Honesty is tiring

I've got to get out of here
I keep saying over and over in my head
but we all know no matter where I go
destruction follows in my wake
poisoning my self along the way
I do it all to numb
 yesterday's misgivings
and tomorrows aftermath
I've dug a hole so big
I don't know if I can get out
or if I even want to
help is my forbidden
4 letter word
yet I cry out save me
to anyone who will listen
but let me tell you a secret
I don't really want your help
I just want to know that you're there


****these 3 things are true
I'm in love with being miserable
I'm in love with my depression
Im afraid to be happy****

Top 5 songs of the moment

1.It's me not you- Mike Mangione "There's a healing wound that cries
For every man that's brushed your thigh
But you cover up and play it all again
You flinch with every touch
Hoping he won't take too much"

2.Guinever-The Eli Young Band   "For as much as she
stumbled she's runnin' for as much as she runs she's still here"
 
3. Do No Wrong - Thirteen Senses "Close the door before it's late
We were born to love and hate
Turn it down for our own sake
We do no wrong"

4.She's a Genius- Jet "If what you know is who you are then
she's everything you don't need an education
 to know what class you're in."

5. Stephanie Says- Velvet Underground " Stephanie says,"that she wants to know why she's given her half her life to people she hates now"

"I am like Midas in reverse"

the crazy is something I can count on
to paraphrase a friend
as my mom rolls her eyes
and says," here we go again"
but it won't happen
I hate to say this
BUT
I'm pretty sure I put my all my eggs in one basket
and floored it as I reversed over them
everything I touch becomes a disaster 
I'm pretty sure
I can't be left alone with my thoughts
I'll go even crazier
la la la FUCK
can you have a life crisis at 18?
he hates to be alone
well i hate to tell him
I'm always alone
it's easier
he should learn that
just like I did
the silence still scares me
it never goes away
maybe we can be together
nah life never goes that way

This is what I want....cherry crush me now with a diet coke and slopes

I feel like i'm in a speeding car
shooting up heroin as i go down the road
 and i can't stop
 and he's the drug and the driver
this is what I want to run away with
but this doesn't exist in 2010
it barely existed in '91
but it's what I want
I'm so tired of being told to grow up
I get the fucking point
and yes you can be depressed for no reason at at all
anyone ever read shop girl?
for me it all began.....
and no one really wants to hear that story
not anymore
for so many years i sucked it up I swallowed pill after pill
they've stopped working folks
time for lithium?
electro shock?
am I just a lost cause?
no but I'm sick of wallowing in my woe is me kind of life
I suck at change
no shit but I didn't think it would be this bad
have they won?
not yet
but almost
thank god for lipstick, pearls, and perfume
or nothing would ever be ok

Sparkle

I want to be treated like a lady, to be asked out get dressed up,and go
to dinner with my beaux. I want love in its all consuming form. I want a place to wear my favorite black silk dress. In, this drab dreary world I live in it's a bit too much to ask for. I have such high expectations but I settle for less. I always have, but I deserve more and I know but most of all I want Sparkle. That spark you feel from love or even a new pair of shoes. I want to be inspired by something again. Life is not black, or white, but sometimes living in the shades of grey leaves much to be desired. Maybe I just want a little bit of a definitive answer.

Thought of the day

" I am what I am "
I will not apologize or deny

Plastic Knives

"We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone"-David Gray

Wanna be femme fatale
coffee in hand
and Fred Jones on the tv
that's right folks
scooby doo
the reason I come back here
is fear
it's nice to have something to hold on to
even if it's really not mine
it's so hard to let go
but I'm trying
before I say goodbye
"meet me on the other side"
and maybe together
we can say hello to the future
 while watching all my yesterdays
burn in hell

Five things that make me happy

1.Coffee -"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."
T.S. Elliot. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

2.Meaningful conversations with interesting people

3. My new vintage purse I found last week it's faux alligator skinned and fabulous

4. New bands like Teenage Rasputin and old ones like Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. Moleskine notebooks without you I don't know how I would survive

Love is Dead

   **Authors note** I wrote this in my Junior year of high school so it's not the best writing but it amused me when I came across it so I thought I would post it. (p.s. this is a satire)

    I love you possibly the three most overused words in the English language. They, also happen to be the most powerful 3 words that can grant access into even the coldest girl’s heart. In which one can use to take advantage and completely destroy the young girl. Yes, love them for the moment, but use them and then leave them. Why leave them? Various reasons their mother was insane, her hair started to get on your nerves. Maybe her sparkling, sapphire, blue eyes started to lose their appeal. A girl who is quite dull, but pretty to look becomes the object of one’s desires. Proving the point at hand that, true love is dead. The words I love you have lost all meaning due to womanizers much like Chris. Chris is a man rather an eighteen year old boy who has figured out that if he says those 3 magic words he can get any girl. Those, three words are not the only thing he uses, but that is what closes the deal.


