Thursday, October 29, 2009

Lies Remain Wrapped in a Pretty Blue Box

Breathe from the intricacy of life
Fire absorbs the skin
pause to be
while thunder pounds against the sky
Rain hot like summer
melts the face about the bend and glistens
as the soundtrack of the future
ran ahead leaving residue
powder like cocaine
yet benign in effect
smoke fills the air
blown from a withered hand
nails bitten down to the quick
knuckles cracked and bleeding
the bloodshot blue eyes close
and perfection appears
promising forever
but tomorrow remains alone

Monday, October 26, 2009

My oh My what a "Wicked Game" you played

 A continuation of  my  JB posts......RIP

LOCATION: Walmart,Steak&Shake , K-Town
YEAR: 2007
TAGS: bittersweet beginnings, &endings
PUBLISHED: June 16, 2009
SONG: Soul Kitchen -The Doors
    Whenever I hear the opening beat of this song I'm taken back to a time of first loves and yellow moons. I'm 15 and wearing my favorite blue and green striped halter top with my flowy white pants. The air is permeated with Coconut Lime Verbena and our sense of youthful hope. Fifi, and I were at dinner when we really she convinced you to come to the movies with us. You, whined that you were just too tired from football practice (two a day's anyone?).
   You came anyway arriving late, but that was your usual tendency. You were always late when you needed to be early and early when you needed to be late. Your baby blue eyes were hidden by your Ray Bans you and your wavy brown hair covered like always by Vernon the hat that will never die. You, sat between Fifi and I, because you could not stand Lorraine. The, movie was just another comedy of 2007 which that summer there seemed to be too many of. When, it was over we left Lorraine, because you were hungry and wanted food.
   I remember you sitting Indian style on the ground outside the pinnacle with your face in your hands. You, were pitiful but the picture was adorable. I, hate to say I don't have it now. The phone was destroyed that winter by my rage issues and a locker.
   There was only one place that was open in the little plaza and you of course wanted to go there, Steak and Shake. Whenever, I think Steak and Shake I think calories and fat grams, but you and Fifi wanted to go there. I, like most times just went along for the ride. You, drove like a bat out of hell and this song was playing in the background. Fifi, was sitting up front and I in the back, windows down rarely straight hair blowing in the wind. When, we arrive at steak and shake you guys order cokes. While I, just sit there with an air of disdain around me. All, of the sudden three guys come walking in one would be my first boyfriend and one would inspire me as a writer.
   After, what seems like an eternity of awkward conversation and staring at my chest. They, finally left," Oh shit," I say," What time is your mom picking us up?" (We're still just 15 here) "Soon, we have to go over to walmart she can meet us there." Fifi says with not a bit of panic in her voice. (I'm the spaz remember?) "Why can't she just pick you up here?" you ask with this sheepish look on your face. In which, she calmly replies"she won't believe we walked all the way over here Walmart is closer to the theatre." With, a deep breath and a sigh she says,"Plus, she would kill me for hanging out with're 17 and a boy she thinks it's just me and Brigitte."
    "Well then, what in the fuckin hell are we still doing here? Let's go." You said while you lay down a ten to pay for the two drinks. You, never did get that burger that night. When, we got to walmart you guys decided to play hide and seek from me.I knew it was so you could be "alone" in which you did nothing but hold hand and at that time they fit. Even, if they wouldn't later on.I, finally decided to look for you guys and found you both in the music section,shocking really."Hurry." I say pannicking while walking hurridly to the otherside of walmart.We needed to show her mom that we actually needed to go to walmart. So, we got some whipped cream, candy corn, and 300.Saved, by my sweet tooth and Fifi's love of epic action flicks.
   Before the night ended I knew she was in love with you. Just,by the way she looked at you as you called her name on the way out.She too was looking for any excuse to stay. As,She turned around your arms are extended. She starts running towards you in a movie like fashion.You hug no squeeze her tightly almost as if you were trying to memorize the way she felt in your arms. I, tried not to look back, but I couldn't resist it was one of those moments time stood still for.
    As, I stepped out into the parking lot that night I'll never forget the way the air smelled. I had a strange feeling I would never be the same and I was right. In, those next few weeks I would fall in "love" for the first time. That, night however,would be the beginning of the end to my innocence.

