Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Thought of the day

I want to be the girl you point to and say "that's her"

Monday, April 27, 2009

C'est la vie

Last night, I had coffee with the guy who had my complete and utter devotion last year. I was bored out of my mind and had made the plans on Monday. I cancelled on him, because I had to go to an early birthday dinner for myself. Well, that was yet another family dinner from hell and I just could not go home on a Saturday night and wallow. No, I had to get out for awhile. I of course have to go home and change, because my dress would just be too risque for him. Plus, he might think that I had gotten the wrong idea like this was a date or something. He's not exactly the smartest cookie in the jar(I'll explain later) We are supposed to meet at this coffee shop by my house and I tell him 8:30.
He, arrives before I even leave my house.I arrive at 8:31 and I walk in. The,band that I wanted to see(he was my excuse to go) had already started playing. I look around and I can't see his gawky face. At, 6 feet and however many inches he's really hard to miss. I'm just about to call him and I see him come in grinning. He was sitting in his car waiting for me to get there, because it would just be too tasking socially to go inside. I, order my usual a non fat caramel latte and get an extra shot, because I just knew it was going to be a taxing night. Taxing really just doesn't do it justice more like boring as hell and long.
I pay, and walk over to him and he gives me a hug. This, is extremely awkward for me and it's so funny because, a year to that date I would have given anything to be hanging out with him. I sit down and notice he's looking at my chest and I'm like really Mr.Sexually Pure really? Thank, heavens the guy finished my latte. We, sat down and chatted a bit on the couch he decides to order an Italian soda, cookie and apple turnover. I suggest sitting outside, because last night really was gorgeous. As, we sit there and talk about anything and everything I wished I was there with anyone but him. I, really shouldn't be sitting here ranting about him he is actually a nice guy he's just dense and doesn't understand me.
The, cherry on top of the night was him saying,"I guess she's like you, because she's not as pretty as her friends." He is of course referring to his younger sister. I, was like wow you are an ASSHOLE I of course didn't say this I just smiled and changed the subject.
At, that moment I knew that would probably be the last time I would ever see him. This, is on my own accord. I, realized that I grew up and passed him by he was a cruel reminder of what never was. You, can't change people and he never would change his blinders never opened. His, constant image of me is that of the young, stupid, and naive 15 year old girl he met the middle of his senior year. To, me he would always be the boy that would never grow up no matter how old he was. I didn't even say good bye, I finally realized I had said,"Good bye" one hot september night as I clicked the end button on my cell. The, funny thing is I didn't realize how he kind of just faded away. I had finally gotten what I wanted just a little too late. Then, again that's life.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Quote of the day

"He's not like coffee he's like water he goes through everyone and kills you if you consume too much" JMM

Someday you'll be someone's classic 36

"Twisting and turning your feelings are burning you're breaking the girl she meant you no harm"
-"Breaking the Girl" RHCP

Delegation of the nation
to whom we've become
The lady of the night
in which blue on black
hits you more or less
over the head

As he insults your life
and you hate him
and the plastic is hard
to remove
and the feeling sets in
as you look across
his face

You went down the lane
not across the street
it doesn't do the job
as we come to each other
blood upon blood

which boils
beneath the layer of hate
and the rest lies hidden
underneath the pretty layers
starving for something more
something less than
the few
other than his
to contain

Your head to rather
not be a foolish face
which your mind concieves
more often than not
"Lover you should've come over"
Ringing through your head

Knowing that you need to stop
the spread of the disease
and create a remedy
to your sickness
which began with a look
from your eyes to his
and I look to him
and say, "Baby don't break her."

Not like you broke me
but, knowing it's going to happen
I watch
and my words become null and void
I realize as I look upon this situation
it's you and me
and I'm an outsider
trying to save me from myself
it's all in vain
but then again that's the beauty
of the situation
one's own hell
repeated over and over again

Monday, April 20, 2009

The day James Dean walked away

I wish I knew what to say but I don't.
Everything remains the same
but it changes
and God give me a chance
For you I'll change
I wish I couldn't care
I wish I could let you go
but you are my champagne supernova
"A dreamer dreams she never dies"
and it dawns upon this dreamer that
my dreams may die
even if I don't
and I'm sick of crying
I don't want you to remember me
this way remember me
smiling laughing flirting
anything but crying and screaming
you deserve more my dear
than my dramatics can allow
more than anything you
need someone who can separate themselves
from their heart
So passionately I love and still do love you
yet here we go again another jaded lover
gone again
And at the end of this
am I really surprised that this
is how it ended?
I fucked up
and You remained you
beautiful in all your misery
I hope you can find a girl
that isn't me
I wore too much lipstick
for you anyway
We were never meant to be but it was
pretty while it lasted
And for me you'll never leave
the imprint left upon me
will never cease to be
you tattooed your initials on my heart
goodbye my rebel without a cause

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Crawford's Wine

"Are You Lightning"- By Nada Surf
I love these lyrics I'm sorry I have to gush!!!

