I give up
My hands I wipe clean
Of the mess before me
preaching doesn't help
Pleading makes it worse
You act as if I'm trying to crucify you
The one driving the nails
In that coffin you are so hell bent on getting
"Live fast die young"
That's your new motto
Let that be engraven upon your tombstone
I'm not your girl friend
I'm not your babysitter
And I am sure as hell not your mother
So go take another hit
And watch me walk away
I'm glad my concern amuses you
you break my heart
Because I have to sit here and watch you go down in flames
Take a swig of jack
Now go light yourself on fire
You pressed the button for
But darling you could've called me....
Hate will kill you
before death marks you off her list
to dive deeper into the hurt
never letting go
won't is the key word
the mirror is shattered
everyday a shard of glass is needed
to slice across a scar
it's opened frequently
because it just feels so good to hurt
clinging to the past
throwing away the opportunites the present brings about
self depracating to a fault
the way the hair winds around a finger
it goes round like a ferris wheel
the ups the downs
the highs are the downs
being happy is too easy
a fix is crazed
a bottle marked DRAMA
drink a little
twice a day EVERYDAY
just like the doctor prescribed
oh looky here
how the mighty will fall
we've raised an entire generation of Hemingway's
I hate this feeling
the phrase you fall in love with what you focus on
chokes me with tighly gloved hands
I clutch tightly to my little book
and for once running is a good thing
too bad you know me well enough
that you see past my lying blue eyes
and another one bites the dust
LOCATION: The mansion on Rainbow Row, Charleston, SC
TAGS: pain, pure joy
PUBLISHED: June 29, 2008
SONG: I'm Only Happy When it Rains -Garbage Happy Fakers
Reveling in grief the way most do in joy
I can no longer remember purity of happiness
It was only an image from long ago
Does anyone wonder if really and truly
Were denying nature by seeking bliss
Some of the greats would never have been
If they had not been damned
They wrote their way through life
Of course picking up a few addictions or many along the way
But then again that is human nature to destroy itself and everything in its path
So we of course must destroy ourselves
Why preserve something that life is so fleeting
Why not wallow in it and be truly miserable in complete happiness
Maybe were the ones that are really happy
The ones with the hurt inside us
We can’t be filled with joy if we don’t know what it’s like to not be
that is the pure adoring irony of life
The people that are truly happy have hidden scars so deep they can never be filled
And the ones who’ve never been hurt
Well that’s either a facade or their world is about to crumble
That’s where I get my kicks from the Damned Hurt
Pure joy comes from pain
Memories are a poltergeist Parking themselves On a shelf Until roused from sleep It smells the same They look the same Can people change that little? Yet be completely different Track marks run down the arms Hidden until visible again Junkies never die Masochistic tendencies Come out and play Take a hand Let’s drown And break noon tomorrow Remember nothing in between Just let the poison course through It’ s the only remedy that will do Forever damned Better not back off that cliff Walk on Cause the pain will pull back Addiction will take hold once more junkies never die we just hide
"And if you were with me tonight I'd sing to you just one more time A song for a heart so big God couldn't let it live"-Jimmy Eat World
LOCATION: Everywhere but the beach,Surfside/Myrtlebeach.Sc
TAGS: friends, change, coffee
PUBLISHED: July 14, 2008
SONGS:Escape(the pina colada song)-Rupert Holmes
This past week was incredibly memorable. My best friend and I as you all know"Fifi" went to the beach. I wouldn't travel with another person they would drive me insane hell, I'd drive them insane. I happen to be messy,but she is too so it's all good. This song reminds me of how much I trust her. We were watchng "TheSweetest Thing" and I decided to let her cut my hair. Yes, I know nothing climatic nobody died,but for me my hair is important. I'm sorry I'm vain my hair is important to me I'm 16 forgive ok? Anyway she cut my hair it looked fabulous everything was ok.
This song is great for belting out off key at random moments. Maybe,someday we'll be like the girls in "The Sweetest Thing" I'll still be a commitment phobic and she'll kick my ass into doing something about it. Until then I guess we'll just be drinking buddies (it's coffee guys don't get worried) haha.Not to mention our run ins with the mysterious door closing ghost. I swear something was there haha and screaming on the phone to her "Lover".
How could I forget about our special version of scattergories.We would have stayed in bed all day if Grams hadn't of woken us up. Our motto"Sleep 23 hours a day and shop for one." In the end this was our recoup time so what if we only went on the beach twice.Fifi thanks for being my partner in crime these past 11 years hopefully we'll get that house on Rainbow Row someday.
***12 years and counting thank you for sticking with me through this hellish year you are a real pearl necklace my dear***
melts the face about the bend and glistens
as the soundtrack of the future
ran ahead leaving residue
powder like cocaine
yet benign in effect
smoke fills the air
blown from a withered hand
nails bitten down to the quick
knuckles cracked and bleeding
the bloodshot blue eyes close
and perfection appears
but tomorrow remains alone
LOCATION: Walmart,Steak&Shake , K-Town YEAR: 2007 TAGS: bittersweet beginnings, &endings PUBLISHED: June 16, 2009 SONG: Soul Kitchen -The Doors
Whenever I hear the opening beat of this song I'm taken back to a time of first loves and yellow moons. I'm 15 and wearing my favorite blue and green striped halter top with my flowy white pants. The air is permeated with Coconut Lime Verbena and our sense of youthful hope. Fifi, and I were at dinner when we really she convinced you to come to the movies with us. You, whined that you were just too tired from football practice (two a day's anyone?).
You came anyway arriving late, but that was your usual tendency. You were always late when you needed to be early and early when you needed to be late. Your baby blue eyes were hidden by your Ray Bans you and your wavy brown hair covered like always by Vernon the hat that will never die. You, sat between Fifi and I, because you could not stand Lorraine. The, movie was just another comedy of 2007 which that summer there seemed to be too many of. When, it was over we left Lorraine, because you were hungry and wanted food.