   This really should be taken lightly people criticize him for what he does to young girls hearts. When, in reality he should be praised for learning how to play the game. Chris’s method can be cut down to three words seduction, flattery, and lies. He lies to everyone including himself. There, may be one or two people that he is honest with, but is that really a problem? He, isn’t really hurting anyone but innocent young girls who have yet to have had their heart broken. They need to have their heart broken, because it is a cruel world out there. Chris realizes this so in reality he is doing these young girls a favor.

If, more people realized this instead of criticizing him. Young girls would know that this is one of the rights of passage in life. In, actuality they need the womanizer’s of the world to prepare them for their journey later on in life. If, girls would open their eyes to this, and instead of mourning rejoice. Now, they can move on to the next part of their journey and life and maybe actually fall in some sort of “true love”.

Which, really is not true at all, but they do not realize this until it is too late. If, they did not learn their lesson the first time they deserve to go though the pain and heartbreak again. Really, Chris should be praised as a teacher of life’s hardest lessons, love is dead. Sooner, or later these girls will figure that out and he is just trying to help them get to that place quicker.

sands of time

nights like these
fingers chilled to the bone
chaos surrounds
as the calling begins
and songs from yesteryear
start to play 
words left unspoken
someday will pour out
but not right now
instead written words
soothe a broken mind
that keeps breaking
and yelling stop
only to be broken again

A little too perfect

I will never be her
with her darkened hair and smudged appearance
too clean, too nice, too loud
everyone's approval makes you cringe
so lets never talk again
if I could make that possible I would
and I'm trying
never again will I talk to you
and pretend that it's all ok
so fallen I may be but I'm stronger than you think
so I pick myself up
dust myself off
and realize I'm not enough of a mess for you
I don't need you to save me
you're the one who needs saving
funny how things work out

Kid Brother#1

Dezert,
 Know I love you even if I don't show it
I've not been the big sister you needed
and for that I'm so sorry
I'm so worried about you
being out in this world
reality hits hard at 4am
bc when do I ever sleep?
Sometimes I wish
 I could tell you to never grow up
but you have to and you are
I can't believe you're going to be 16 in 5 days
I remember being a sophmore like it was yesterday
Here's what I wish someone had told me
Stay true to yourself and don't let anybody change you
People don't understand "us"
the MISFITS
"My people are the misfits
The ones that don't fit in"
It's ok to be that way
to be different
Search for yourself
search for what you love to do
and do it with such passion
DO NOT let apathy strike you
and don't ever take no for an answer
lastly listen to mom and tim
even if you don't want to
and maybe someday you'll thank me

Come back to me

“I conversed with you in a dream”- Sappho


Acknowledge me please

Silent you stayed

So I walked on

It was only Natural to

Till you yelled Stop

Flash back we fell into

A Year we both try to forget

When you were Romantic

And Dazzled me with your eyes

It looked so real but it wasn’t

Today no Valid speech comes from your lips

No longer can we Identify with one another

If only it was yesterday

But it isn’t

I awake screaming

A nightmare with you in my head again

Haunted

With the sunset
no peace comes about it
restlessness kicks in
and the lights pour in
to keep out the dark
because it tells the truth
which in itself is
 is a nightmare
to those wishing to keep it out
to retain the sanity of the day
where new light is shed upon
old problems
but each day it turns into its wicked self
and it all begins again
like a song on repeat
begging to be danced to
under the moonlight

Let's find a wicked game sometime at midnight

driving to nowhere
to find the answer
to my questions
to find you
in a way which you do not exist
in a physical form
repeating that same damn phrase
over and over again
that tree i kissed with my fingertips
at midnight
I close my eyes
and it's a beautiful day
and I feel the cobblestone beneath my feet
my heels being stuck in between the cracks
and now all I do is get stuck in the past
the truest lover I have ever known
one you can come back to night after night
never changing ever faithful
actions always speaking louder than words
but does it really matter because you can't change either
words can't be taken back
actions can't be undone
the past remains the same
it's love never comes apart

Femme Fatale

Porcelain surrounds her as if it's her skin
laying on the bathroom floor
chills to skin
remembering when
and she's done with today, tomorrow, and yesterday
she's got to escape her own hideaway
memories flowing down her back
she's sick of being hated for everything she is
weird as fuck so what?
He's "small potatoes" baby doll
and she's thin as sin
fast as gin
and ready to leave for good
watch out world
these looks are gonna kill tonight

