Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Almost Famous


SIGH! Fab inspiration for the new year!
What a perfect 100th post long live Ms.Kate Hudson

Monday, December 28, 2009

Call me when you're sober

I give up
My hands I wipe clean
Of the mess before me
preaching doesn't help
Pleading makes it worse
You act as if I'm trying to crucify you
The one driving the nails
In that coffin you are so hell bent on getting
"Live fast die young"
That's your new motto
Let that be engraven upon your tombstone
Remember now
I'm not your girl friend
I'm not your babysitter
And I am sure as hell not your mother
So go take another hit
And watch me walk away
I'm glad my concern amuses you
you break my heart
Because I have to sit here and watch you go down in flames
Take a swig of jack
Now go light yourself on fire
You pressed the button for
Self destruction
But darling you could've called me....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The reigning quote of 2009

"What I need. me personally, is a loft in Europe and an adopted child and some good wine."-JF

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Monkey Rises

Hate will kill you
before death marks you off her list
to dive deeper into the hurt
never letting go
like 3eb
won't is the key word
the mirror is shattered
everyday a shard of glass is needed
to slice across a scar
it's opened frequently
sometimes hourly
because it just feels so good to hurt
clinging to the past
throwing away the opportunites the present brings about
self depracating to a fault
the way the hair winds around a finger
it goes round like a ferris wheel
representing life
the ups the downs
the highs are the downs
being happy is too easy
a fix is crazed
a bottle marked DRAMA
drink a little
twice a day EVERYDAY 
just like the doctor prescribed
oh looky here
how the mighty will fall
we've raised an entire generation of Hemingway's

Dedicated to Monkey

Sunday, December 6, 2009

SIGH

I hate this feeling
the phrase you fall in love with what you focus on
chokes me with tighly gloved hands
I clutch tightly to my little book
and for once running is a good thing 
too bad you know me well enough
that you see past my lying blue eyes
and another one bites the dust

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A cyclone of emotions, colors and partial thoughts



Moving forward in one thing
I fall flat on my ass in another
Last night underneath that sky
the cold air went straight to my lungs
and I felt alive
for once the coffee was too strong
by the time she finished her show
the lower half of my legs were numb
sitting in the backseat of the car
my song came on 
and this unoriginal claimed it as her's
NOOOOOO
I was about ready to put up and fight
when it comes to music I'm about as possesive
as I am about boys and style
"Style is innate NOT bought"
I remember being in 8th grade
 and this boy said to me,
" you just like it because no one else does and you have to be different."
I guess that's true
original to a fault
slightly narcassistic
I feel bad for those around me
they come into my reign of fire
and it's scary
like a robot bitch I'm ready to attack
writing this I think," Man I'm eccentric."
How sad is that?
the medication has worn off folks
I should stop......but I think I'm gonna go color the sky

Bacall and Kat....Remember when we ran the Ratpack?

LOCATION: The mansion on Rainbow Row, Charleston, SC
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: pain, pure joy
PUBLISHED: June 29, 2008
SONG: I'm Only Happy When it Rains -Garbage
Happy Fakers

Reveling in grief the way most do in joy
I can no longer remember purity of happiness
It was only an image from long ago
Does anyone wonder if really and truly
Were denying nature by seeking bliss
Some of the greats would never have been
If they had not been damned
They wrote their way through life
Of course picking up a few addictions or many along the way
But then again that is human nature to destroy itself and everything in its path
So we of course must destroy ourselves
Why preserve something that life is so fleeting
Why not wallow in it and be truly miserable in complete happiness
Maybe were the ones that are really happy
The ones with the hurt inside us
We can’t be filled with joy if we don’t know what it’s like to not be
that is the pure adoring irony of life
The people that are truly happy have hidden scars so deep they can never be filled
And the ones who’ve never been hurt
Well that’s either a facade or their world is about to crumble
That’s where I get my kicks from the Damned Hurt
Pure joy comes from pain

*Dedicated to Fifi

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Fall of Troy

Bloodshot eyes
I think I'm going to throw my blackberry in a river
"Underneath it all " just came on
and you know what?

Sj you were right
I want someone to want me
not a Barbiedoll

Hair never flowing straight
wearing my LBD's
I'm not goth I just like black

To be called baby
without being a sex kitten
My body will not be defiled by someone's lust

My shock justified
when you called
Until I realized
you are running

no femme fatale to sustain you
so you turn to the only thing that did before
I can no longer turn a blind eye

hearing your sins
burdens my heart
FIX HIM
my mind screams

but.....I can't
so instead I close my eyes
to remember the beginning of summer
two disasters only 17
chasing each other down the hall

Spoken words then
became  broken
because it was easier
to remain in her bed
and now its easier to blow smoke in my eyes
in an effort to blind me

but I see you in your mist
the lighthouse remains unseen
and the fog horn goes unheard
the running will cease

when your Converse give out
you'll find you
But for now I release you unto him
I can't fix a broken spirit

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Junkie

Memories are a poltergeist
Parking themselves
On a shelf
Until roused from sleep
It smells the same
They look the same
Can people change that little?
Yet be completely different
Track marks run down the arms
Hidden until visible again
Junkies never die
Masochistic tendencies
Come out and play
Take a hand
Let’s drown
And break noon tomorrow
Remember nothing in between
Just let the poison course through
It’ s the only remedy that will do
Forever damned
Better not back off that cliff
Walk on
Cause the pain will pull back
Addiction will take hold once more
junkies never die
we just hide

"And if you were with me tonight I'd sing to you just one more time A song for a heart so big God couldn't let it live"-Jimmy Eat World

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Addiction's Muse

" a thousand things we should have
done differently but all we are left with is what we did"-Cherry Crush


Chills the spine as it works
drugs to normalize the mind
Closes eyes
and sinks back
 to the halls of yesterday
blocking out the tomorrow of today
Hands grip the steering wheel
as they've done for the past four years
16 the magic number
now a kid of 20
"on the road"
 becomes this beatnik's manifesto
maybe it's just a passing phase
or maybe he will wander all his days
in the desert of his home town
forever claiming enlightenment
through the mundane
forget not though he is the "man in the box"

Sunday, November 1, 2009

No Regrets

LOCATION: Everywhere but the beach,Surfside/Myrtlebeach.Sc
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: friends, change, coffee
PUBLISHED: July 14, 2008
SONGS:Escape(the pina colada song)-Rupert Holmes

      This past week was incredibly memorable. My best friend and I as you all know"Fifi" went to the beach. I wouldn't travel with another person they would drive me insane hell, I'd drive them insane. I happen to be messy,but she is too so it's all good. This song reminds me of how much I trust her. We were watchng "TheSweetest Thing" and I decided to let her cut my hair. Yes, I know nothing climatic nobody died,but for me my hair is important. I'm sorry I'm vain my hair is important to me I'm 16 forgive ok? Anyway she cut my hair it looked fabulous everything was ok.
        This song is great for belting out off key at random moments. Maybe,someday we'll be like the girls in   "The Sweetest Thing" I'll still be a commitment phobic and she'll kick my ass into doing something about it. Until then I guess we'll just be drinking buddies (it's coffee guys don't get worried) haha.Not to mention our run ins with the mysterious door closing ghost. I swear something was there haha and screaming on the phone to her "Lover".
       How could I forget about our special version of scattergories.We would have stayed in bed all day if Grams hadn't of woken us up. Our motto"Sleep 23 hours a day and shop for one." In the end this was our recoup time so what if we only went on the beach twice.Fifi thanks for being my partner in crime these past 11 years hopefully we'll get that house on Rainbow Row someday.