I remember you sitting Indian style on the ground outside the pinnacle with your face in your hands. You, were pitiful but the picture was adorable. I, hate to say I don't have it now. The phone was destroyed that winter by my rage issues and a locker.
There was only one place that was open in the little plaza and you of course wanted to go there, Steak and Shake. Whenever, I think Steak and Shake I think calories and fat grams, but you and Fifi wanted to go there. I, like most times just went along for the ride. You, drove like a bat out of hell and this song was playing in the background. Fifi, was sitting up front and I in the back, windows down rarely straight hair blowing in the wind. When, we arrive at steak and shake you guys order cokes. While I, just sit there with an air of disdain around me. All, of the sudden three guys come walking in one would be my first boyfriend and one would inspire me as a writer.
After, what seems like an eternity of awkward conversation and staring at my chest. They, finally left," Oh shit," I say," What time is your mom picking us up?" (We're still just 15 here) "Soon, we have to go over to walmart she can meet us there." Fifi says with not a bit of panic in her voice. (I'm the spaz remember?) "Why can't she just pick you up here?" you ask with this sheepish look on your face. In which, she calmly replies"she won't believe we walked all the way over here Walmart is closer to the theatre." With, a deep breath and a sigh she says,"Plus, she would kill me for hanging out with you....you're 17 and a boy she thinks it's just me and Brigitte."
"Well then, what in the fuckin hell are we still doing here? Let's go." You said while you lay down a ten to pay for the two drinks. You, never did get that burger that night. When, we got to walmart you guys decided to play hide and seek from me.I knew it was so you could be "alone" in which you did nothing but hold hand and at that time they fit. Even, if they wouldn't later on.I, finally decided to look for you guys and found you both in the music section,shocking really."Hurry." I say pannicking while walking hurridly to the otherside of walmart.We needed to show her mom that we actually needed to go to walmart. So, we got some whipped cream, candy corn, and 300.Saved, by my sweet tooth and Fifi's love of epic action flicks.
Before the night ended I knew she was in love with you. Just,by the way she looked at you as you called her name on the way out.She too was looking for any excuse to stay. As,She turned around your arms are extended. She starts running towards you in a movie like fashion.You hug no squeeze her tightly almost as if you were trying to memorize the way she felt in your arms. I, tried not to look back, but I couldn't resist it was one of those moments time stood still for.
As, I stepped out into the parking lot that night I'll never forget the way the air smelled. I had a strange feeling I would never be the same and I was right. In, those next few weeks I would fall in "love" for the first time. That, night however,would be the beginning of the end to my innocence.
The day the music came alive
LOCATION: Car/ Highway , Surfside
TAGS: The summer of a thousand days
PUBLISHED: June 10, 2008
SONG: Buffalo Springfield
I'll never forget the first time I heard this song. I was on my way to the beach with my grams for memorial day weekend. It was the beginning of the summer going into my freshmen year. She had this random cd in the car so I put it in and began to search around for a song that I liked. I remember i stopped on this song. I became mesmirized by it I am not really sure why. Maybe, because it was a 60's protest song and I could relate in my own way. Maybe it was the fact that I would soon lose my innocence and naivety and always look back on this time fondly filled with both. I don't think it was that at all I think it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. As strange as that sounds this has and always will be the themesong in mylife. I think it's because it reminds me when everything was beautiful. Even so, that day will always be remembered as taking us 3 hours to get to our destination which was only a 1 and a half away. It took so long because Grams and I stopped at this seedy antique house. This was where I found my first 45's Bobby Darin and The Monkee's. I of course read bobby darin wrong and thought it said Bob Dylan. I remember being so excited then dissapointed when I got into the car and saw that it was not Dylan.When we finally arrived I was actually upset because the ride was over and if I have learned one thing in life it's that" It's in the journey not the destination." This of course would not become evident to me until a few years down the road. Looking back though, I realize that the ride was the best part and I guess that's how life is. Just like the quote said It's not exactly where you go it's how you get there. Problaby the hardest lesson I ever learned, but am ever so greatful for it.
Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one
man from another.
LOCATION: schoolroom , Knoxville
TAGS: Like not love
PUBLISHED: September 22, 2008
SONG: Linger- The Cranberries
I was singing Zombie and couldn't get it out of my head one day in Algebra. Looking around I ask if anyone likes The Cranberries? He of course, replied, " I like "Linger". Everyone else too oblivious to life to even know who The Cranberries are/were. I was annoyed at first because I thought that it was a typical answer. I shrugged it off and filed it to the back of my mind under misc.information. Never, guessing that I would fall for him. Dylan the boy with curly brown hair and piercing gaze that rivels Jim Morrison's. As, I developed this crushI remembered this song and how he liked it. I wrote this poem for him a while back and yes, of course linger was playing in the background.
Take me in your arms
Holding me with your sweet embrace
Until we part for one reason or another
What is it that we must be unsatisfied with life?
Passion coursing through our veins
The want and need we hold for one another
Yet, we refrain
Those, glances from across the room
Forever burned into my memory
To be forgotten
As we lay down each other and pick up another
Both, wondering what would have been
If we had not been so afraid to fall
Pride held us back
Your words burned into me and still do
Reminiscing on the past I know I could have changed it all with a word
A single gesture toward you
Yet, I decided to remain coy
Now, I am left here to wonder what could have been
Idealizing my past mistakes with a sweet honesty
Which only a jaded heart could do
Someone who hurts but
is searching for that person
who completes them
Ignoring my own advice because I know
That nothing ever ends with happily ever after
Yet, I still end up wishing for one with you
Note: I didn't end up with this boy, but I'm not sad about it.
