Monday, December 29, 2008

Moleskine Notebooks upon random musings

     Moleskine notebooks......SIGH! I love them almost as much as I love pearls with my Jimi Hendrix t- shirt. I have one which I call my LBOT or little black book of thoughts. It's a bit battered, but then, again so am I. We, get along quite well I paste it back together and it provides me with a safe outlet. Anyway, back to why I was originally blogging my new moleskine planner. It is one of my new favorite things. My, life is always out of control, so when I buy a new one I feel as if my life will finally get organized. Haha, not going to happen, but that is okay he loves me even if," I'm like a tornado every time I walk in the door everything becomes unhinged." I kind of enjoy my crazy tendencies as does everyone around me...well one can hope. For, now I leave you people to watch Rumor Has It. Fabulous movie watch it if you can.
Words to Live by:
Beau Burroughs: Life has to be a little nuts sometimes. Otherwise it's just a bunch of Thursdays strung together.

I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to. - Sarah

Drink up all you future Mrs. Robinsons!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Fast times at wishing high

He's gone now to a place far away. Where all his troubles disappeared as he drove that silver bullet onto the highway. He was never happy here all those nights she remembered with blank stares into the air above her head. A dreamer, a lover, a boy that could never be understood. Looking back she recalled that he was shallow, self centered, and rude." Rude, hmm maybe that was taking it a bit to far." she mused in her head.

She was sitting on the sidewalk of the biggest chained coffeehouse in America. The kind that shut down atmospheric ones like the Bard.The lacking of atmosphere was present and persistent.Not that it was completely devoid of it either, but it tried too hard. She was brought back down to reality when she thought back to that night in March in the parking lot. It was freezing and she was in a come hither dress and heels. Great for getting the guy awful for hanging out in a parking lot. That, would mark the last time they hung out as a group altogether. They, were missing Monkey, but he hated her for reason known and unknown. Which helped in their encouragement for her to go to a super sweet sixteen wannabe bash.

She had been called,"jailbait" for the first time that night by a boy with more piercings than she had ever seen. He cursed like a sailor which only drew her to him like a moth to a flame. Longing to be held in his embrace. The phrase," looking for love in all the wrong places" should have been tattooed on her forehead. This, boy was a stereotypical "bad boy" right down to the strategically ripped jeans and converse. She had to be home by curfew so she couldn't go downtown to a "bar" (that was really a club) with him. Afterall, she was only 15 and couldn't pass for 18 to save her life. She knew that she could have tried but she didn't.

One of her regrets in life would not be taking enough chances. She, would always be the girl with a great big personality that was stuck to the wall. She was raptured out of her thoughts,when a blue eyed boy came and put his arms around her saying," hey baby." With an end put to her musing, she got up went inside ordered her usual. Hoping today would be the day she put an end to her regrets.

Saturday, December 27, 2008


Words no longer free fall into my head my thoughts are consumed with you. I write like I'm dying without you right beside me. Honestly that is what I feel like. "You're everything I thought that I never wanted."You said that to me the other night as you pulled me closer to your chest. I feel the exact same way. Later on as you held me you said," I never want this to end." For you to say that was a big deal. You completely caught me off guard taking my breath away just like you do when you kiss me. The term " weak in the knees" describes the way I feel when you kiss me. You love me unabashedly in every way. You've held through the thick and thin.You make me feel beautiful on my worst day.I'm sure the way that I am describing my feelings and thoughts make some sick. I completely understand a year ago today I was miserable and would not recognize the person that I have become. I would never have thought that I would be happy but I am. I became happy by breaking all my rules or rather letting him break them for me. I stopped listening to people. The majority rule became one and that one was and is me. That is my best advice to just let go and learn what love is.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Black Widow

The train encircling all around
I get older every year but
This remains the same
The solace of this place
Echoes in my ears

the final resting place of my dearly loved
I am en shadowed in black lace
Remaining here with the Spanish moss of yesteryear
The two things that remain the same

The silent stone and the hanging moss
So intricately and delicately
it exists to be
never will they cease