***12 years and counting thank you for sticking with me through this hellish year you are a real pearl necklace my dear***

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Lies Remain Wrapped in a Pretty Blue Box


Breathe from the intricacy of life
Fire absorbs the skin
pause to be
while thunder pounds against the sky
Rain hot like summer
melts the face about the bend and glistens
as the soundtrack of the future
ran ahead leaving residue
powder like cocaine
yet benign in effect
smoke fills the air
blown from a withered hand
nails bitten down to the quick
knuckles cracked and bleeding
the bloodshot blue eyes close
and perfection appears
promising forever
but tomorrow remains alone

Monday, October 26, 2009

My oh My what a "Wicked Game" you played

 A continuation of  my  JB posts......RIP

LOCATION: Walmart,Steak&Shake , K-Town
YEAR: 2007
TAGS: bittersweet beginnings, &endings
PUBLISHED: June 16, 2009
SONG: Soul Kitchen -The Doors
    Whenever I hear the opening beat of this song I'm taken back to a time of first loves and yellow moons. I'm 15 and wearing my favorite blue and green striped halter top with my flowy white pants. The air is permeated with Coconut Lime Verbena and our sense of youthful hope. Fifi, and I were at dinner when we really she convinced you to come to the movies with us. You, whined that you were just too tired from football practice (two a day's anyone?).
   You came anyway arriving late, but that was your usual tendency. You were always late when you needed to be early and early when you needed to be late. Your baby blue eyes were hidden by your Ray Bans you and your wavy brown hair covered like always by Vernon the hat that will never die. You, sat between Fifi and I, because you could not stand Lorraine. The, movie was just another comedy of 2007 which that summer there seemed to be too many of. When, it was over we left Lorraine, because you were hungry and wanted food.
   I remember you sitting Indian style on the ground outside the pinnacle with your face in your hands. You, were pitiful but the picture was adorable. I, hate to say I don't have it now. The phone was destroyed that winter by my rage issues and a locker.
   There was only one place that was open in the little plaza and you of course wanted to go there, Steak and Shake. Whenever, I think Steak and Shake I think calories and fat grams, but you and Fifi wanted to go there. I, like most times just went along for the ride. You, drove like a bat out of hell and this song was playing in the background. Fifi, was sitting up front and I in the back, windows down rarely straight hair blowing in the wind. When, we arrive at steak and shake you guys order cokes. While I, just sit there with an air of disdain around me. All, of the sudden three guys come walking in one would be my first boyfriend and one would inspire me as a writer.
   After, what seems like an eternity of awkward conversation and staring at my chest. They, finally left," Oh shit," I say," What time is your mom picking us up?" (We're still just 15 here) "Soon, we have to go over to walmart she can meet us there." Fifi says with not a bit of panic in her voice. (I'm the spaz remember?) "Why can't she just pick you up here?" you ask with this sheepish look on your face. In which, she calmly replies"she won't believe we walked all the way over here Walmart is closer to the theatre." With, a deep breath and a sigh she says,"Plus, she would kill me for hanging out with you....you're 17 and a boy she thinks it's just me and Brigitte."
    "Well then, what in the fuckin hell are we still doing here? Let's go." You said while you lay down a ten to pay for the two drinks. You, never did get that burger that night. When, we got to walmart you guys decided to play hide and seek from me.I knew it was so you could be "alone" in which you did nothing but hold hand and at that time they fit. Even, if they wouldn't later on.I, finally decided to look for you guys and found you both in the music section,shocking really."Hurry." I say pannicking while walking hurridly to the otherside of walmart.We needed to show her mom that we actually needed to go to walmart. So, we got some whipped cream, candy corn, and 300.Saved, by my sweet tooth and Fifi's love of epic action flicks.
   Before the night ended I knew she was in love with you. Just,by the way she looked at you as you called her name on the way out.She too was looking for any excuse to stay. As,She turned around your arms are extended. She starts running towards you in a movie like fashion.You hug no squeeze her tightly almost as if you were trying to memorize the way she felt in your arms. I, tried not to look back, but I couldn't resist it was one of those moments time stood still for.
    As, I stepped out into the parking lot that night I'll never forget the way the air smelled. I had a strange feeling I would never be the same and I was right. In, those next few weeks I would fall in "love" for the first time. That, night however,would be the beginning of the end to my innocence.

*Note Fifi is J.M.M.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Day the Music Came Alive

The day the music came alive
LOCATION: Car/ Highway , Surfside

YEAR: 2006
TAGS: The summer of a thousand days
PUBLISHED: June 10, 2008
SONG: Buffalo Springfield

I'll never forget the first time I heard this song. I was on my way to the beach with my grams for memorial day weekend. It was the beginning of the summer going into my freshmen year. She had this random cd in the car so I put it in and began to search around for a song that I liked. I remember i stopped on this song. I became mesmirized by it I am not really sure why. Maybe, because it was a 60's protest song and I could relate in my own way. Maybe it was the fact that I would soon lose my innocence and naivety and always look back on this time fondly filled with both. I don't think it was that at all I think it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. As strange as that sounds this has and always will be the themesong in mylife. I think it's because it reminds me when everything was beautiful. Even so, that day will always be remembered as taking us 3 hours to get to our destination which was only a 1 and a half away. It took so long because Grams and I stopped at this seedy antique house. This was where I found my first 45's Bobby Darin and The Monkee's. I of course read bobby darin wrong and thought it said Bob Dylan. I remember being so excited then dissapointed when I got into the car and saw that it was not Dylan.When we finally arrived I was actually upset because the ride was over and if I have learned one thing in life it's that" It's in the journey not the destination." This of course would not become evident to me until a few years down the road. Looking back though, I realize that the ride was the best part and I guess that's how life is. Just like the quote said It's not exactly where you go it's how you get there. Problaby the hardest lesson I ever learned, but am ever so greatful for it.

Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one
man from another.

Ernest Hemingway

Midnight Hearts

Midnight Hearts

LOCATION: schoolroom , Knoxville
YEAR: 2007
TAGS: Like not love
PUBLISHED: September 22, 2008
SONG: Linger- The Cranberries

I was singing Zombie and couldn't get it out of my head one day in Algebra. Looking around I ask if anyone likes The Cranberries? He of course, replied, " I like "Linger". Everyone else too oblivious to life to even know who The Cranberries are/were. I was annoyed at first because I thought that it was a typical answer. I shrugged it off and filed it to the back of my mind under misc.information. Never, guessing that I would fall for him. Dylan the boy with curly brown hair and piercing gaze that rivels Jim Morrison's. As, I developed this crushI remembered this song and how he liked it. I wrote this poem for him a while back and yes, of course linger was playing in the background.
Take me in your arms
Holding me with your sweet embrace
Until we part for one reason or another
What is it that we must be unsatisfied with life?
Passion coursing through our veins
The want and need we hold for one another
Yet, we refrain
Those, glances from across the room
Forever burned into my memory
To be forgotten
As we lay down each other and pick up another
Both, wondering what would have been
If we had not been so afraid to fall
Pride held us back
Your words burned into me and still do
Reminiscing on the past I know I could have changed it all with a word
A single gesture toward you
Yet, I decided to remain coy
Now, I am left here to wonder what could have been
Idealizing my past mistakes with a sweet honesty
Which only a jaded heart could do
Someone who hurts but
is searching for that person
who completes them
Ignoring my own advice because I know
That nothing ever ends with happily ever after
Yet, I still end up wishing for one with you

Note: I didn't end up with this boy, but I'm not sad about it.