LOCATION: My life , knoxville
TAGS: Breaking walls
PUBLISHED: June 9, 2008
Song: Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd
I cried today for no reason at all. Why I picked now of all times hell if I know. I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly in gut wrenching fall on the floor grief. I've numbed my emotions out for one reason or another. I'd thought I'd forgotten how to cry since I rarely do so. I usually have to be provoked. I'm so good at hiding the hurt that when that wall breaks down you forget how raw and emotional it is. I've probably cried less than ten times since my fathers death. I couldn't deal with the pain I can't even deal with it now. I would love to go take a xanax and sleep all day tomorrow ,but I can't. I have to go on the world does not stop for me to finally feel something real in six years. No, matter how hard I try to make time stop to hold on just for a second it doesn't. The sun will rise in a few hours no matter what I do and no matter how hard I cry.
I think that is why I stopped crying in the first place because, I knew that crying would not bring him back so why even bother with it. I always saw it as weak I would not be one of those "girls" the kind that cries in movies and at the end of books etc. No, I wanted to be the girl with the steel heart the one that doesn't have to feel a thing except occasional imitation happiness. I wanted everything numbed out and I did it. Unfortunately, for me my wall was made up of a weak foundation. One of course that could very easily break. It did today I think all traces of my wall are gone. I hate it. I miss the security of being numb. I want to be "Comfortably Numb" again it was so much easier than feeling. So, today I am the owner of a broken wall and an aching heart. I never thought this aching would return I did everything I could to bury it. I couldn't and now it hurts and I want to curl up and a ball and die, but I know that I can't because,"The end is just the beginning." That is the reason I know I must go on. I hope someday to rise above this and be truly happy. Then, again what is true happiness? I just hope being numb all the time wasn't better
Note: I'm beginning to think it was better everything hurts then again what is life? October 6
LOCATION: Hell on Earth , Knoxville
TAGS: death, daddy, grief, music
PUBLISHED: June 3, 2008
Song:Simple Man-Lynyrd Skynyrd
My father died six years ago to this very date June 3rd. It was a Monday and he and I were supposed to plant tomatoes in our little garden at home. Except my daddy never came home and that was the day my childhood died. He died at work on his break playing basketball he was 30yrs old. I'll never forget that morning when my meme woke me up and led me to the living room. My entire family was sitting around my mother who was seated on the couch. I knew something was wrong when I saw her tearstained face and blood shot eyes. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity until I demanded to know what was wrong. She then turned to me and said,"Daddy went to be with Jesus." With those six little words my world came crashing down upon me. I cried out,"Why?" over and over again.
That question has to this day never been answered so,I learned to stop asking. In all of this grief I became the adult and I couldn't deal with it. On the insideI wasdying and on the outside a bubbly child til I discovered my love for music. My father also had a great love for music which had been kept alive through me. I numbed out my pain with AC/DC,Jimmi,Janis,Pink Floyd,The Doors any amazing band that could just pierce their lyrics or beat into my soul was welcome. You name great bands of any era and I'm probably in love with them and not just the obvious bands please I'm deeper than that NOW. One thing has stayed the same though and that is my comfort music which is Lynyrd Skynyrd. You may call me a redneck if you would like to because,"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." I am who I am. This song describes my father through and through he was "Simple Man" though he was not raised to be so. He rebelled against it all and always remembered his roots rather his father's roots deep in the swamps of ElizabethTown, Nc. When I hear this song it always keeps me grounded and makes me remember who I am and who I came from.
That was my father a simple man who might be appalled at the fact that his daughter is a "Fashonista", even so I remember everthing when this song is on and the pain and the grief come rushing back to me I always remember him and all he stood for his spirit. Or rather his "wandering" one my meme always called it. She says,"That it is in me too." I forget sometimes with the humdrum of daily life,but am always pulled back to reality when this "Funeral March" as I like to call it comes on.When it all comes down to it I am and always will be his, daughter and a Southern girl and I'll be damned if I forget it.
LOCATION: On top of a bronco overlooking the sunset , Canyon,Texas
TAGS: everything in between
PUBLISHED: May 20, 2008
Song: Every Breath You Take- The Police
This song is an amazing 80's classic but even more It's a great breakup song though slightly stalkerish when one listens to it at first but still great. This song brings to mind a question I heard awhile back that intrigued me. Rob: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. "Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music"? Rob makes a good point. By the way this quote was taken from the movie High fidelity in case anyone ever reads this and wants to watch it. Great film very pessimistic but very real at the same time(Late 90's classic). Still the question ensues does music make us depressed or are we depressed because we listened to it. Well my theory is that everyone out there has music that is waiting to be discoverd the kind that will change their lives.
When I talk about this most people think I am crazy but I am really not. I'm just willing to admit what others won't. The power of music I believe that music has the ability to make you realize what was there all along. Music can heal you whether it was sent from God or whatever you believe. I know for a fact I would not be here if it was not for my music because I had nothing left to believe in. Music is the drug that I use to tune everything out to live in denial.At the same time it's what saved me. I truly believe God sent me music to find him it was predestined in my journey to happen. It's impacted me in a way I'll never be able tofully understand.So to answer Rob's question I believe in both I believe in music making you miserable but I also believe in music's ability to heal the soul.