Top advice from Elle magazine E. Jean

" If all else fails, live by these 3 rules:
1. Never trust a woman who shags married men
2. Never make a deal with a guy who wears a white belt
3***Never try to be "friends" when the affair is over.Not even the Great Gatsby could make Daisy stay. After she slobbered over his shirts, it was pretty much finished"

"Why did ever we meet"

"Well the night's busted open
On these two lanes to anywhere
There's a kiss on my cheek and it burns so I leave it there
And I step on the gas and something begins to shake
It's my heart and it's singing, boy this is more than you can take"- You don't wanna leave
 
I'm holding on to false hope
isn't that what we always do
I wish it didn't hurt this much
I wish I wasn't listening to "maybe"
over and over again
because I know it's over 
and it has been for awhile
so why do I return
to comfort?
you're like a band t-shirt forgotten
you bring me down
you try to break my spirit
and when you can't
you walk away
leaving me standing there
my life a country song
if only your name was joe
so this time
I'm going to be the one walking away
and leave you there like you left me
so many times before

Let's drop the Rhett and Scarlett act

Scarlett: Sir, you are no gentleman.

Rhett Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.
 
I forgot how perfectly our hands fit
it kind of scares me now
you hurt me kid
and now every time I see you
I'd rather be in your arms
Everything is the same
everything is changed
I'm still wearing my St.Christopher
do your remember wearing it to Maine?
"too close too soon"
that's what you said last night
on yet another epic trip of ours
what did you expect?
I said nothing
instead I looked at the rain pouring down
and thought how I'd rather be kissing you in it
and then we almost ended up in Georgia
Arguing with you still one of my favorite things to do
but that girl she loves you
and you call her a victim.....
so what am I?
You opened a door you probably shouldn't have
so what did I do
I got on the interstate to clear my head
 I listened to all our songs
and my hair still smells like cigarettes
we were never very good at compromising
we work very well
when we are ourselves
this summer I've been trying to forget you
I ran and ran
you did too
but you missed me
you missed "this"
kissing you felt familiar and safe
However today you pulled away
I wasn't really shocked just dissapointed
I know you better than anyone
you know me just as well
so why is it so hard to admit?
I don't know
but I know when to let go
you've pushed me away
 So I'll be seeing you baby
Remember me

Day Old Hate

"you still speak of day old hate though your whole world has gone up in flames"

it's 3 am again
I'm not asleep cell phone off
essay written
"you can sleep when your dead"
that bitchin mix goin through my head
I just can't conform I just can't
If I do then I miss being "top banana in the shock depart
ment"
but is that even who I am?
Do I want to go through the next four years like highschool
loathing everything and everyone happy?
I really need to go out
but I kind of dig my book on the wall persona
brooding
self medicating with coffee and shopping
is it really all that bad?

"Hey there girl tell me what do you do"...."Nothing but I'm damn sure it's more than you"

Lately I've not been myself
maybe it's true I'm not good with change
I never believed it before 
but now I do
Giving up isn't an option
so I run home to the familiar
which isn't there
time has moved on and left me standing
in between yesterday and tomorrow
but I'm not going down without a fight
I mean after all I am my father's daughter
my will is too strong to be subdued
maybe just maybe time is all I need
but does time ever really change anything?

naps don't solve anything

A year ago today I couldn't wait to get away
today all I want to do is go back home
if home is where the heart is
mines stuck in yesteryear
it's bruised and it's battered but it's all mine
I miss my hardwood floors
and my messy bathroom
Life never goes according to plan
but this wasn't supposed to be hard
I'm a wanderer.....
but I'm too attached
I'm missing my baby brothers grow up
sunsets don't look the same
I don't fit in here
I don't fit in there
my life is a dr.seuss book
maybe I'll always be homesick
for something that died a long time ago

Anger wrapped about a smile

*I published this awhile back but then deleted so here it is again*

with simple things recognized lives change

people no longer the same

everything altered due to an admittance

some things are better left to the dead

from now on I'm gonna stick to lying

I think it's a better option than the truth

Head held high

yes I'm proud

and that's something that will never go away

come on try to break me I dare you too

dumb little boy

you wanna play games

fine then let them begin

I thought you were above that with me

but obviously not

truth: I cried all the way home last night

why wouldn't I?