Numb No More

Numb No More

LOCATION: My life , knoxville
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: Breaking walls
PUBLISHED: June 9, 2008
Song: Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd

I cried today for no reason at all. Why I picked now of all times hell if I know. I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly in gut wrenching fall on the floor grief. I've numbed my emotions out for one reason or another. I'd thought I'd forgotten how to cry since I rarely do so. I usually have to be provoked. I'm so good at hiding the hurt that when that wall breaks down you forget how raw and emotional it is. I've probably cried less than ten times since my fathers death. I couldn't deal with the pain I can't even deal with it now. I would love to go take a xanax and sleep all day tomorrow ,but I can't. I have to go on the world does not stop for me to finally feel something real in six years. No, matter how hard I try to make time stop to hold on just for a second it doesn't. The sun will rise in a few hours no matter what I do and no matter how hard I cry.

I think that is why I stopped crying in the first place because, I knew that crying would not bring him back so why even bother with it. I always saw it as weak I would not be one of those "girls" the kind that cries in movies and at the end of books etc. No, I wanted to be the girl with the steel heart the one that doesn't have to feel a thing except occasional imitation happiness. I wanted everything numbed out and I did it. Unfortunately, for me my wall was made up of a weak foundation. One of course that could very easily break. It did today I think all traces of my wall are gone. I hate it. I miss the security of being numb. I want to be "Comfortably Numb" again it was so much easier than feeling. So, today I am the owner of a broken wall and an aching heart. I never thought this aching would return I did everything I could to bury it. I couldn't and now it hurts and I want to curl up and a ball and die, but I know that I can't because,"The end is just the beginning." That is the reason I know I must go on. I hope someday to rise above this and be truly happy. Then, again what is true happiness? I just hope being numb all the time wasn't better


Note: I'm beginning to think it was better everything hurts then again what is life? October 6

Remember

Remember

LOCATION: Hell on Earth , Knoxville
YEAR: 2002
TAGS: death, daddy, grief, music
PUBLISHED: June 3, 2008
Song:Simple Man-Lynyrd Skynyrd

    My father died six years ago to this very date June 3rd. It was a Monday and he and I were supposed to plant tomatoes in our little garden at home. Except my daddy never came home and that was the day my childhood died. He died at work on his break playing basketball he was 30yrs old. I'll never forget that morning when my meme woke me up and led me to the living room. My entire family was sitting around my mother who was seated on the couch. I knew something was wrong when I saw her tearstained face and blood shot eyes. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity until I demanded to know what was wrong. She then turned to me and said,"Daddy went to be with Jesus." With those six little words my world came crashing down upon me. I cried out,"Why?" over and over again.

That question has to this day never been answered so,I learned to stop asking. In all of this grief I became the adult and I couldn't deal with it. On the insideI wasdying and on the outside a bubbly child til I discovered my love for music. My father also had a great love for music which had been kept alive through me. I numbed out my pain with AC/DC,Jimmi,Janis,Pink Floyd,The Doors any amazing band that could just pierce their lyrics or beat into my soul was welcome. You name great bands of any era and I'm probably in love with them and not just the obvious bands please I'm deeper than that NOW. One thing has stayed the same though and that is my comfort music which is Lynyrd Skynyrd. You may call me a redneck if you would like to because,"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." I am who I am. This song describes my father through and through he was "Simple Man" though he was not raised to be so. He rebelled against it all and always remembered his roots rather his father's roots deep in the swamps of ElizabethTown, Nc. When I hear this song it always keeps me grounded and makes me remember who I am and who I came from.

That was my father a simple man who might be appalled at the fact that his daughter is a "Fashonista", even so I remember everthing when this song is on and the pain and the grief come rushing back to me I always remember him and all he stood for his spirit. Or rather his "wandering" one my meme always called it. She says,"That it is in me too." I forget sometimes with the humdrum of daily life,but am always pulled back to reality when this "Funeral March" as I like to call it comes on.When it all comes down to it I am and always will be his, daughter and a Southern girl and I'll be damned if I forget it.

Life's Playlist

Life's playlist

LOCATION: On top of a bronco overlooking the sunset , Canyon,Texas
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: everything in between
PUBLISHED: May 20, 2008
Song: Every Breath You Take- The Police

    This song is an amazing 80's classic but even more It's a great breakup song though slightly stalkerish when one listens to it at first but still great. This song brings to mind a question I heard awhile back that intrigued me. Rob: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. "Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music"? Rob makes a good point. By the way this quote was taken from the movie High fidelity in case anyone ever reads this and wants to watch it. Great film very pessimistic but very real at the same time(Late 90's classic). Still the question ensues does music make us depressed or are we depressed because we listened to it. Well my theory is that everyone out there has music that is waiting to be discoverd the kind that will change their lives.

When I talk about this most people think I am crazy but I am really not. I'm just willing to admit what others won't. The power of music I believe that music has the ability to make you realize what was there all along. Music can heal you whether it was sent from God or whatever you believe. I know for a fact I would not be here if it was not for my music because I had nothing left to believe in. Music is the drug that I use to tune everything out to live in denial.At the same time it's what saved me. I truly believe God sent me music to find him it was predestined in my journey to happen. It's impacted me in a way I'll never be able tofully understand.So to answer Rob's question I believe in both I believe in music making you miserable but I also believe in music's ability to heal the soul.

My challenge to you all is to go find your music the kind that can heal your soul or tear it to shreds or do both at the same time. Don't just sit around and listen to the repugnent music of our time that is on the billboards top 100. Instead search around learn who you are become the person you always wanted to be let the music be the inspiration. Let it course through your veins as your life's blood. Be warned all the same though music is a powerful thing and can be used for just about anything good or evil. Oh, and totally random song but I thought it was a beautiful 80's ballad so whatever.