*Note Fifi is J.M.M.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Day the Music Came Alive

The day the music came alive
LOCATION: Car/ Highway , Surfside

YEAR: 2006
TAGS: The summer of a thousand days
PUBLISHED: June 10, 2008
SONG: Buffalo Springfield

I'll never forget the first time I heard this song. I was on my way to the beach with my grams for memorial day weekend. It was the beginning of the summer going into my freshmen year. She had this random cd in the car so I put it in and began to search around for a song that I liked. I remember i stopped on this song. I became mesmirized by it I am not really sure why. Maybe, because it was a 60's protest song and I could relate in my own way. Maybe it was the fact that I would soon lose my innocence and naivety and always look back on this time fondly filled with both. I don't think it was that at all I think it was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. As strange as that sounds this has and always will be the themesong in mylife. I think it's because it reminds me when everything was beautiful. Even so, that day will always be remembered as taking us 3 hours to get to our destination which was only a 1 and a half away. It took so long because Grams and I stopped at this seedy antique house. This was where I found my first 45's Bobby Darin and The Monkee's. I of course read bobby darin wrong and thought it said Bob Dylan. I remember being so excited then dissapointed when I got into the car and saw that it was not Dylan.When we finally arrived I was actually upset because the ride was over and if I have learned one thing in life it's that" It's in the journey not the destination." This of course would not become evident to me until a few years down the road. Looking back though, I realize that the ride was the best part and I guess that's how life is. Just like the quote said It's not exactly where you go it's how you get there. Problaby the hardest lesson I ever learned, but am ever so greatful for it.

Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one
man from another.

Ernest Hemingway

Midnight Hearts

Midnight Hearts

LOCATION: schoolroom , Knoxville
YEAR: 2007
TAGS: Like not love
PUBLISHED: September 22, 2008
SONG: Linger- The Cranberries

I was singing Zombie and couldn't get it out of my head one day in Algebra. Looking around I ask if anyone likes The Cranberries? He of course, replied, " I like "Linger". Everyone else too oblivious to life to even know who The Cranberries are/were. I was annoyed at first because I thought that it was a typical answer. I shrugged it off and filed it to the back of my mind under misc.information. Never, guessing that I would fall for him. Dylan the boy with curly brown hair and piercing gaze that rivels Jim Morrison's. As, I developed this crushI remembered this song and how he liked it. I wrote this poem for him a while back and yes, of course linger was playing in the background.
Take me in your arms
Holding me with your sweet embrace
Until we part for one reason or another
What is it that we must be unsatisfied with life?
Passion coursing through our veins
The want and need we hold for one another
Yet, we refrain
Those, glances from across the room
Forever burned into my memory
To be forgotten
As we lay down each other and pick up another
Both, wondering what would have been
If we had not been so afraid to fall
Pride held us back
Your words burned into me and still do
Reminiscing on the past I know I could have changed it all with a word
A single gesture toward you
Yet, I decided to remain coy
Now, I am left here to wonder what could have been
Idealizing my past mistakes with a sweet honesty
Which only a jaded heart could do
Someone who hurts but
is searching for that person
who completes them
Ignoring my own advice because I know
That nothing ever ends with happily ever after
Yet, I still end up wishing for one with you

Note: I didn't end up with this boy, but I'm not sad about it.

Numb No More

Numb No More

LOCATION: My life , knoxville
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: Breaking walls
PUBLISHED: June 9, 2008
Song: Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd

I cried today for no reason at all. Why I picked now of all times hell if I know. I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly in gut wrenching fall on the floor grief. I've numbed my emotions out for one reason or another. I'd thought I'd forgotten how to cry since I rarely do so. I usually have to be provoked. I'm so good at hiding the hurt that when that wall breaks down you forget how raw and emotional it is. I've probably cried less than ten times since my fathers death. I couldn't deal with the pain I can't even deal with it now. I would love to go take a xanax and sleep all day tomorrow ,but I can't. I have to go on the world does not stop for me to finally feel something real in six years. No, matter how hard I try to make time stop to hold on just for a second it doesn't. The sun will rise in a few hours no matter what I do and no matter how hard I cry.