I've lost you

yet again this always seems to happen

except this time

I'm the one that became obsolete

never enough

never what you wanted

that's fine

but you didn't have to hold me

Yet I remain here

and I'm glad I walked away last night

but I refuse to speak

so let your tone change

I hope you have fun holding your new whore

whoever she may be

she can be under your thumb

because you figured out a little too late

I can't be controlled

so go to hell

and have fun explaining

why I'm not at the wedding

One more failure

in your mother's eyes



"these are the roles we chose to play. I mean, look at us, sitting out here on this dock in front of the same house we've been haunting for years. We're practically ghosts of our former selves, and honestly, I don't think anyone really remembers what they're mad about anymore."

865....it's a little more complex

Some numbers were never meant to be redialed
let's be honest shall we?
No song will ever held to memory as "ours"
I need someone to hold me now
Cancer man is back
and all my prayers like crying in the rain
they didn't do me a bit of good
long winded I've become so watch me go quietly
Just let me go
forget ME please
I've got my own "soul to squeeze"

"whine,complain,moan" that's all I ever was to you

it's easier to believe a lie than to accept the truth
some people are easily fooled
wipe that smile off your face
I can see behind it all
I wish I knew someone like that
instead I know people that don't really care
they look at you but they don't see you
comfortably numb cliche right?
well welcome to my life
an overused 3eb song
I want to scream and run around
telling the world to fuck off
instead I smile and pretend to be so coy
You cut me off before
.....I can say a word
is that really fair?
My temper tantrums are famous
everyone needs to see at least one
and you deserved to be on the receiving end
right?
Don't answer that
"regret reminds you youre alive"
no shit
I'm not bitter
because I still have to see your face
PEACE MAN
annoying isn't it

Remember me....kisses like lingering fingerprints

you can name 10 things I hate
it'd be easier if one of them was you
instead we remain bestfriends
just like that run together
something spell check missed
I really hurt you today
yet you forgave me
like always
I wasn't even trying to be spiteful
I was just kidding
you know I talk too much
but you put your arm around me anyway
I'd rather be with you fighting than anyone else
I'm glad I never said," i love you"
because in a way I do but not in the way it should be
I love you like a favorite band t
but not all consuming
like I always have before
life's so complicated
but with you even now things aren't really
because you kept your word
like always
there for me you still get me
but you never let me in
so where does that leave us?
I have no clue but.....I'm not crying
"we have all the time in the world"
you keep saying that
but some of us are just candles
trying to stay lit

Seminole Wind

"I sat upon a Cypress stump,I listened close and I heard the ghost,of Osceola cry"

Both know the song by heart
Singing it with fervor
As her heart aches
For her dead and gone cowboy
Never to love again like she did with him
Years have passed but her love hasn't lessened
Another ring on her finger
Which remains unworn for one reason or another
She sees him everywhere
The wind holds her as he did
The salt stinging
She doesn't cry much anymore
True love never dies
Now she has a companion again
And a beautiful baby boy
But never again will she hear his voice spoken from his lips
That dream haunts me,"I'm just an image"repeated again and again
In that red truck coming up the drive
I haven't been back there in years and I don't think I will
The ghost of past memories haunt
If you listen at night you can hear the unlacing of his steel toed boots
And his laugh in the distance
Dead and gone is he
But true love never dies
Because the memories remain the same

Oh John Donne

Words left unspoken
makes me wonder what  you really meant
by your story
the same fate awaits.....?
Maybe I'm overthinking today
anxious about tomorrow
Thinking I'm insane
bruising easily a sign of the nearest cancer
like a 5 year old dreading school
or so she says
but I'm really not
I just realized I need words
to help me understand the way you feel
"this feels right"  
you said
this is about all one can ask from you
words lured me in before when it was all wrong
 now a with a man of few words
 I feel as if
This is the way it was supposed to be all along

"Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun." - John Donne " A Valediction Forbidding Mourning"

To: Idgie From: Ruth

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ( a little early) May 24th I know

Here's to the many times I've cried
and you've held me and told me it would be ok

the boy obsessions the heartache

and you stuck through as a friend

even when I pushed you away

Here's to the trips to south carolina

laying in the cemetery talking to daddy

while you sat beside me tears

running behind your aviators

Here's to you

my Idgie my best friend in the world

here's to being 19 and starting a new journey
 here's to the past and the present