My challenge to you all is to go find your music the kind that can heal your soul or tear it to shreds or do both at the same time. Don't just sit around and listen to the repugnent music of our time that is on the billboards top 100. Instead search around learn who you are become the person you always wanted to be let the music be the inspiration. Let it course through your veins as your life's blood. Be warned all the same though music is a powerful thing and can be used for just about anything good or evil. Oh, and totally random song but I thought it was a beautiful 80's ballad so whatever.
jb this amazing web site where you could put your thoughts to songs is closing its user accounts so I'm putting my favorite posts on here. This website was the starting place for my blog....it will be missed
Falling back to life
LOCATION: overlooking the lake , Florence,South Carolina
TAGS: heartache, love, bittersweet
PUBLISHED: May 19, 2008 Song:Motorcycle Drive By-Third eye blind
She's free yet weighed down
She loves but she's never been in love
So naive yet jaded in a pretty way
The kind of girl you'd never guess likes to bleed for fun
Puts on a face everday just to hide the scars
Everything she is, is everything you never wanted to be
At the moment She's so alone yet so alive
She talks in circles never to be understood
She waits for Prince Charming
She's everything "They" hate
Who are "They"
Hell if I know
but this is my life
so come take a peek inside
my heart is bared for all
You'll never look because you don't really care
It's really okay because
"I knew that I could never have you,"
I remember that day with bittersweet tears of forgotten yesterdays
Still I love you in my own way
Well with what I know of love
which isn't much except heartache and obsession
If you ever read this dear boy know that everything you ever thought was wrong
SOCKOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have mandals for men and sockos for the ladies.......Ms. BB was sporting these today j.crew argyle socks with chacos. This of course is in rebellion to the dress code at my school. You must wear closed toed shoes but the backs can be open. We are also supposed to wear "footies" with our flats. This makes them gag worthy so I don't bother anymore....SENIOR. I do however want to praise Ms.BB for her courageous fashion choice. Let's see how long she will remain unnoticed by admnistration. As, always folks remember "Damn the Man! Save the Empire" -"empire records"
Anger burns inside while the older I grow the easier it is to say goodbye with each annoyance my attachment lessens tempting it is to keep on driving past the exit Instead I go to my park and swing thinking about how different things turned out as a little girl I imagined my life would be so grand The reality is EXTRA ordinary although there are nights when the darkness wraps about me on those nights I miss the beach and relish the fact that I am alone because alone I am not held back forced to face the demons no arms to catch my fall damning the "fomas" I was told as a child
I can’t imagine what’s going through her head and heart Since you left her here all alone except for that baby girl with those haunting eyes I sit here and cry I’m weeping over you and I never even knew you You made me realize my situation all the emotions that I've been hiding From everyone I’m scratching at my cage trying to get out and I can’t It’s killing me I killed my insides with my own actions When I heard about you yesterday I just wanted to die You were part of my world before he left Pure and whole you were to me Now you’ve abandoned me too This must’ve been what it was like when the others left too so many years ago Why go home? Come be a muse be a lover be a poet be anything but dead I can’t change the past not even the future it seems like Fate is all there is to be Why even move? We move because if we don’t then we can’t be sedated much longer Sedation being our ultimate goal in this life to the next Just to stop the hurt I guess that’s what you thought too
Hours fading into your face Ill never tell you what happened so many years ago I see the circles forming under your eyes Those hours I spent curled up in that chair next to you Never saying a word It reminds me of that time we spent in that orchard so many years ago Indian summer fading into fall Playing catch me if you can With what was left of our youth As night came to dawn We walked out on each other Except I never forgot you I've always loved you and probably always will I didn’t tell you about my predicament My little mistake I had taken care of Something I've regretted all this time They say “Regret reminds you you’re alive” Regret makes me want to die I came back to my roots last night I walked into this little dive There you were behind the bar A small town bartender is your plot in life now Whatever happened to the young activist? I loved and knew back then? I realized then answered my own question in my head He died the day I went off to find my dreams I left him in small town hell Years passed and when I finally came back He was different he had changed He grew up and settled for what he thought was a life As I went back to my child hood home that night I cried for him I cried for my mistakes of the past Most of all I cried for every dream he ever lost After that night I moved on never looking back To the boy with beautiful eyes who died inside himself so many years ago Realizing that we all grow up We all move on And most dreamers die before their dreams ever do
"And now my bitter hands Chafe beneath the clouds Of what was everything Oh the pictures have All been washed in black" Black- Pearl Jam
Black has the mourning while the sun rises red blood spilt in the night becomes the dead yet my friend things appear different to the mind than the soul combatting one another but it doesn't matter in the end we all succumb to black because we can't see past our sunshades while music speaks louder than these words for they are nonsensical to most riddles in my head under my skin please try to guess where it all begins perhaps I've begun to hope all the while knowing the mourning will remain draped in black until the sun rises red
The wind on my skin the words coursing through my veins my heart heavy I prefer to be alone wanting to be a vagabond that wish is not to be fulfilled my life is planned out for me even so fear shakes me of the future he will deteriorate and death will consume him my second father may not walk me down the aisle I blink away the rain coming from my eyes I've known pain and should be used to this but I'm not every time someone dies or tells me that some day they're gonna go away the knife is just as sharp and the pain is renewed the years I spent internalizing past events taught me that you must cry but not in front of others always get it together remember the memories you had easier said than done what will I do when he no longer knows me He picked up the pieces and now it's up to me to go on and I must because yesterday is now today the past becomes my future and I walk down the same road you did years ago because the world spins even if your heart ceases to exist
"Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else" - "One headlight" the wallflowers
"Just hear this and then i'll go you gave me more to live for more than you'll ever know" - Jeff Buckley
Looking into your eyes the other night,I finally saw behind the mask. As cliche as it sounds I saw a lost boy.Who for so many years has been covering up his pain with variations of things.I think that is one of the reasons we got along so well yet clashed.We both for so long had been running to the nearest fix.For awhile we tried to be each other's but it didn't really work.
I wanted you to save me but you couldn't.Poor boy you couldn't even save yourself.I had been looking for so long for someone to fill that void in my life.I desperately wanted you to be it.You weren't it at all. Leaving me in the end a woman scorned.
Causing me this,past summer everytime I thought of you to be filled with anger.Which I held on tight and I don't really know why. Maybe I thought that if I was still angry at you in a way I held a piece of you.Sad,I know and I was almost to the point of letting go and then you contacted me. I thought "great now I will never let you go."