I think that is why I stopped crying in the first place because, I knew that crying would not bring him back so why even bother with it. I always saw it as weak I would not be one of those "girls" the kind that cries in movies and at the end of books etc. No, I wanted to be the girl with the steel heart the one that doesn't have to feel a thing except occasional imitation happiness. I wanted everything numbed out and I did it. Unfortunately, for me my wall was made up of a weak foundation. One of course that could very easily break. It did today I think all traces of my wall are gone. I hate it. I miss the security of being numb. I want to be "Comfortably Numb" again it was so much easier than feeling. So, today I am the owner of a broken wall and an aching heart. I never thought this aching would return I did everything I could to bury it. I couldn't and now it hurts and I want to curl up and a ball and die, but I know that I can't because,"The end is just the beginning." That is the reason I know I must go on. I hope someday to rise above this and be truly happy. Then, again what is true happiness? I just hope being numb all the time wasn't better

Note: I'm beginning to think it was better everything hurts then again what is life? October 6



LOCATION: Hell on Earth , Knoxville
YEAR: 2002
TAGS: death, daddy, grief, music
PUBLISHED: June 3, 2008
Song:Simple Man-Lynyrd Skynyrd

    My father died six years ago to this very date June 3rd. It was a Monday and he and I were supposed to plant tomatoes in our little garden at home. Except my daddy never came home and that was the day my childhood died. He died at work on his break playing basketball he was 30yrs old. I'll never forget that morning when my meme woke me up and led me to the living room. My entire family was sitting around my mother who was seated on the couch. I knew something was wrong when I saw her tearstained face and blood shot eyes. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity until I demanded to know what was wrong. She then turned to me and said,"Daddy went to be with Jesus." With those six little words my world came crashing down upon me. I cried out,"Why?" over and over again.

That question has to this day never been answered so,I learned to stop asking. In all of this grief I became the adult and I couldn't deal with it. On the insideI wasdying and on the outside a bubbly child til I discovered my love for music. My father also had a great love for music which had been kept alive through me. I numbed out my pain with AC/DC,Jimmi,Janis,Pink Floyd,The Doors any amazing band that could just pierce their lyrics or beat into my soul was welcome. You name great bands of any era and I'm probably in love with them and not just the obvious bands please I'm deeper than that NOW. One thing has stayed the same though and that is my comfort music which is Lynyrd Skynyrd. You may call me a redneck if you would like to because,"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." I am who I am. This song describes my father through and through he was "Simple Man" though he was not raised to be so. He rebelled against it all and always remembered his roots rather his father's roots deep in the swamps of ElizabethTown, Nc. When I hear this song it always keeps me grounded and makes me remember who I am and who I came from.

That was my father a simple man who might be appalled at the fact that his daughter is a "Fashonista", even so I remember everthing when this song is on and the pain and the grief come rushing back to me I always remember him and all he stood for his spirit. Or rather his "wandering" one my meme always called it. She says,"That it is in me too." I forget sometimes with the humdrum of daily life,but am always pulled back to reality when this "Funeral March" as I like to call it comes on.When it all comes down to it I am and always will be his, daughter and a Southern girl and I'll be damned if I forget it.

Life's Playlist

Life's playlist

LOCATION: On top of a bronco overlooking the sunset , Canyon,Texas
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: everything in between
PUBLISHED: May 20, 2008
Song: Every Breath You Take- The Police

    This song is an amazing 80's classic but even more It's a great breakup song though slightly stalkerish when one listens to it at first but still great. This song brings to mind a question I heard awhile back that intrigued me. Rob: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. "Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music"? Rob makes a good point. By the way this quote was taken from the movie High fidelity in case anyone ever reads this and wants to watch it. Great film very pessimistic but very real at the same time(Late 90's classic). Still the question ensues does music make us depressed or are we depressed because we listened to it. Well my theory is that everyone out there has music that is waiting to be discoverd the kind that will change their lives.