I'll  be here always and forever

Love is a battlefield

would you choose me?
if you had to....ultimatums aren't my style
will it be
"ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"
like a love letter from the past
Do you realize how hard it is for me
to believe in this romantic shit
after everything I've been through
I'm in the space between
wanting to fall so hard
Reasons do I need the epic pro and con list
I feel so safe in your arms
but my Independence
comes with a price
I can't lose my head over you
so I walk in a straight line
drawing on my eyeliner
like warpaint
lipstick
is always needed in a time like this
don't forget the stilettos
and I'm ready for battle
this could be "complicated"
so bring it on baby
If I fall heels over head
I'll at least be dressed to kill
and I'll kickstart your heart

Realism is an easier pill to swallow so throw it in the blender

"some stories are better left to the dead"
now that death is no longer romantic
is it safe to say......
I believe in death more than I believe in love?
yes
am I afraid you're going to walk away
yes
probably with the same fear and intensity
that you are afraid of losing me as a friend
but don't you believe in being inexplicably intertwined?
Curtains blowing as the sun streams in
Summer is in the blood
and so is running
euphoria is lost and reality has set in
your deep sable eyes
sear into mine
 flame ignited
puzzles remain unsolved even with solutions in hand
just tell it to me straight
I'm going alone tonight
head held high
It's so much easier to be alone 
when you are alone
but when you're not
it hurts like hell
right now laying out and getting a killer sunburn
would be so much easier than living in reality
at least the pain would be welcome company

Carolina Girls Best in the World!

Today is a day to remember Shag the Movie
 I want to be in South Carolina right now and this movie is a Sc girls cult classic

Luanne:Damn damn damn!!!! Why does every damn thing have to happen when you're in a damn hurry

Buzz:"Well,don't play hard to get ,you might miss something"

Carson:"You don't know me, you don't love me, you sure as all damn don't want to marry me so why don't you leave me the hell alone?"

Buzz:"I don't think I can"

Buzz:"In my opinion, marriage is just a legalized form of prostitution."
Carson:YOU are not like any boy I've ever met!
Buzz: Well you're just like every girl I've ever met--you're stuck-up, tight-assed, and conventional.
Carson: Don't you swear in front of me! Maybe I don't believe in practicing free love! Who does?
Buzz: I do

Ghost in my driver's seat

Daddy,
Today I miss you
in fact these past few months
 I have missed you more than any other time
maybe it is because I can't imagine what life would be like if you were here
I'm chasing a ghost
looking for you in every corner
I need direction
I need you
to sing to me in your off key voice
" I think about you eight years old big blue eyes and a heart of gold"
instead I'm about to graduate
and I'm falling down for trouble with a capital T
Late at night coming home
I see you in the corner of my eye
forever young
If I could go back to one day
it would be that one  night coming home from dance
and "Blurry"came on and we sang together
it came on the other day
Somebody else was in the driver's seat
but we sang it just the same
I've never felt so alone and stuck in place
I act so independent and aloof
 but I want someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok
Every man I've ever met has walked out on me
so isn't it easier to push him
 away?
isn't lying better?
 it's almost been 8 years since that day
I wish I could just give you one more hug
 I don 't hug people
because I didn't hug you before you died
so why should I hug anyone else?
I need to get over myself
but some scars run too deep
for even the prettiest band-aids to cover
so I let them leave me
if only because I believe you're out there
I just have to search
till then "i'll be seeing you"

Now isn't an option even in between mixed tapes and plastic flowers

A look
across the room
daggers as eyes
His voice like nails on the chalkboard
do you remember...
looking at me like I was crazy
cause you got me lost on 75
that was a perfect day
all the looks wrapped into one
I ache to hear your voice
to see your eyes
Say it
and mean it
I can't go a day without complaining
So "please forgive me"
while the lightning goes through my veins
you make me feel safe
remember that time
i gave you that look
and your,"what"? said everything
I should've listened to it all
I guess "mixes"
do reveal the heart
too little too late
sorry kid

Sweet Nothings & Little Black Lies

I___you
fill in the blank
those key phrases
overused and common
you know you don't  mean it
why would you
some people just can't love as much as others
that spells trouble for the little girl
you're were with tonight
she was your Novocaine for the night
Still I think you'd rather
cradle the bottle beside your bed
than her
at least it doesn't ask for anything
I used to think "how's it going to be"
when he changes
but that doesn't fit the phrase
there's a kid
I'd give anything
to "dance when the stars go blue"
but I can't
he will be at home wishing
two things
to be smoking a cigarette and to be anywhere but here
I'll be up in the sky
wishing I was anywhere but there
What I wouldn't give
to be dancing by a record player
in some dive downtown
in my dress
with him
 instead I smile pretty
and try not to think of caskets
when I smell the roses on my wrist
 instead I picture myself
laying in the fields after midnight
just remembering
because sometimes it's all you can do
what am I remembering?
comfortably numb
my antidote to life
no worries my pictures won't be ruined
if only they could see behind my eyes
They'd see
all the key phrases left unsaid