Falling Back to Life

jb this amazing web site where you could put your thoughts to songs is closing its user accounts so I'm putting my favorite posts on here. This website was the starting place for my blog....it will be missed

Falling back to life
LOCATION: overlooking the lake , Florence,South Carolina
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: heartache, love, bittersweet
PUBLISHED: May 19, 2008
Song:Motorcycle Drive By-Third eye blind

She's free yet weighed down

She loves but she's never been in love

So naive yet jaded in a pretty way

The kind of girl you'd never guess likes to bleed for fun

Puts on a face everday just to hide the scars

Everything she is, is everything you never wanted to be

At the moment She's so alone yet so alive

She talks in circles never to be understood

She waits for Prince Charming

She's everything "They" hate

Who are "They"

Hell if I know

but this is my life

so come take a peek inside

my heart is bared for all

You'll never look because you don't really care

It's really okay because

"I knew that I could never have you,"

I remember that day with bittersweet tears of forgotten yesterdays

Still I love you in my own way

Well with what I know of love

which isn't much except heartache and obsession

If you ever read this dear boy know that everything you ever thought was wrong

So go back home

and please just leave me alone

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

sleep robs me of my nightmares

Fog swirls around
while the roses which encase me
remind me of death
my fear comes alive

dressed in black
heels intact
I feel his hand upon my back

while I march down the aisle
my family at my side
I had hoped that church
would not have another funeral
before my day
but it came to pass

she was a little girl at heart
her laughter rings in my ears
suddenly my head clears as Stewart says," we gather here today"
I'm in a time warp
remembering that mint green dress
he hated black

the tears fall down
they get brushed away
by my secret temptation
his hand remains in mine
as we stand beside
daddy's grave
she will be place right beside
I look at my shoes
and then up again

I open my eyes
not to the clear sky
but to the darkness of my room
I alone remain in my bed
reeling from my bittersweet nightmare

I can't imagine it either way
she is not gone
he will never again hold my hand
my will is stronger than my heart

my memories mixed with fears
cause my nightmares
death and heartache remain
a double edge sword to me
for happiness fades
by default leaving me to revel
in the pain

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Ms. BB and her Sockos




SOCKOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have mandals for men and sockos for the ladies.......Ms. BB was sporting these today j.crew argyle socks with chacos. This of course is in rebellion to the dress code at my school. You must wear closed toed shoes but the backs can be open. We are also supposed to wear "footies" with our flats. This makes them gag worthy so I don't bother anymore....SENIOR. I do however want to praise Ms.BB for her courageous fashion choice. Let's see how long she will remain unnoticed by admnistration. As, always folks remember "Damn the Man! Save the Empire" -"empire records"

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I have as many skeletons as shoes

Anger burns inside
while the older I grow
the easier it is to say goodbye
with each annoyance
my attachment lessens
tempting it is to keep on driving
past the exit
Instead I go to my park and swing
thinking about how different things turned out
as a little girl I imagined my life would be so grand
The reality is EXTRA ordinary
although there are nights
when the darkness wraps about me
on those nights I miss the beach
and relish the fact that I am alone
because alone
I am not held back
forced to face the demons
no arms to catch my fall
damning the "fomas" I was told as a child

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I always wanted to be Kat Stratford

Written Janaury 22, 2008

I can’t imagine what’s going through her head and heart
Since you left her here all alone except for that baby girl with those haunting eyes
I sit here and cry I’m weeping over you and I never even knew you
You made me realize my situation all the emotions that I've been hiding
From everyone I’m scratching at my cage trying to get out and I can’t
It’s killing me I killed my insides with my own actions
When I heard about you yesterday I just wanted to die
You were part of my world before he left
Pure and whole you were to me
Now you’ve abandoned me too
This must’ve been what it was like when the others left too so many years ago
Why go home?
Come be a muse be a lover be a poet be anything but dead
I can’t change the past not even the future it seems like
Fate is all there is to be
Why even move?
We move because if we don’t then we can’t be sedated much longer
Sedation being our ultimate goal in this life to the next
Just to stop the hurt
I guess that’s what you thought too

***Dedicated to Heath Ledger****

To be 15 again.....nah I'll live with my mistakes

Hours fading into your face
Ill never tell you what happened so many years ago
I see the circles forming under your eyes
Those hours I spent curled up in that chair next to you
Never saying a word
It reminds me of that time we spent in that orchard so many years ago
Indian summer fading into fall
Playing catch me if you can
With what was left of our youth
As night came to dawn
We walked out on each other
Except I never forgot you
I've always loved you and probably always will
I didn’t tell you about my predicament
My little mistake I had taken care of
Something I've regretted all this time
They say “Regret reminds you you’re alive”
Regret makes me want to die
I came back to my roots last night
I walked into this little dive
There you were behind the bar
A small town bartender is your plot in life now
Whatever happened to the young activist?
I loved and knew back then?
I realized then answered my own question in my head
He died the day I went off to find my dreams
I left him in small town hell
Years passed and when I finally came back
He was different he had changed
He grew up and settled for what he thought was a life
As I went back to my child hood home that night
I cried for him I cried for my mistakes of the past
Most of all I cried for every dream he ever lost
After that night I moved on never looking back
To the boy with beautiful eyes who died inside himself so many years ago
Realizing that we all grow up
We all move on
And most dreamers die before their dreams ever do

**Go easy on this poem I was just a sophomore**

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Getting Lost on I40

"And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black" Black- Pearl Jam

Black has the mourning
while the sun rises red
blood spilt in the night
becomes the dead
yet my friend things
appear different to the mind
than the soul
combatting one another
but it doesn't matter
in the end we all succumb to black
because we can't see past our sunshades
while music speaks louder than these words
for they are nonsensical to most
riddles in my head
under my skin
please try to guess
where it all begins
perhaps I've begun to hope
all the while knowing
the mourning will remain
draped in black
until the sun rises red

Saturday, September 26, 2009

1947

The wind on my skin
the words coursing through my veins
my heart heavy
I prefer to be alone
wanting to be a vagabond
that wish is not to be fulfilled
my life is planned out for me
even so
fear shakes me of the future
he will deteriorate
and death will consume him
my second father
may not walk me down the aisle
I blink away the rain coming from my eyes
I've known pain
and should be used to this
but I'm not
every time someone dies
or tells me that some day they're gonna go away
the knife is just as sharp
and the pain is renewed
the years I spent internalizing past events
taught me that you must cry
but not in front of others
always get it together
remember the memories you had
easier said than done
what will I do when he no longer knows me
He picked up the pieces
and now it's up to me
to go on
and I must
because yesterday is now today
the past becomes my future
and I walk down the same road
you did years ago
because the world spins
even if your heart ceases to exist

"Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else" - "One headlight" the wallflowers

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Last Goodbye

"Just hear this and then i'll go you gave me more to live for more than you'll ever know" - Jeff Buckley


Looking into your eyes the other night,I finally saw behind the mask. As cliche as it sounds I saw a lost boy.Who for so many years has been covering up his pain with variations of things.I think that is one of the reasons we got along so well yet clashed.We both for so long had been running to the nearest fix.For awhile we tried to be each other's but it didn't really work.

I wanted you to save me but you couldn't.Poor boy you couldn't even save yourself.I had been looking for so long for someone to fill that void in my life.I desperately wanted you to be it.You weren't it at all. Leaving me in the end a woman scorned.

Causing me this,past summer everytime I thought of you to be filled with anger.Which I held on tight and I don't really know why. Maybe I thought that if I was still angry at you in a way I held a piece of you.Sad,I know and I was almost to the point of letting go and then you contacted me. I thought "great now I will never let you go."

After all this time hearing your voice still made my heart beat faster.Making me miss you but in a nostolgic way kind of like thinking of my childhood.Yet,I realized that I had this anger that needed not to exist.Talking to you dissapated that.The anger now replaced with sympathy that maybe someday you will find what you've been looking for.I say this with a smile"I'm glad I wasn't it" because, without,you I am free.