And so we meet and there are sparks,
Its gold it's new and free from sharks,
Your house is big it seems so clean,
Your cleaning lady comes and we're discreet.

Are you lightning?
'Cause I'm waiting.
What's the timing?
I'm not playing.

And so I act like I'm 21,
Wide eyed and drifting unto sun,
Pay back is here my legs are numb,
I'm back, it's square one feeling dumb.

The sweet things,
When do they come?
Have I gone deaf?
What's the song?
Are you lightning?
'Cause I'm waiting,
This is frightening,
I'm not playing.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...

I see you in my sheets,
I see you in my sleep,
I see you through the mirror
You sing we're not to steal.

The only thing I'm scared of is the secret that you keep,
I know where you are, I dunno where you are.
Don't make the other wonder the others might sting,
Tell me what you're thinking,
Do not let me twist.
Just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets,
I see you in my sleep,
I see you with something that's funny
I hear you I almost weep

I see you from my steps,
you're walking up my street,
But just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep,
I see you from my steps you're walking up my street.

And just look at the size of you,
The sun shine on and on...
The sun shine on and on...

Monday, April 13, 2009


hard blue
on her knees sobbing weeping
like a mad woman
her eyes
they've become glazed with pain
no longer the girl she used to be
she's the woman she has become
maybe by circumstance
maybe by her own will
I still wish I could have
known her then
without the screaming,the yelling, and the disappointment
to see her eyes without the pain
would be a miracle in itself
I see her in the pictures with him
and she radiates youth and beauty
when he holds her
and you know
he was her everything
and she was his
the kind of love that you read about
but never really know
the one that goes down in the storybooks
but if it's real then it must end in tragedy
She gets that call
and rushes to see him
but, he's already gone
I'll never forget the day
she buried her heart with him
I can still hear the train
whispering in the spanish moss
while she cried behind his raybans
and kissed his casket one last time
before they lowered him down
I'll never forget watching her collapse
after the burial that day
it's something I would see
quite often in the next few years
nothing could remedy her heart
for it lay next to his
forever beating as one

Top 5 songs of the moment

1. I Need All the Friends I Can Get-Camera Obscura "You can't see that you're just the same as all the stupid people who you hate."

2. Cannonball- The Breeders "I'll be your whatever you want."

3. Why Can't I- Liz Phair (Yes completely cheesy I know.) "It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it. So tell me why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?"

4. 405- Death Cab For Cutie "You keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew."

5. Rescued-Jack's Mannequin "Static to the sound of you and I undone for the last time."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The girl with the pearls stands on the corner underneath the neon lights and she cries

I miss him
and the more I sit here
I think about the last time I saw him

and I smile
When I remember that it was raining that night

I think of that phrase," It was beautiful and nothing hurt."
So many things in life that cannot be said of
but this whatever it is
for now that can be said

People will say," oh, here we go again."
I can't help, but plea with them

that it is different this time
For he is the only one to understand
They dismiss THIS

and him with a wave of their hands

I can't help but feeling out of control
with everything that happens

yet I wouldn't trade a moment
of it all in fact if anything
I'd ask for more
and maybe just maybe
he can be my sunrise

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm always Wendy

The caffeine's been pouring into my blood baby
as the realization
sets in
you're pushing me away
so what do I do
I sleep all day and stay up all night
I want you to want me like I want you
I don't think you ever will
Don't tell me you love me
then threaten to leave
real life doesn't work like that
my hearts been shot to hell and back
you know that
but you don't know what you want
it would be so much easier
to walk out
but instead I lay in bed
and stare at my phone
and wonder how you can be out to three
you don't want to wake me
bullshit I never sleep
you know that
instead you run
from me probably the person
that cares the most about you
yet I remain here waiting on you
hoping you'll call tonight
and tell me what I want to hear
I wait in vain because
the anger that seethes within you
will never leave
I realize that after the fact
of falling
I got what
I've always wanted
a cheesy 80's film romance
except I'm in St.Elmo's Fire
and you're Billy