After all this time hearing your voice still made my heart beat faster.Making me miss you but in a nostolgic way kind of like thinking of my childhood.Yet,I realized that I had this anger that needed not to exist.Talking to you dissapated that.The anger now replaced with sympathy that maybe someday you will find what you've been looking for.I say this with a smile"I'm glad I wasn't it" because, without,you I am free.
So now,I let you go hopefully this will be my last post about you.Even,so I won't forget you because in my own twisted way once upon a time I did love you.Time marches on I've grown up and the love has been replaced.Yet,you my dear have stayed the same. I wish you well and part with my heart intact. Good bye has never sounded so sweet.
1.Red Light Fever- Liz Phair "Sometimes when I think about you Why you're always running away Sitting in your car Changing who you are Drowning the thoughts of your life in the music"
2. I am Mine- Pearl Jam "And the feeling, it gets left behind All the innocence lost at one time Significant, behind the eyes There's no need to hide We're safe tonight"
3. Holy Roller Novocaine- Kings of Leon (Disclaimer:I've like them since 2007 so yeah) "I don't care if you're by yourself Or you're all alone when you need my help Keep that smile on your pretty face Cause you don't have much I can't take away"
4. Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd "How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls Swimming in a fish bowl, Year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears."- dedicated to G.D.G.
5. Fade Into You-Mazzy Star "You'll come apart and you'll go black Some kind of night into your darkness Colors your eyes with what's not there"
Etched in the stone the end and the beginning so soft and mallable like delicate metal pouring in sheets sable like that of the night the wind whips about decay on this hollowed ground although all rots the memory remains souls wrapped about in a beautiful purgatory for past sins a reminder for repentance while the deceiving beauty smiles on
I'm ready to run again Let's leave the past behind A warning placed beside my heart Caution I'm not the girl you want Causing me to say you're not really for me anyway But you know I don't really mean it
And I'm sure you know I'm better off alone Do you realize my bluster The facade I'm able to bring about Everything created to please the eye But really I just want to dance No spin in circles hand in hand with you Strawberry Wine the soundtrack You hold me to while I sleep No expectations assumed for something I can't give
Unfortunately my facade fades away And gives way to reality Which I realize that while reading between your lines You've gone some place that I've lost your interest
This time around I'm not going to try to control you
with your wanton bedroom eyes That girl grew up on a freezing night while she cried herself to sleep
Making it a lose lose situation Damned if I do by the audience of my wannabe life And damned by myself for pushing you away Which is why you could never love me
I wish you could have been my"dare to be great situation" Loving me the way I love:complete unabashed and never ending But I can't be restrained And I will never be your wildflower But its ok I walk on alone Eyes flashing fire alive No man is ever worth your freedom
**Dedicated to every "would have, should have,could have"-SATC
"Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
And drowning the thoughts of your life in the music"(Red Light Fever) Liz Phair
Sometimes I can hear your voice And remember that last embrace But I can't imagine your face You so old now 38 Your hair fully gray Those laugh lines permanent you knew you were supposed to die young And I look for clues to give me proof that isn't there But please don't ever doubt my faith I would give anything to see you alive just one more time Even though it meant knowing you would die I wished you would haunt me But you didn't Your memory still the same People forget the dead never change Unfortunately I have I'm a mess of a girl That pushes people away No one can handle me and few try No one can love all the scars or heal the hurt I am numb Which is why Lately you've been pushed in the back of my mind where I wish you would stay But like me you won't listen Making me wish the impossible And reliving your death again and again and again in my head You were so real and I feel like a doll on display Yet I still look for clues That maybe just maybe you're back I wish someone would tell my heart the truth But it tells a story of it's own Mostly saying I'm sorry I'm not more like you Fearless and defiant I happen to be afraid of everything Most of all to let go of the past Because everytime I go Where you lay I become that little girl again the past always remembers I would know I tried in vain to forget Tears shed as I walk away Spanish moss blowing in the wind the only sound is of my whisper of a goodbye Till next time daddy And I drive away swearing I could hear your laughter Then again what do I know I'm 17 and crazy
the past can never be undone Some relish in that fact they are preserved somewhere in time Forever young While the rest of us wake up With hurt that remains as a reminder of what could have been Taking months to lessen But we never forget it Making us bitter enough to let our last experience ruin a new one It should never be like that But the memories so cringe worthy Do not become forget me nots like the sweet nothings whispered on the wind of deceit Because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned Making her a shell of who she used to be the anger becomes her And she inturn loves the anger Like she loved him Because love and hate are never far apart
I drove to the city we both know well Looking for answers to all my questions But the "band was playing too slow" And after all this time I will bury you with the rest of my would be mistakes Leaving me to wonder what I did wrong Is it the same as always? The fact that I will never be enough let alone for myself Leaving everyone else out of the question The respect is gone if it ever was there I'm the girl who never has fit in That scares people on a daily basis "The things that come out of her pretty little mouth" These past few years that has often been said by one disbeliever or another I have never been the desired girl Always second best you couldn't have her so you were with me I've never worn knockoffs I don't know why I allow myself to be treated like one Maybe it's because I keep hoping one day you will wake up and realize that there is no one else like me BUT Please don't lust after me I've been down that road It was never as I imagined it Being a vixen is lonely I just want to be cherished Like my favorite pearl bracelet My jewelry has lasted longer than any man So why would I want any different for myself Some how what I want and what my reality has been is quite different "I should" have becoming a key phrase in my vocabulary I sit here and I look back on my short but long 17 years and I think,"whatever happened to that kick ass girl who didn't take anyones lip"? Raising my hand like the silly school girl I am I know the answer because it's always the same She fell in love with love
Falling back into the same patterns Craving the arms wrapped about Waiting by the phone Promises never kept Tears are wept by one or the other Yet I come back Sometimes running as soon as the last fix wore off Hearing the song that I cried for so many hours listening For some things are better left to mystery and you are one of them Because in the end I'm always left alone Standing there placing the needle back again So my record can repeat In order for me to dance blindly Into everything I thought I wanted but leaves me crying beside that same record player Because I will never be enough And my expectations lowered now Will not be met Yet I dance this dance again