So now,I let you go hopefully this will be my last post about you.Even,so I won't forget you because in my own twisted way once upon a time I did love you.Time marches on I've grown up and the love has been replaced.Yet,you my dear have stayed the same.
I wish you well and part with my heart intact. Good bye has never sounded so sweet.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Just push play- My top 5

1.Red Light Fever- Liz Phair
"Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
Drowning the thoughts of your life in the music"

2. I am Mine- Pearl Jam
"And the feeling, it gets left behind
All the innocence lost at one time
Significant, behind the eyes
There's no need to hide
We're safe tonight"

3. Holy Roller Novocaine- Kings of Leon (Disclaimer:I've like them since 2007 so yeah)
"I don't care if you're by yourself
Or you're all alone when you need my help
Keep that smile on your pretty face
Cause you don't have much I can't take away"

4. Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd
"How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears."- dedicated to G.D.G.

5. Fade Into You-Mazzy Star
"You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there"

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Rose Red

Etched in the stone
the end and the beginning
so soft and mallable
like delicate metal
pouring in
sheets sable
like that of the night
the wind whips about decay
on this hollowed ground
although all rots
the memory remains
souls wrapped about
in a beautiful purgatory
for past sins
a reminder for repentance
while the deceiving beauty smiles on

Friday, August 28, 2009

Betsey Johnson BarbieDoll


I'm ready to run again
Let's leave the past behind
A warning placed beside my heart
Caution I'm not the girl you want
Causing me to say you're not really for me anyway
But you know I don't really mean it
And I'm sure you know I'm better off alone
Do you realize my bluster
The facade I'm able to bring about
Everything created to please the eye
But really I just want to dance
No spin in circles hand in hand with you
Strawberry Wine the soundtrack
You hold me to while I sleep
No expectations assumed for something I can't give
Unfortunately my facade fades away
And gives way to reality
Which I realize that while reading between your lines
You've gone some place that I've lost your interest
This time around I'm not going to try to control you
with your wanton bedroom eyes
That girl grew up on a freezing night while she cried herself to sleep
Making it a lose lose situation
Damned if I do by the audience of my wannabe life
And damned by myself for pushing you away
Which is why you could never love me
I wish you could have been my"dare to be great situation"
Loving me the way I love:complete unabashed and never ending
But I can't be restrained
And I will never be your wildflower
But its ok I walk on alone
Eyes flashing fire alive
No man is ever worth your freedom
**Dedicated to every "would have, should have,could have"-SATC
"Sometimes when I think about you
Why you're always running away
Sitting in your car
Changing who you are
And drowning the thoughts of your life in the music"(Red Light Fever) Liz Phair

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I wish I was a time traveler's daughter

Sometimes I can hear your voice
And remember that last embrace
But I can't imagine your face
You so old now 38
Your hair fully gray
Those laugh lines permanent you knew you were supposed to die young
And I look for clues to give me proof that isn't there
But please don't ever doubt my faith
I would give anything to see you alive just one more time
Even though it meant knowing you would die
I wished you would haunt me
But you didn't
Your memory still the same
People forget the dead never change
Unfortunately I have
I'm a mess of a girl
That pushes people away
No one can handle me and few try
No one can love all the scars or heal the hurt
I am numb
Which is why
Lately you've been pushed in the back of my mind where I wish you would stay
But like me you won't listen
Making me wish the impossible
And reliving your death again and again and again in my head
You were so real and I feel like a doll on display
Yet I still look for clues
That maybe just maybe you're back
I wish someone would tell my heart the truth
But it tells a story of it's own
Mostly saying I'm sorry
I'm not more like you
Fearless and defiant
I happen to be afraid of everything
Most of all to let go of the past
Because everytime I go
Where you lay
I become that little girl again
the past always remembers
I would know I tried in vain to forget
Tears shed as I walk away
Spanish moss blowing in the wind
the only sound is of my whisper of a goodbye
Till next time daddy
And I drive away swearing I could hear your laughter
Then again what do I know
I'm 17 and crazy

Monday, August 10, 2009

Thank God for eye cream my dark circles will be murder

the past can never be undone
Some relish in that fact
they are preserved somewhere in time
Forever young
While the rest of us
wake up
With hurt that remains as a reminder of what could have been
Taking months to lessen
But we never forget it
Making us bitter enough to let our last experience ruin a new one
It should never be like that
But the memories so cringe worthy
Do not become forget me nots like the sweet nothings whispered on the wind of deceit
Because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Making her a shell of who she used to be the anger becomes her
And she inturn loves the anger
Like she loved him
Because love and hate are never far apart

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The second installment of my funny rambling passed off as prose...enjoy

I drove to the city we both know well
Looking for answers to all my questions
But the "band was playing too slow"
And after all this time
I will bury you with the rest of my would be mistakes
Leaving me to wonder what I did wrong
Is it the same as always?
The fact that I will never be enough let alone for myself
Leaving everyone else out of the question
The respect is gone if it ever was there
I'm the girl who never has fit in
That scares people on a daily basis
"The things that come out of her pretty little mouth"
These past few years that has often been said by one disbeliever or another
I have never been the desired girl
Always second best you couldn't have her so you were with me
I've never worn knockoffs
I don't know why I allow myself to be treated like one
Maybe it's because I keep hoping one day you will wake up and realize that there is no one else like me
BUT
Please don't lust after me
I've been down that road
It was never as I imagined it
Being a vixen is lonely
I just want to be cherished
Like my favorite pearl bracelet
My jewelry has lasted
longer than any man
So why would I want any different for myself
Some how what I want and what my reality has been is quite different
"I should" have becoming a key phrase in my vocabulary
I sit here and I look back on my short but long 17 years and I think,"whatever happened to that kick ass girl who didn't take anyones lip"?
Raising my hand like the silly school girl I am
I know the answer because
it's always the same
She fell in love with love

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The dance

Falling back into the same patterns
Craving the arms wrapped about
Waiting by the phone
Promises never kept
Tears are wept by one or the other
Yet I come back
Sometimes running as soon as the last fix wore off
Hearing the song that I cried for so many hours listening
For some things are better left to mystery and you are one of them
Because in the end I'm always left alone
Standing there placing the needle back again
So my record can repeat
In order for me to dance blindly
Into everything I thought I wanted
but leaves me crying beside that same record player
Because I will never be enough
And my expectations lowered now
Will not be met
Yet I dance this dance again

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Lightning sparks create a fire on the water

Sand against skin
Water in eyes
Sliding down the cheeks
Being furiously wiped away
A sign of weakness to the grey man
Stand tall be strong remember
Who you are
But who he is was never what he wanted to be
Anything but
The ordinary
Sunrise blinding
As the old trucks careens down
A road
Without direction
In search for who he is
The answer isn't hidden
But is evident in the twinkle
Of his eye
Which is
The whirlwind of a storm on the rise
Take that as you will
But he's gonna ride on still

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

If only

I'm more likeable in my writing than in real life.........I'm a little hard to take in person.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Coming of age the passing of time and I'm sorry folks this really isn't poetry just my strange prose

