin
please try to guess
where it all begins
perhaps I've begun to hope
all the while knowing
the mourning will remain
draped in black
until the sun rises red

Saturday, September 26, 2009


The wind on my skin
the words coursing through my veins
my heart heavy
I prefer to be alone
wanting to be a vagabond
that wish is not to be fulfilled
my life is planned out for me
even so
fear shakes me of the future
he will deteriorate
and death will consume him
my second father
may not walk me down the aisle
I blink away the rain coming from my eyes
I've known pain
and should be used to this
but I'm not
every time someone dies
or tells me that some day they're gonna go away
the knife is just as sharp
and the pain is renewed
the years I spent internalizing past events
taught me that you must cry
but not in front of others
always get it together
remember the memories you had
easier said than done
what will I do when he no longer knows me
He picked up the pieces
and now it's up to me
to go on
and I must
because yesterday is now today
the past becomes my future
and I walk down the same road
you did years ago
because the world spins
even if your heart ceases to exist

"Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else" - "One headlight" the wallflowers

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Last Goodbye

"Just hear this and then i'll go you gave me more to live for more than you'll ever know" - Jeff Buckley

Looking into your eyes the other night,I finally saw behind the mask. As cliche as it sounds I saw a lost boy.Who for so many years has been covering up his pain with variations of things.I think that is one of the reasons we got along so well yet clashed.We both for so long had been running to the nearest fix.For awhile we tried to be each other's but it didn't really work.

I wanted you to save me but you couldn't.Poor boy you couldn't even save yourself.I had been looking for so long for someone to fill that void in my life.I desperately wanted you to be it.You weren't it at all. Leaving me in the end a woman scorned.

Causing me this,past summer everytime I thought of you to be filled with anger.Which I held on tight and I don't really know why. Maybe I thought that if I was still angry at you in a way I held a piece of you.Sad,I know and I was almost to the point of letting go and then you contacted me. I thought "great now I will never let you go."

After all this time hearing your voice still made my heart beat faster.Making me miss you but in a nostolgic way kind of like thinking of my childhood.Yet,I realized that I had this anger that needed not to exist.Talking to you dissapated that.The anger now replaced with sympathy that maybe someday you will find what you've been looking for.I say this with a smile"I'm glad I wasn't it" because, without,you I am free.

So now,I let you go hopefully this will be my last post about you.Even,so I won't forget you because in my own twisted way once upon a time I did love you.Time marches on I've grown up and the love has been replaced.Yet,you my dear have stayed the same.
I wish you well and part with my heart intact. Good bye has never sounded so sweet.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Just push play- My top 5

1.Red Light Fever- Liz Phair
"Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
Drowning the thoughts of your life in the music"

2. I am Mine- Pearl Jam
"And the feeling, it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significant, behind the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight"

3. Holy Roller Novocaine- Kings of Leon (Disclaimer:I've like them since 2007 so yeah)
"I don't care if you're by yourself
Or you're all alone when you need my help
Keep that smile on your pretty face
Cause you don't have much I can't take away"

4. Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd
"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears."- dedicated to G.D.G.

5. Fade Into You-Mazzy Star
"You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there"

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Rose Red

Etched in the stone
the end and the beginning
so soft and mallable
like delicate metal
pouring in
sheets sable
like that of the night
the wind whips about decay
on this hollowed ground
although all rots
the memory remains
souls wrapped about
in a beautiful purgatory
for past sins
a reminder for repentance
while the deceiving beauty smiles on