"something is messed up here
something isn't right
we're supposed to be free
I'm supposed to be mine"-Sleater-Kinney

Life is not a movie, song, or Sex and the City life contains boo- boos and bad hair cuts

I wanna drive till I hit the ocean side

wind in hair

but instead I turn and I do the right thing

Song lyrics pour into my head

I'm wishing life was a movie

instead I'm sent on errands

I trip and bruise my knee

such is life

I wanna be there

but when I get there

here is where I crave

so i turn around

counted on

and ask
"Why did we ever meet"
 i like hands
because fingerprints
are always left behind unseen 

Outbursts started with a China Cabinet

"I could have lied I'm such a fool
My eyes could never never never
Keep their cool"

I keep asking for you
but you can't pick up the phone
frantically I want to scream
 come rescue me
now now now
make him leave me alone
I'm afraid the past repeats itself
with your name on its lips
I love how i get what you're saying
when you skirt around what you mean
and tell me that you skate now
stop labeling yourself
its not who you are
you are stronger than you think you are
but maybe you're really not
kid you cut your hair you cleaned up your veins
I wonder if you will let me inside now
or if you'll decide you can save yourself
All I wanted was for someone to tell me it was ok
and i realized that maybe it was time for me to do that for you
you're my unknown number memorized
who never lies
even when you could have

I bring out the worst in everyone

We lay our hands on the future
and pray as the world becomes a resume
The journey to the middle couldn't
 Have come at a better time

If dreams show the mind
then I want to be rescued from him
Driving I hear your voice
And he dissapears
I need you like chaos

Feeling like penny lane
Different personas for every man
Making me either a common whore
Or a good buisness woman

Now I'm working off the mood
The ring of fire surrounds me

As eyes close and souls die
Come on and try to break my spirit
I'll cut my losses and figure out why

My blades a little rusty
but uh my mouths just as sharp
And give me a little time
 I will show you how to go down the street

But be careful not to make a mess
It's a bitch to clean up
 but as easy as you to do

Did I tell you to speak
Now you're under my thumb
Take that Mick Jagger

Pretty in Black

"No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need"

Stitches on the wrist
Hope is dead
as the preacher
in his rich voice
preaches to the congregation
not knowing why
she cries as she plays the Rolling Stones on the organ
this is the reason I planned out my own funeral
so long ago
LBD's mandatory
I think I have a mixed cd around here to be played
It will be right at sunrise
coffee available strong like I make it
maybe screen my favorite movie before
bury me underneath the spanish moss
inscribe something on my tomb
but make it memorable
I wonder when I will be at my  best
If I sell out?
if my spirit breaks
Then you know I'm dead
People who say they have no regrets
are lying
I've learned more from regretting
than happy memories
I hope that I'm not the cause of anyone's regrets
except old lovers and possibly classmates
They can die with what if's but I sure as hell don't want to
and a final note Never let death control you
because it in itself has no control


PS:the movie that inspired me is The Big Chill

Catch My Fall

 "I wonder why it always feels like rain
My life is like some cheap champagne
The answers don't always seem to fit
My glass is full, but it tastes like shit"-Katy rose


My need for understandment
overrides my need to be accepted
I am a hypocrite
I do not understand others
but I expect them to understand me
it is completely irrational and unreasonable
thing to expect
my great expectations exceed yours
yet in your eyes I have failed you as a whole
getting it just isn't a priority
odd one out
book on the wall
is what I am
this becoming a repeat of 13
while beating a music stand
to its breaking point on the cold cement floor
back then I tried to
blame my life on someone else
remembering this
made me realize the question
who do we blame but ourselves
when we realize our situation ended
and our decision backfired

Dear____,

I open up my hands
and remember the way
yours unfurled into mine
I would kiss your fingertips
and look up
wide eyed
you said via txt I reminded you of Rose from the Titanic
rolling my eyes,"of course I do everyone says that"
watching it now
it had to be the way I played with your hands
as if drawing lines with my fingers
could bring me closer to your heart
as hot tears roll down my face now
as it always does with the end of this movie
he tells her, "never let go"
and we never do let go
memories never die
even as people change 
We keep them just as they were the last time we saw them
forever young ,beautiful ,and always loving
now as I look back on all I've given up to keep only a memory alive
those people don't exist anymore
yet I keep on wishing the future away
to go back to a past that wasn't mine to live
but why shouldnt I," it was a hell of  a long ride"
one never to be forgotten
wish you were here
I never let go

Mrs. Robinson was cooler than the graduate

color outside the lines
you fail kindergarten
In a way
senior year is kind of like kindergarten
you go through similar emotions
knees shaking shortness of breath
really wishing for that
kickass box of crayola
we all count down to graduation
but aren't you scared
tell the truth
blustering like hens
contradicting words become truth
because we just can't make up YOUR mind
as you march on down
in cap n gown
looking back towards the door
wanting to leave and never come back
to this place of crayon persecution
officiating it is not needed for anyone
but mom
This is for her more than me
I could do without the blue
the smock like zip up is a little unflattering
if only graduation could be a little more like prom
dig?