Sand against skin Water in eyes Sliding down the cheeks Being furiously wiped away A sign of weakness to the grey man Stand tall be strong remember Who you are But who he is was never what he wanted to be Anything but The ordinary Sunrise blinding As the old trucks careens down A road Without direction In search for who he is The answer isn't hidden But is evident in the twinkle Of his eye Which is The whirlwind of a storm on the rise Take that as you will But he's gonna ride on still
It's night like these with the breeze in my hair a tiny bit sunburned that I hope I remember
It's as if the older I get the younger I feel going back to the park back to those nights when I had fallen "in love" for the first time
when everthing was beautiful and nothing hurt I remember dancing barefoot under the moon feeling like a flower child from days gone
In a dress that still hangs in my closet it hangs there like a memory lost in time it's almost as if the memories would be disturbed if I wore it again
the moon last night was yellow and the boy that I had a crush on long ago in his Raybans and ever present camo hat came to my mind He's lost now I think his spirit died on a late summer night when he realized she would never be his again
Proving that "time doesn't erase people" "People erase people" which we do they hurt us and we eradicate them from our lives leaving me to wonder if the pain would have been worth it If any of them had stayed
Living in the past with my regrets I'm trying to forget but you can't erase these things from your mind with the sunrise this morning I realized that I have to put them away in a little file in my mind but my heart still gapes open remembering all that I had all that I have lost
the silence deafened me as I tried to fall alseep at daybreak because I realized I couldn't run anymore which to me is moving on
I found the monster inside myself the trust is gone I became this thing wholly consumed ignoring my head just to fill the whole and sometimes even if it feels right you know it's wrong The silence I want to embrace Dive deep into my thoughts I've found what I've been looking for being wanted for my kisses isn't it Being raw and real going from the from the ground up I know that I will grow old I want my life to be something more than this but I'm afraid of being alone when I wake up and the sun is shining through my blinds hitting my face pulling the covers to hide my body curled up in a ball 17 and crazy with that I fall back asleep inevitably dreaming about my battlescars everything comes back at night
I heart James dean wannabes Black with jeans on any given day The thunder of the night air on my skin Give me blue on black And please spare me the looks Everyone really just wants to freefall and dance
He still can taste the salt on the wind as he remembers her form draped in white In the early morning light
She was so beautiful but she was a disaster the scars on her body were part of her charm each one had a story to tell
Her laugh was filled with remorse as he took her hand fingernails painted red led her up the winding staircase to the room with a view
They both knew it well because, through the years time after time they're paths would cross again and again
Forcing each to become a comfort to the other they grew dependent on one another over the years she more than he but then again is that not always the way it seems to be
She didn't take up with another the last time they parted ways and when he called her this time she really wasn't the same
She dwelled upon the fact that each time with the same lingering "I love yous" in the air he still would be gone by the 4th day the note always the same "stay as long as you like had to catch a flight to......" London, Paris,Milan,Venice each time different each more exotic than the next
Places she only dreamed of but had never been He was always running away from something she was just there by default to comfort him when he called upon her in her village by the sea
That final morning he left she awoke knowing she'd be alone shaking the sleep from her eyes she knew she would never be enough
With that she arose a white sheet wrapped about her went down to the cliff overlooking the shore She thought of suicide from time to time instead she decided to take a cue from him and leave with just a note except she wouldn't be coming back
Which he only realized this after her cellphone number changed her apartment sold and she was gone
The white sheet on the floor note written in lipstick on the mirror she always knew how to make a dramatic exit
the windows left open as he put the sheet to his face breathing in her perfume he could still taste the salt on the wind remembering everything as it had been
Recently a new and shocking trend arising among young male adults has caught my attention. It is the ATTACK OF THE MANDALS
This, most commonly seen in older men......usually past the age of bladder control. Yet, boys in what seems like the spirit of Chase Hammond. One, of my personal favorite rebels without a cause.Hello the movie Drive Me Crazy people. (Late 90's classic) Not caring what other people thought he did, said,and wore what he wanted. He would be the Marlboro man of the mandal generation.Yes, my friends mandals may be a fashion faux pas to some, but what you should see is the man behind the mandals. He, is the kind of guy other guys secretly want to be but would never say. The, kind of guy all girls want to be with, yet most don't have the guts. That man could be the person that changes our generation as we know it. Non-conformity becoming the death of our plastic society. One, can only dream of such a day. Now, my friends lets raise our coffee cups to the Mandal Man.
"She's the kinda girl that will call you on your bullshit. She isn't afraid to dance and she offers to pay. She doesn't decide before a date whether or not she's gonna kiss you; she's not earnest, yet she's not completely ironic either...She orders dessert and she can be ready in ten minutes."-Chase Hammond
1. You'd Rather Run- Jaymay "And you can forget it, I get itI just don't let it get to me I regret to inform I do not fret or mourn the way things used to beIt's all in the past now, it's all gone."
2. There is a light that never goes out- Morrissey "Take me out tonight because I want to see people and I want to see life"
3. Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie "So when you ask "Is something wrong?"I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now." 4. Ride On-AC/DC "Try to get back to the start and it's another red light nightmare another red light street and I ain't too old to hurry cause I ain't too old to die But I sure am hard to beat" 5. Quiet - Smashing Pumpkins "We mutilate the meanings so they're easy to deny"
Spike-"Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it."- Buffy the vampire slayer Hahahahaha (that's for Fifi)
Today, it's been seven years since you died. I still miss you everday. Yes, I should be done grieving and for the most part I am, but the pain never fully goes away. I know that and I can't even begin to imagine what life would be with you. Do you remember that day at the beach when I was six? We were at Oak Island on our annual beach week. I, loved that week it was so bittersweet,because it meant the end of summer and seeing grandma and Lizzy.