It's night like these with the breeze in my hair
a tiny bit sunburned
that I hope I remember

It's as if the older I get the younger I feel
going back to the park
back to those nights
when I had fallen "in love"
for the first time

when everthing was beautiful and nothing hurt
I remember dancing barefoot under the moon
feeling like a flower child from days gone

In a dress that still hangs in my closet
it hangs there like a memory lost in time
it's almost as if the memories would be disturbed
if I wore it again

the moon last night was yellow
and the boy that I had a crush on long ago
in his Raybans and ever present camo hat
came to my mind
He's lost now
I think his spirit died
on a late summer night when he realized
she would never be his again

Proving that "time doesn't erase people"
"People erase people"
which we do they hurt us and we eradicate them from our lives
leaving me to wonder if the pain would have been worth it
If any of them had stayed

Living in the past with my regrets
I'm trying to forget
but you can't erase these things from your mind
with the sunrise this morning
I realized that I have to put them away
in a little file in my mind
but my heart still gapes open
remembering all that I had
all that I have lost

the silence deafened me
as I tried to fall alseep at daybreak
because I realized I couldn't run anymore
which to me is moving on

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hmm......

The sheep who are the sheep? I really don't want to be part of the herd gotta love drive me crazy

Monday, June 29, 2009

the 500 club....I miss Sinatra

I found the monster inside myself
the trust is gone
I became this thing wholly consumed
ignoring my head just to fill the whole
and sometimes even if it feels right
you know it's wrong
The silence I want to embrace
Dive deep into my thoughts
I've found what I've been looking for
being wanted for my kisses isn't it
Being raw and real
going from the from the ground up
I know that I will grow old
I want my life to be something more than this
but I'm afraid of being alone
when I wake up and the sun is shining through my blinds
hitting my face pulling the covers to hide
my body curled up in a ball
17 and crazy
with that I fall back asleep
inevitably dreaming about my battlescars
everything comes back at night

Friday, June 26, 2009

blitz&glitz

I heart James dean wannabes
Black with jeans on any given day
The thunder of the night air on my skin
Give me blue on black
And please spare me the looks
Everyone really just wants to freefall and dance

Sunday, June 21, 2009

"NO SALE"

He still can taste the salt on the wind
as he remembers her form draped in white
In the early morning light

She was so beautiful
but she was a disaster
the scars on her body
were part of her charm
each one had a story to tell

Her laugh was filled with remorse
as he took her hand
fingernails painted red
led her up the winding staircase
to the room with a view

They both knew it well
because, through the years
time after time
they're paths would cross
again and again

Forcing each to become a comfort to the other
they grew dependent on one another over the years
she more than he
but then again is that not always
the way it seems to be

She didn't take up with another
the last time they parted ways
and when he called her this time
she really wasn't the same

She dwelled upon
the fact that each time
with the same lingering "I love yous"
in the air
he still would be gone by the 4th day
the note always the same
"stay as long as you like had to catch a flight to......"
London, Paris,Milan,Venice
each time different each more exotic than the next

Places she only dreamed of
but had never been
He was always running away from something
she was just there by default
to comfort him
when he called upon her
in her village by the sea

That final morning he left
she awoke knowing she'd be alone
shaking the sleep from her eyes
she knew she would never be enough

With that she arose
a white sheet wrapped about her
went down to the cliff overlooking the shore
She thought of suicide from time to time
instead she decided to take a cue from him and leave
with just a note
except she wouldn't be coming back

Which he only realized this after
her cellphone number changed
her apartment sold
and she was gone

The white sheet on the floor
note written in lipstick on the mirror
she always knew how to make a dramatic exit

the windows left open
as he put the sheet to his face breathing in her perfume
he could still taste the salt on the wind
remembering everything as it had been

Friday, June 12, 2009

Wouldn't you love to know what I'm actually thinking when I write this stuff?

Recently a new and shocking trend arising among young male adults has caught my attention. It is the
ATTACK OF THE MANDALS



This, most commonly seen in older men......usually past the age of bladder control. Yet, boys in what seems like the spirit of Chase Hammond. One, of my personal favorite rebels without a cause.Hello the movie Drive Me Crazy people. (Late 90's classic) Not caring what other people thought he did, said,and wore what he wanted. He would be the Marlboro man of the mandal generation.Yes, my friends mandals may be a fashion faux pas to some, but what you should see is the man behind the mandals. He, is the kind of guy other guys secretly want to be but would never say. The, kind of guy all girls want to be with, yet most don't have the guts. That man could be the person that changes our generation as we know it. Non-conformity becoming the death of our plastic society. One, can only dream of such a day. Now, my friends lets raise our coffee cups to the Mandal Man.

"She's the kinda girl that will call you on your bullshit. She isn't afraid to dance and she offers to pay. She doesn't decide before a date whether or not she's gonna kiss you; she's not earnest, yet she's not completely ironic either...She orders dessert and she can be ready in ten minutes."-Chase Hammond

Dedicated to L.H&J.M.M

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Top 5 songs of the moment

1. You'd Rather Run- Jaymay "And you can forget it, I get itI just don't let it get to me I regret to inform I do not fret or mourn the way things used to be It's all in the past now, it's all gone."

2. There is a light that never goes out- Morrissey
"Take me out tonight because I want to see people and I want to see life"

3. Tiny Vessels- Death Cab For Cutie
"So when you ask "Is something wrong?"I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."

4. Ride On-AC/DC "Try to get back to the start and it's another red light nightmare another red light street and I ain't too old to hurry cause I ain't too old to die But I sure am hard to beat"

5. Quiet - Smashing Pumpkins "We mutilate the meanings so they're easy to deny"

Spike-"Death is on your heels, baby. And sooner or later, it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it. Not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it."- Buffy the vampire slayer Hahahahaha (that's for Fifi)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Cool Breeze


Today, it's been seven years since you died. I still miss you everday. Yes, I should be done grieving and for the most part I am, but the pain never fully goes away. I know that and I can't even begin to imagine what life would be with you. Do you remember that day at the beach when I was six? We were at Oak Island on our annual beach week. I, loved that week it was so bittersweet,because it meant the end of summer and seeing grandma and Lizzy.
Just, so you know she held my hand the entire time at the funeral. She regrets everything she said that week before you died. She, never stopped loving you Daddy I hope you died knowing that. She, has two twin boys Alex and Eric. Alex looks just like you it's kind of funny he has our eyes.
Mom remarried and has a beautiful boy who is three and half named Cypress. I know you loved that name. I wish you were here to guide me,answer my questions there are so many things I don't understand. I, feel as if I'm running against a ghost. I hope I can do everything that you never had the chance to do. Most of all everyday I miss you.
" I Ain't too young to admit it and I'm not too old to lie I'm just another empty head.That's why I'm lonely.I'm so lonely,but I know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna ride on-Ride on."