When I talk about this most people think I am crazy but I am really not. I'm just willing to admit what others won't. The power of music I believe that music has the ability to make you realize what was there all along. Music can heal you whether it was sent from God or whatever you believe. I know for a fact I would not be here if it was not for my music because I had nothing left to believe in. Music is the drug that I use to tune everything out to live in denial.At the same time it's what saved me. I truly believe God sent me music to find him it was predestined in my journey to happen. It's impacted me in a way I'll never be able tofully understand.So to answer Rob's question I believe in both I believe in music making you miserable but I also believe in music's ability to heal the soul.

My challenge to you all is to go find your music the kind that can heal your soul or tear it to shreds or do both at the same time. Don't just sit around and listen to the repugnent music of our time that is on the billboards top 100. Instead search around learn who you are become the person you always wanted to be let the music be the inspiration. Let it course through your veins as your life's blood. Be warned all the same though music is a powerful thing and can be used for just about anything good or evil. Oh, and totally random song but I thought it was a beautiful 80's ballad so whatever.

Falling Back to Life

jb this amazing web site where you could put your thoughts to songs is closing its user accounts so I'm putting my favorite posts on here. This website was the starting place for my will be missed

Falling back to life
LOCATION: overlooking the lake , Florence,South Carolina
YEAR: 2008
TAGS: heartache, love, bittersweet
PUBLISHED: May 19, 2008
Song:Motorcycle Drive By-Third eye blind

She's free yet weighed down

She loves but she's never been in love

So naive yet jaded in a pretty way

The kind of girl you'd never guess likes to bleed for fun

Puts on a face everday just to hide the scars

Everything she is, is everything you never wanted to be

At the moment She's so alone yet so alive

She talks in circles never to be understood

She waits for Prince Charming

She's everything "They" hate

Who are "They"

Hell if I know

but this is my life

so come take a peek inside

my heart is bared for all

You'll never look because you don't really care

It's really okay because

"I knew that I could never have you,"

I remember that day with bittersweet tears of forgotten yesterdays

Still I love you in my own way

Well with what I know of love

which isn't much except heartache and obsession

If you ever read this dear boy know that everything you ever thought was wrong

So go back home

and please just leave me alone

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

sleep robs me of my nightmares

Fog swirls around
while the roses which encase me
remind me of death
my fear comes alive

dressed in black
heels intact
I feel his hand upon my back

while I march down the aisle
my family at my side
I had hoped that church
would not have another funeral
before my day
but it came to pass

she was a little girl at heart
her laughter rings in my ears
suddenly my head clears as Stewart says," we gather here today"
I'm in a time warp
remembering that mint green dress
he hated black

the tears fall down
they get brushed away
by my secret temptation
his hand remains in mine
as we stand beside
daddy's grave
she will be place right beside
I look at my shoes
and then up again

I open my eyes
not to the clear sky
but to the darkness of my room
I alone remain in my bed
reeling from my bittersweet nightmare

I can't imagine it either way
she is not gone
he will never again hold my hand
my will is stronger than my heart

my memories mixed with fears
cause my nightmares
death and heartache remain
a double edge sword to me
for happiness fades
by default leaving me to revel
in the pain

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Ms. BB and her Sockos

SOCKOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have mandals for men and sockos for the ladies.......Ms. BB was sporting these today j.crew argyle socks with chacos. This of course is in rebellion to the dress code at my school. You must wear closed toed shoes but the backs can be open. We are also supposed to wear "footies" with our flats. This makes them gag worthy so I don't bother anymore....SENIOR. I do however want to praise Ms.BB for her courageous fashion choice. Let's see how long she will remain unnoticed by admnistration. As, always folks remember "Damn the Man! Save the Empire" -"empire records"

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I have as many skeletons as shoes

Anger burns inside
while the older I grow
the easier it is to say goodbye
with each annoyance
my attachment lessens
tempting it is to keep on driving
past the exit
Instead I go to my park and swing
thinking about how different things turned out
as a little girl I imagined my life would be so grand
The reality is EXTRA ordinary
although there are nights
when the darkness wraps about me
on those nights I miss the beach
and relish the fact that I am alone
because alone
I am not held back
forced to face the demons
no arms to catch my fall
damning the "fomas" I was told as a child