Definitely Maybe

At the moment
I'm uninspired
and not admired
in the way I would choose to be
Your father did not recognize me
but of course remembered Grace Kelly
I was pulled aside while he looked on
secrets whispered and giggles ensued
boys are silly even at 21
Am I to go alone
for 5 min to show them that "they didn't break me"
my movie references no one understands
You tried for a day
and then regressed
You warn me about what you "could do"
You can't hurt me
I hope you realize hell and back came
you were not there for either
If can't force myself to look at you
I sure as hell can't like you
Today at least
maybe tomorrow
or when we talk till dawn
but you my friend are a definite maybe

Guest Writer of the Month is..Lorraine May

 The guest writer  this month is one of my very best friends. She wrote this with her heart still broken but healing, she like me learned the hard way about trust and love.

I look back on it now,
the way you said you loved me.
The way you looked at me
and I was sure I would always be by your side
takes me by surprise now.

I always thought it would be you,
but it was me.
I look back on it now

the nights spent together
and the days of just you and me.
The sacrifices I made before and after
were too much.
I was not prepared for this alternate ending.

I look back today,
and I ask if it was real.
The worst part of it all is that I know it wasn’t.
It was all fake.
It was all a mistake.
How can you love someone enough to let them go?

I’m different now.
I don’t want you to love me.

There are a few things that remind me of that time, of you.
My heartbreak. My tears. My love.
But those now still don’t make me believe.
Only the pictures of us make me think we ever existed together.


“Was it ever worth it? Was there all that much to gain? Well we knew we missed the boat and we’d already missed the plane.”-Modest Mouse

“I remember when the days were long and the nights when the living room was on the lawn. Constant quarreling, the childish fits, and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman. All the slander and double-speak were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean anything but the blatant proof was you lips touching mine in the photobooth.”- Death Cab for Cutie

Peacock wrapped about my neck....says the village idiot

He's pinned together
like a jacket from
punk glam
yesternight had fallen
and the door opened
with a gunshot round about
gone insane from the pain
of wrong love
bonfire started
evidence burned
as the smell of plastic
singes the air
tears fall from his eyes
upon his scarred face
his sternum cracked discovered
when death emerged
caused by the rage of brother to brother
Cain and Abel
if Abel had lived
only to be buried
feet first in front of him
the trees whisper
daddy's getting what he deserves
rather than die or even live alone
he became a prisoner in his own body
whatever happened to him?
Time wasn't in his plans
the cancer ate today
a horrid death
to succumb to
but
what if he really wasn't
what if Texas held my identity
an overused phrase WHAT IF
makes up most of society's panic
what if the all seeing eye blinded itself
Ridiculous thoughts will always occur

Stop over reading me....I want something chaotic

I do not imagine things that cannot happen
or at least things I don't want to happen
I am not a what if scenario kind of girl
a bitter pill is what I am
and no matter how many combating remedies I take
none seem to make me a happy doll
brooding in the corner of the library
I never thought Valentine's Day would be this hard
I thought you would come around
obviously not
it's easier for yesteryear
to say hello
 you little girl
MAN UP
I'm sick of the excuses
You don't understand me
I don't play tactic games you moron
I live in a world that exists outside of video games
either love me or leave me the hell alone

This year's Love

         It's February the air is filled with hope and dread. The hope of people in love praying that their significant other fulfills their expectation of what a "valentine" is. Dread coming from people like me single people who have mixed emotions about the holiday. I have decided not only do I have little relationship knowledge I'm slightly challenged when it comes to relationships. I am only seventeen and should probably give myself a little bit of slack. How can I though,in a world that is relationship obsessed? I have never had a successful long term relationship. As a young girl I yearned for a love  like my parents had and that is what I have expected an amazing story like theirs. I've had to realize I can't find my father in another guy. He is dead and gone I have to go on and live my own story. Not letting the past define my life. A person dear to me said,"Love isn't about the big things like we always imagine. It's about the little things in between that lead to the big moments. It's spinning in the road or going in the snow or kissing the forehead or saying good morning. Without those there isn't a friendship in love it's forced."(JMM) I've been in love but I have never been loved as deeply as I loved. . No matter how much you love someone you cannot force them to love you back. I have to remember that the little boy who cried "love" is just that a little boy. So this February I will not allow my past to define my attitude towards Valentine's Day. So ladies and gents wear pink and red enjoy the candy and love everyone. Oh and don't stop believing....