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Milkshakes in Denial land


Adelaide
her eyes green
china like skin
hair flowing red
but her face
is what stops the world in motion
yet she surprises you
with blood stained hands
so unexpected in her flowing white gown
you would never see the knife
behind her back
she awaits him on the rock
in purgatory
her beauty still intact
death had consumed her long before
When he finally heard her call
he became mesmerized by the pain
they say misery loves company
and that's all he really wanted
he swims out to her
and climbs upon her rock
He kisses her lips cherry red
as he notices the tears
streaming down her face
he cups her face and says,"My love I'm here now forgive my former self"
With a flash in her eyes she says,
"I'm sorry this doesn't mean that I never loved you"
with the efficiency of a seasoned hunter
she makes a cut through and through
he reaches for her as he falls back
she turns from him
and crumples to the ground in a heap of stained satin
she sold her soul
to fulfill her deepest desire
Self destruction in life and death
by killing the one thing she had wanted most
love

Saturday, May 30, 2009

CupKakes

In her mind
she remembers who she used to be
Vaguely before the self loathing set in
Before the selling began
It all came down
To one breathy word
Four damning letters
That she sold her body
To him for
Really anyone that can offer
To her what she is missing
To fill up the gaping hole
That the scars, hunger pains,and self medicating never will
This to be the last attempt
At some kind of normalcy
Or so she thought
Until she woke up alone
With a note beside her
Saying,” I’m sorry I can’t.”
While not blinking an eye
She gets up and lights a cigarette
Goes into the cabinet and pulls
Out the only thing that daddy ever left her
That could have saved her
And she finishes her cigarette
The neighbors heard the shot
But no one cares about the wannabe Mrs. Robinson upstairs
Not even her mama came they burned her
And her only friend spread her ashes over his grave
Finally she was at peace just as she had been fifteen years before

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

RTOM09

I left none to the imagination I guess this is what I get.
I'm glad I finally stopped lying to myself

**I'm not even going to quote a song look this one up instead "ache" by Jawbreaker

Monday, May 18, 2009

Lets pretend you understood

life was easier
when nothing was to be experienced
and pain was written as a story
something to be looked at from the outside

It went a little like this
The prince always got his girl
the day was saved
and the dragon slayed
and the end they truly lived happily ever after

but what happens when there is no prince
The princess digs bad boys
the dragon can't be slayed
and happily ever after doesn't exist ?

those are the moments
when you finally realize
"all that glitters is not gold"
I just wish I had realized
this sooner
I would have appreciated
your suffering alot more

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The key was a little black dress and pumps nothing more nothing less

Oh! I cherish the thought
of sidewalk chalk
and riding in the backseat
while my role model
was chain smoking in the front

As glamorous as the heroin chic models
of those late 90's days
I remember wearing her heels
when she was just seventeen

looking at the stars
with her friends
the smell of cheap beer
and even cheaper whiskey
mixed with cigarette smoke
That was the perfume I'll never forget

Now I'm seventeen and smoking
is considered passe
and I can't drink to save my life
I still look at the stars

Though I can't help but feel alone
with concrete as my pillow
I want to go lay in the road
but I'm not ready to die
before I have really lived

The heels I wear now
are my tools of seduction
for the sake of my own soul

Understanding sets in to why she cried
when he died
Why she dove into the bleakest point
of her life
because whether
she believed it or not
she loved him
and he thought he was invincible
but really he was just a boy
tumbling down from a heady high

denial became her thing
and it still is
I laugh because
the same blood runs
through my veins
It's quite obvious
I too avoid reality

Proving we are alike
in ways known and unknown
Relishing the fact
that the past holds the future

***Dedicated to Lizzy***

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Moonlight Drive

"It's our turn to try
Parked beside the ocean
On our moonlight drive"-"Moonlight drive" (The Doors)

Monday, May 11, 2009

Florence

"But I will rise and I will return the Phoenix from the flame. I have learned I will rise and you'll see me return being what I am. There is no other Troy for me to burn." "Troy"- Sinead O' Connor

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Dig this

"I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane." -Ray Bradbury Farenheit 451

"People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."-Rebecca West

"I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's."-William Blake

"It is neccessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."-Alexander Dumas

Friday, May 8, 2009

Skeleton key

I wish I was something more than what I am
Ridiculed and damned
by everything around
the intelligence once possessed
now
gone
with a damn

I stare at the vinyl imitation of perceived society
praying that it ends soon
tick tock tick tock my head wants
to explode
it of course does
not

Idiotic comments
spew forth from me
and I'm amazed at
the lack of understanding
from these former beatnik minds
that something could spark the remembrance
of what used to be

These people who have no regrets
are just lying to themselves
The regrets of mine are just more surfaced
than yours
someday you'll look back and see
that I really wasn't that crazy
but you my dears are blind

Sunday, May 3, 2009

This is NOT the sound of Settling


You know what I want? I want someone to be so madly in love with me that every song he hears reminds him of me. He, thinks I'm the most amazing thing in this world. He will love every quirk of mine. He will love sunrises not sunsets. He will never expect me to give more of myself than I can. He will understand that my heart has been broken before, because I've gotten attached too quickly.
He will understand why I still grieve over my father's death. Why I love coffee and how no matter who I've watched Casablanca with it can't be ruined for me. He is polite and opens the door for me always. He will not drink excessively or do drugs. We will be so different that it works. Fighting with me will be one of his favorite things to do. I want to frustrate him so much that he just has to kiss me. He doesn't have to understand my poetry but he does have to understand me. He must never expect me to change.
He has to like my hair better curly than straight. He will always love me in dresses and never expect to see me in a mini skirt. He will ask my permission to kiss me and will make me believe in marriage. He will surprise me with the little things he does. He will hold me all night if I need it and let me cry and he literally will wipe away my tears. He will respect me but challenge me in every way. He will always remember that I like gold better than silver. Pearls better than diamonds. He will like to stay up late at night but will understand why I take naps in the afternoon. He will be able to handle me and he will always be able to keep up with me. He will be my "Wonderwall".

Saturday, May 2, 2009

A spark of sane reality during 4th period

Depression sets in
as she leans forward
looking
for anything to remain sane
clinging by her bare hands
her face wholly consumed
by GRIEF
you look past it and see
her mind completely blank
the stares
comments received
with an air of distaste
realizing that saying goodbye
is letting go piece by piece
as she realizes
she never held him in the first place
Now it really doesn't matter
she let him think he mattered more than
he did
The battle ended in a draw
how can they both be right
when in time
to each others mind they are both wrong
What is right?
Truth is right
but the interpretation of truth
that is yours according to her is wrong
then again she dismisses her case
with proving her point

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Thought of the day

I want to be the girl you point to and say "that's her"