Just, so you know she held my hand the entire time at the funeral. She regrets everything she said that week before you died. She, never stopped loving you Daddy I hope you died knowing that. She, has two twin boys Alex and Eric. Alex looks just like you it's kind of funny he has our eyes.
Mom remarried and has a beautiful boy who is three and half named Cypress. I know you loved that name. I wish you were here to guide me,answer my questions there are so many things I don't understand. I, feel as if I'm running against a ghost. I hope I can do everything that you never had the chance to do. Most of all everyday I miss you.
" I Ain't too young to admit it and I'm not too old to lie I'm just another empty head.That's why I'm lonely.I'm so lonely,but I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna ride on-Ride on."
Adelaide her eyes green china like skin hair flowing red but her face is what stops the world in motion yet she surprises you with blood stained hands so unexpected in her flowing white gown you would never see the knife behind her back she awaits him on the rock in purgatory her beauty still intact death had consumed her long before When he finally heard her call he became mesmerized by the pain they say misery loves company and that's all he really wanted he swims out to her and climbs upon her rock He kisses her lips cherry red as he notices the tears streaming down her face he cups her face and says,"My love I'm here now forgive my former self" With a flash in her eyes she says, "I'm sorry this doesn't mean that I never loved you" with the efficiency of a seasoned hunter she makes a cut through and through he reaches for her as he falls back she turns from him and crumples to the ground in a heap of stained satin she sold her soul to fulfill her deepest desire Self destruction in life and death by killing the one thing she had wanted most love
In her mind she remembers who she used to be Vaguely before the self loathing set in Before the selling began It all came down To one breathy word Four damning letters That she sold her body To him for Really anyone that can offer To her what she is missing To fill up the gaping hole That the scars, hunger pains,and self medicating never will This to be the last attempt At some kind of normalcy Or so she thought Until she woke up alone With a note beside her Saying,” I’m sorry I can’t.” While not blinking an eye She gets up and lights a cigarette Goes into the cabinet and pulls Out the only thing that daddy ever left her That could have saved her And she finishes her cigarette The neighbors heard the shot But no one cares about the wannabe Mrs. Robinson upstairs Not even her mama came they burned her And her only friend spread her ashes over his grave Finally she was at peace just as she had been fifteen years before
Oh! I cherish the thought of sidewalk chalk and riding in the backseat while my role model was chain smoking in the front
As glamorous as the heroin chic models of those late 90's days I remember wearing her heels when she was just seventeen
looking at the stars with her friends the smell of cheap beer and even cheaper whiskey mixed with cigarette smoke That was the perfume I'll never forget
Now I'm seventeen and smoking is considered passe and I can't drink to save my life I still look at the stars
Though I can't help but feel alone with concrete as my pillow I want to go lay in the road but I'm not ready to die before I have really lived
The heels I wear now are my tools of seduction for the sake of my own soul
Understanding sets in to why she cried when he died Why she dove into the bleakest point of her life because whether she believed it or not she loved him and he thought he was invincible but really he was just a boy tumbling down from a heady high
denial became her thing and it still is I laugh because the same blood runs through my veins It's quite obvious I too avoid reality
Proving we are alike in ways known and unknown Relishing the fact that the past holds the future
I wish I was something more than what I am Ridiculed and damned by everything around the intelligence once possessed now gone with a damn
I stare at the vinyl imitation of perceived society praying that it ends soon tick tock tick tock my head wants to explode it of course does not
Idiotic comments spew forth from me and I'm amazed at the lack of understanding from these former beatnik minds that something could spark the remembrance of what used to be
These people who have no regrets are just lying to themselves The regrets of mine are just more surfaced than yours someday you'll look back and see that I really wasn't that crazy but you my dears are blind
You know what I want? I want someone to be so madly in love with me that every song he hears reminds him of me. He, thinks I'm the most amazing thing in this world. He will love every quirk of mine. He will love sunrises not sunsets. He will never expect me to give more of myself than I can. He will understand that my heart has been broken before, because I've gotten attached too quickly. He will understand why I still grieve over my father's death. Why I love coffee and how no matter who I've watched Casablanca with it can't be ruined for me. He is polite and opens the door for me always. He will not drink excessively or do drugs. We will be so different that it works. Fighting with me will be one of his favorite things to do. I want to frustrate him so much that he just has to kiss me. He doesn't have to understand my poetry but he does have to understand me. He must never expect me to change. He has to like my hair better curly than straight. He will always love me in dresses and never expect to see me in a mini skirt. He will ask my permission to kiss me and will make me believe in marriage. He will surprise me with the little things he does. He will hold me all night if I need it and let me cry and he literally will wipe away my tears. He will respect me but challenge me in every way. He will always remember that I like gold better than silver. Pearls better than diamonds. He will like to stay up late at night but will understand why I take naps in the afternoon. He will be able to handle me and he will always be able to keep up with me. He will be my "Wonderwall".