Somewhere in Between Looks to Kill and Bette Davis Eyes

"Will the wind ever remember
The names it has blown in the past
With it's crutch, it's old age, and it's wisdom
It whispers "no, this will be the last"-Jimi Hendrix

Summer seeming now
 are the misty blue eyes
 which lie vacant
while the scenes repeat themselves
there is a worm eating yesterdays
like a Pink Floyd song
gone wrong
Through golden years
lies not peace
but liars of better days
History is non existent
within the hole of time
that is his mind
breathe in and out deeply
kid brother's run away
no jackets to be found
it's frigid
and the tears don't come
later on that night
makeup smeared eyes
tell the tale
she tried to hide
 with pen in hand like a knife
English Rose upon the lips
pink as blood
a letter will be written
that was only meant to burn
 the writing screams angrily
you were meant for something better
it is awoken by
the cold warmth of the fire
somehow destroying the words
releases them

We don't play the same kind of games

You say," I'll see you tomorrow
lunch is planned
noon rolls around
phone remains silent
no message received
so my girls gather round
and we gossip and talk
I remain mum about you
you never grew into society
which is probably why I like you
your eyes are original brown
I think.....
You prefer to "court" me from afar
possibly?
I'm dangerous
or so you say
never have I been called that
not exactly a term of endearment
you said," I never know when to say hi or when to compliment people"
obviously not
let's try again
after all "tomorrow is another day"

Storm in a teacup

Jim Morrison once said,"I guess death it is a friend"
Or is it?
Teacups blown to bits

As the spoon swirls round

The sun sets down

Rose blooms at midnight

CLICHE CLICHE CLICHE

shouted 3 times

like peter who denied Christ

the paper is thrown and crumpled
lands next to the manifesto
The drug addict philosopher
struck again
spewing day old coffee grounds

as the old familiar itch sets in

fuck carved into the side of flesh
ok ok I"M ANGRY
you were right
I just can't drop everything
like a pair of heels at the end of the night
no it must be held onto and mulled into nonexistence
now lets kick it into overdrive
and remember to smile and be pretty wild
you'll be dead soon
or at least busy

Open your eyes

"Get away from these liars they don't get your soul or your fire"-snow patrol

You stare out at nothing
Possibly the images dancing in your head
Half moons under your eyes

Do you need to find a vein
Here let me help you
My heart is bleeding
So come on shoot up

How can I hate you?
"I never loved you enough to hate you"
But I hate who you've become
I can't look at you without
anger pumping through my veins

I just want to scream
WAKE UP
You are sleep walking through life
If I stabbed you with the truth
You couldn't feel it
I pray to God
You hit that wall quickly

For now I will remember you
The way you used to be
Brown eyes dancing
With a fire now burned out

Please leave me in my corner and don't ever call me baby

Crashing into my life once again
Leave me be
Truly I'm begging of you
My heart hurts once more
Playing that old familar tune
Which is funny because we never danced to it
Over dramatizing things
 Grace Kelly accuses me of
I just want to scream
And hit the hammer so hard
I break it before it breaks me
Somebody hold me
While I curl up into my little ball
Promises promises never come true
My candidates have been killed by yours truly
Pushing them
To their breaking point seems to be my speciality
Ring around my finger
Dancing to the dead
Driving over graves while running into trees
Maybe sleep will make the ache dull
silly girl trix are for kids!
 i'm only 17
Yet I feel 36
Death is at my door
 we had a nice chat the other day
 he told me to be ready
Ready for what I do not know
Mr.Castle crash anywhere but here

My monologue

I wrote this for my musical theatre  tryouts

There are many things I wish I could tell her

But at 17 you can’t see past his eyes into tomorrow

She looks at me now and sees a housewife who bakes a perfect cake

But not long ago I was her

In love with the"one”

Mama tried to warn me but I wouldn’t listen

I walked out of her house angry and bitter

I didn’t walk back in till her funeral 10 years later

I swore to myself I wouldn’t push my daughter away

So I bite my tongue and keep silent

Praying she won’t succumb to

The same clichés I did