Monday, April 27, 2009

C'est la vie

Last night, I had coffee with the guy who had my complete and utter devotion last year. I was bored out of my mind and had made the plans on Monday. I cancelled on him, because I had to go to an early birthday dinner for myself. Well, that was yet another family dinner from hell and I just could not go home on a Saturday night and wallow. No, I had to get out for awhile. I of course have to go home and change, because my dress would just be too risque for him. Plus, he might think that I had gotten the wrong idea like this was a date or something. He's not exactly the smartest cookie in the jar(I'll explain later) We are supposed to meet at this coffee shop by my house and I tell him 8:30.
He, arrives before I even leave my house.I arrive at 8:31 and I walk in. The,band that I wanted to see(he was my excuse to go) had already started playing. I look around and I can't see his gawky face. At, 6 feet and however many inches he's really hard to miss. I'm just about to call him and I see him come in grinning. He was sitting in his car waiting for me to get there, because it would just be too tasking socially to go inside. I, order my usual a non fat caramel latte and get an extra shot, because I just knew it was going to be a taxing night. Taxing really just doesn't do it justice more like boring as hell and long.
I pay, and walk over to him and he gives me a hug. This, is extremely awkward for me and it's so funny because, a year to that date I would have given anything to be hanging out with him. I sit down and notice he's looking at my chest and I'm like really Mr.Sexually Pure really? Thank, heavens the guy finished my latte. We, sat down and chatted a bit on the couch he decides to order an Italian soda, cookie and apple turnover. I suggest sitting outside, because last night really was gorgeous. As, we sit there and talk about anything and everything I wished I was there with anyone but him. I, really shouldn't be sitting here ranting about him he is actually a nice guy he's just dense and doesn't understand me.
The, cherry on top of the night was him saying,"I guess she's like you, because she's not as pretty as her friends." He is of course referring to his younger sister. I, was like wow you are an ASSHOLE I of course didn't say this I just smiled and changed the subject.
At, that moment I knew that would probably be the last time I would ever see him. This, is on my own accord. I, realized that I grew up and passed him by he was a cruel reminder of what never was. You, can't change people and he never would change his blinders never opened. His, constant image of me is that of the young, stupid, and naive 15 year old girl he met the middle of his senior year. To, me he would always be the boy that would never grow up no matter how old he was. I didn't even say good bye, I finally realized I had said,"Good bye" one hot september night as I clicked the end button on my cell. The, funny thing is I didn't realize how he kind of just faded away. I had finally gotten what I wanted just a little too late. Then, again that's life.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Quote of the day

"He's not like coffee he's like water he goes through everyone and kills you if you consume too much" JMM

Someday you'll be someone's classic 36

"Twisting and turning your feelings are burning you're breaking the girl she meant you no harm"
-"Breaking the Girl" RHCP

Delegation of the nation
to whom we've become
The lady of the night
in which blue on black
hits you more or less
over the head

As he insults your life
and you hate him
and the plastic is hard
to remove
and the feeling sets in
as you look across
his face

You went down the lane
not across the street
it doesn't do the job
as we come to each other
blood upon blood

which boils
beneath the layer of hate
and the rest lies hidden
underneath the pretty layers
starving for something more
something less than
the few
other than his
to contain

Your head to rather
not be a foolish face
which your mind concieves
more often than not
"Lover you should've come over"
Ringing through your head

Knowing that you need to stop
the spread of the disease
and create a remedy
to your sickness
which began with a look
from your eyes to his
and I look to him
and say, "Baby don't break her."

Not like you broke me
but, knowing it's going to happen
I watch
and my words become null and void
I realize as I look upon this situation
it's you and me
and I'm an outsider
trying to save me from myself
it's all in vain
but then again that's the beauty
of the situation
one's own hell
repeated over and over again

Monday, April 20, 2009

The day James Dean walked away


I wish I knew what to say but I don't.
Everything remains the same
but it changes
and God give me a chance
For you I'll change
I wish I couldn't care
I wish I could let you go
but you are my champagne supernova
"A dreamer dreams she never dies"
and it dawns upon this dreamer that
my dreams may die
even if I don't
and I'm sick of crying
I don't want you to remember me
this way remember me
smiling laughing flirting
anything but crying and screaming
you deserve more my dear
than my dramatics can allow
more than anything you
need someone who can separate themselves
from their heart
So passionately I love and still do love you
yet here we go again another jaded lover
gone again
And at the end of this
am I really surprised that this
is how it ended?
I fucked up
and You remained you
beautiful in all your misery
I hope you can find a girl
that isn't me
I wore too much lipstick
for you anyway
We were never meant to be but it was
pretty while it lasted
And for me you'll never leave
the imprint left upon me
will never cease to be
you tattooed your initials on my heart
goodbye my rebel without a cause

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Crawford's Wine

"Are You Lightning"- By Nada Surf
I love these lyrics I'm sorry I have to gush!!!

And so we meet and there are sparks,
Its gold it's new and free from sharks,
Your house is big it seems so clean,
Your cleaning lady comes and we're discreet.

Are you lightning?
'Cause I'm waiting.
What's the timing?
I'm not playing.

And so I act like I'm 21,
Wide eyed and drifting unto sun,
Pay back is here my legs are numb,
I'm back, it's square one feeling dumb.

The sweet things,
When do they come?
Have I gone deaf?
What's the song?
Are you lightning?
'Cause I'm waiting,
This is frightening,
I'm not playing.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...

I see you in my sheets,
I see you in my sleep,
I see you through the mirror
You sing we're not to steal.

The only thing I'm scared of is the secret that you keep,
I know where you are, I dunno where you are.
Don't make the other wonder the others might sting,
Tell me what you're thinking,
Do not let me twist.
Just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets,
I see you in my sleep,
I see you with something that's funny
I hear you I almost weep

I see you from my steps,
you're walking up my street,
But just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep,
I see you from my steps you're walking up my street.

And just look at the size of you,
The sun shine on and on...
The sun shine on and on...

Monday, April 13, 2009

L.H.G.&G.D.G

hard blue
on her knees sobbing weeping
like a mad woman
her eyes
they've become glazed with pain
no longer the girl she used to be
she's the woman she has become
maybe by circumstance
maybe by her own will
I still wish I could have
known her then
without the screaming,the yelling, and the disappointment
to see her eyes without the pain
would be a miracle in itself
I see her in the pictures with him
and she radiates youth and beauty
when he holds her
and you know
he was her everything
and she was his
the kind of love that you read about
but never really know
the one that goes down in the storybooks
but if it's real then it must end in tragedy
She gets that call
and rushes to see him
but, he's already gone
I'll never forget the day
she buried her heart with him
I can still hear the train
whispering in the spanish moss
while she cried behind his raybans
and kissed his casket one last time
before they lowered him down
I'll never forget watching her collapse
after the burial that day
it's something I would see
quite often in the next few years
nothing could remedy her heart
for it lay next to his
forever beating as one

Top 5 songs of the moment

1. I Need All the Friends I Can Get-Camera Obscura "You can't see that you're just the same as all the stupid people who you hate."

2. Cannonball- The Breeders "I'll be your whatever you want."

3. Why Can't I- Liz Phair (Yes completely cheesy I know.) "It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?"

4. 405- Death Cab For Cutie "You keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew."

5. Rescued-Jack's Mannequin "Static to the sound of you and I undone for the last time."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The girl with the pearls stands on the corner underneath the neon lights and she cries

I miss him
and the more I sit here
I think about the last time I saw him

and I smile
When I remember that it was raining that night

I think of that phrase," It was beautiful and nothing hurt."
So many things in life that cannot be said of
but this whatever it is
for now that can be said


People will say," oh, here we go again."
I can't help, but plea with them

that it is different this time
For he is the only one to understand
They dismiss THIS

and him with a wave of their hands

I can't help but feeling out of control
with everything that happens

yet I wouldn't trade a moment
of it all in fact if anything
I'd ask for more
and maybe just maybe
he can be my sunrise