Depression sets in as she leans forward looking for anything to remain sane clinging by her bare hands her face wholly consumed by GRIEF you look past it and see her mind completely blank the stares comments received with an air of distaste realizing that saying goodbye is letting go piece by piece as she realizes she never held him in the first place Now it really doesn't matter she let him think he mattered more than he did The battle ended in a draw how can they both be right when in time to each others mind they are both wrong What is right? Truth is right but the interpretation of truth that is yours according to her is wrong then again she dismisses her case with proving her point
Last night, I had coffee with the guy who had my complete and utter devotion last year. I was bored out of my mind and had made the plans on Monday. I cancelled on him, because I had to go to an early birthday dinner for myself. Well, that was yet another family dinner from hell and I just could not go home on a Saturday night and wallow. No, I had to get out for awhile. I of course have to go home and change, because my dress would just be too risque for him. Plus, he might think that I had gotten the wrong idea like this was a date or something. He's not exactly the smartest cookie in the jar(I'll explain later) We are supposed to meet at this coffee shop by my house and I tell him 8:30. He, arrives before I even leave my house.I arrive at 8:31 and I walk in. The,band that I wanted to see(he was my excuse to go) had already started playing. I look around and I can't see his gawky face. At, 6 feet and however many inches he's really hard to miss. I'm just about to call him and I see him come in grinning. He was sitting in his car waiting for me to get there, because it would just be too tasking socially to go inside. I, order my usual a non fat caramel latte and get an extra shot, because I just knew it was going to be a taxing night. Taxing really just doesn't do it justice more like boring as hell and long. I pay, and walk over to him and he gives me a hug. This, is extremely awkward for me and it's so funny because, a year to that date I would have given anything to be hanging out with him. I sit down and notice he's looking at my chest and I'm like really Mr.Sexually Pure really? Thank, heavens the guy finished my latte. We, sat down and chatted a bit on the couch he decides to order an Italian soda, cookie and apple turnover. I suggest sitting outside, because last night really was gorgeous. As, we sit there and talk about anything and everything I wished I was there with anyone but him. I, really shouldn't be sitting here ranting about him he is actually a nice guy he's just dense and doesn't understand me. The, cherry on top of the night was him saying,"I guess she's like you, because she's not as pretty as her friends." He is of course referring to his younger sister. I, was like wow you are an ASSHOLE I of course didn't say this I just smiled and changed the subject. At, that moment I knew that would probably be the last time I would ever see him. This, is on my own accord. I, realized that I grew up and passed him by he was a cruel reminder of what never was. You, can't change people and he never would change his blinders never opened. His, constant image of me is that of the young, stupid, and naive 15 year old girl he met the middle of his senior year. To, me he would always be the boy that would never grow up no matter how old he was. I didn't even say good bye, I finally realized I had said,"Good bye" one hot september night as I clicked the end button on my cell. The, funny thing is I didn't realize how he kind of just faded away. I had finally gotten what I wanted just a little too late. Then, again that's life.
"Twisting and turning your feelings are burning you're breaking the girl she meant you no harm" -"Breaking the Girl" RHCP
Delegation of the nation to whom we've become The lady of the night in which blue on black hits you more or less over the head
As he insults your life and you hate him and the plastic is hard to remove and the feeling sets in as you look across his face
You went down the lane not across the street it doesn't do the job as we come to each other blood upon blood
which boils beneath the layer of hate and the rest lies hidden underneath the pretty layers starving for something more something less than the few other than his to contain
Your head to rather not be a foolish face which your mind concieves more often than not "Lover you should've come over" Ringing through your head
Knowing that you need to stop the spread of the disease and create a remedy to your sickness which began with a look from your eyes to his and I look to him and say, "Baby don't break her."
Not like you broke me but, knowing it's going to happen I watch and my words become null and void I realize as I look upon this situation it's you and me and I'm an outsider trying to save me from myself it's all in vain but then again that's the beauty of the situation one's own hell repeated over and over again
I wish I knew what to say but I don't. Everything remains the same but it changes and God give me a chance For you I'll change I wish I couldn't care I wish I could let you go but you are my champagne supernova "A dreamer dreams she never dies" and it dawns upon this dreamer that my dreams may die even if I don't and I'm sick of crying I don't want you to remember me this way remember me smiling laughing flirting anything but crying and screaming you deserve more my dear than my dramatics can allow more than anything you need someone who can separate themselves from their heart So passionately I love and still do love you yet here we go again another jaded lover gone again And at the end of this am I really surprised that this is how it ended? I fucked up and You remained you beautiful in all your misery I hope you can find a girl that isn't me I wore too much lipstick for you anyway We were never meant to be but it was pretty while it lasted And for me you'll never leave the imprint left upon me will never cease to be you tattooed your initials on my heart goodbye my rebel without a cause
"Are You Lightning"- By Nada Surf I love these lyrics I'm sorry I have to gush!!!
And so we meet and there are sparks, Its gold it's new and free from sharks, Your house is big it seems so clean, Your cleaning lady comes and we're discreet.
Are you lightning? 'Cause I'm waiting. What's the timing? I'm not playing.
And so I act like I'm 21, Wide eyed and drifting unto sun, Pay back is here my legs are numb, I'm back, it's square one feeling dumb.
The sweet things, When do they come? Have I gone deaf? What's the song? Are you lightning? 'Cause I'm waiting, This is frightening, I'm not playing.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh... Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep, I see you through the mirror You sing we're not to steal.
The only thing I'm scared of is the secret that you keep, I know where you are, I dunno where you are. Don't make the other wonder the others might sting, Tell me what you're thinking, Do not let me twist. Just look at the size of you.
I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep, I see you with something that's funny I hear you I almost weep
I see you from my steps, you're walking up my street, But just look at the size of you.
I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep, I see you from my steps you're walking up my street.
And just look at the size of you, The sun shine on and on... The sun shine on and on...
hard blue on her knees sobbing weeping like a mad woman her eyes they've become glazed with pain no longer the girl she used to be she's the woman she has become maybe by circumstance maybe by her own will I still wish I could have known her then without the screaming,the yelling, and the disappointment to see her eyes without the pain would be a miracle in itself I see her in the pictures with him and she radiates youth and beauty when he holds her and you know he was her everything and she was his the kind of love that you read about but never really know the one that goes down in the storybooks but if it's real then it must end in tragedy She gets that call and rushes to see him but, he's already gone I'll never forget the day she buried her heart with him I can still hear the train whispering in the spanish moss while she cried behind his raybans and kissed his casket one last time before they lowered him down I'll never forget watching her collapse after the burial that day it's something I would see quite often in the next few years nothing could remedy her heart for it lay next to his forever beating as one