Long after I am gone
and become part of all that
is left of my dearly loved

Hand on bone
Ashes and ashes we become
changing, changing
to nothing
none but dust

until upon one midsummer's night
a young widow
walks across my stone

to lay with her love under the moonlight and Spanish moss
my resting place soaking in her tears
history seen repeating itself in beautiful misery

Monday, December 8, 2008


I hate the rawness you bring out in me
The utter humility I feel
bring me down to my knees
pride gone out the window
My heart beats faster than ever right now
it's 7 and you're not picking up
so I go away
screaming on the inside
I'm fragile don't mess with me
I write just how I speak
My entire world revolves around you
My little boy blue
and I hate it
I say that not meaning a word
as the tears start to form
All I need is to hear your voice
assure me it's going to be ok
holding me whispering into my ear
everything I've always wanted to hear
for the first time I believe it all
Then I look up at you and think," I love this boy"
I hang my head in silence for letting myself feel this way
and then look up again and I see myself in your eyes
I'm perfect and I don't understand
then again when you're sixteen
that is kind of the norm
Still I smell your cologne the next morning
remembering just the way you held me
softly saying on the wind till next time my love

You want to know what makes me love you more than I loved him? It's because when he got me I was perfectly unused, I was fearless and a hopeless romantic. When you got me I was battered and bruised, afraid of the world, and cynical about love ... yet you didn't leave.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Things I'll never say

What to expect one never knows
As I stare into those dark stars
I’m about to go for it all and take no prisoners
Running as fast as I can just to get away from it all
It? What is it? And who are they?
The mysterious force everyone refers to
Fighting back is what I do best
Watch me run away
I might come back tonight
Then again I might never
Why would you care
I ask as I bat my lashes
Begging you with my eyes to come with me
You don’t and that’s ok
Then again it’s really not
I’ll never say that
Years pass by
She’ll become your wife
One day I’ll come blowing into town out of the blue
You’ll wish you had said, “Yes”.
And I’ll be grateful that you never did

Dedicated to Attwood

Breaking my childhood pact

I think of loves relativity in life
I picture you in my mind
Strange as it is
I'm ok with the uncertainty before me
Forever being just as relative as love
Knowing in my jaded sense
That nothing turns out the way you've planned it
I can't imagine not being with you
That in itself scares me
Your touch is like fire on my skin
Becoming one with me
Forgetting yesterday and looking toward tomorrow
Falling back into you
Hoping you catch me as I do
Beckoning with a hand
I ask you to join me on my journey
Vowing to you to never make it about the destination
Why put an end on something that has only just begun?
I allowed you entry into my heart
that in itself begs of you not to misuse the privilege

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."- Judy Garland

A chipped china cup and its partner

Raw overexposed
Sitting in a mess of a girl
Realizing what she's here for and who she's with
Can I leave I ask myself
And I always reply with the same answer
No just bide your time
Searching for something more
Having found it and yet feeling as if I've dropped it
Yet again I never do anything right
I feel as if I'm damned to hell
And slowly it's pulling me down
Oh, but I am condemned
But it doesn't have to be that way
There's freedom out there He's the key
But I don't understand the simplicity of it
Am I just that ignorant or just too analytical
It can never be just one or halfway going towards the other
It's either all or nothing
With that little speech
She coaxed herself up off the floor
Went to the mirror smoothed her hair and fixed her makeup
She then went about her day
Living in her beautiful denial
What is a girl to do with?
What she is given
So many mistakes she's made
The world seems to be her oyster
But so far she's made an utterly interesting pearl
All covered in muck and such its brilliance hidden by the mud
Where does she go from here?
They all ask me this everyday
I answer them with a short but everlasting answer
To go on
Just go on

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


my hands are freezing
thoughts stuck in time
not knowing what to do
Laughing as this cloud descends on me
The sharp contrast of the carmex on my lips
with that of the aluminum can
I find it amusing as we begin again in life
that some things remain the same
such as things said before in the winter wind of yesterday
The coffee black on the pot
I can hear it now
just as I've heard every year
since I can remember
During winter I see it as my ever loving vice
that I can fall back into
which I do just like the
yesterdays of my tomorrows
will all be the same with this winter wind