I'd give anything for a carolina sky by morning

The ocean like the heart
holds many keys to unlocking
the secrets to the soul
it's only within
that ocean
that one can be found again

Truth or Fiction

1.I do things sober most people do drunk

2. I'm always in the process of quitting smoking

3. I have a secret love hate relationship with Taylor Swift's music

4. I wish my insecurities were beautiful and not annoying

5. I used to be a lot stronger

Something to think about

I like whiskey with a cigarette and a diet coke I'm destined to be somebody's "whiskey girl"

"You have an excuse for everyone in your life don't you"?-A.S.
     yeah I do it's sad but I love like Jesus unconditionally

"Can't you just pretend to be happy when you're around me"?-BRM
     Baby for you I'd do anything and that's the problem
    ps.when you hold me now I still feel safe and when I close my
eyes I can still hear you singing,"I'd do anything Just to hold you in my arms"
while you held me rare even then....I remember realizing I had fallen for you"Amazed" was playing my hair was spread out all on the bed and we were kissing it felt right and you kept saying "you know I'm gonna end up marrying you right"? I wish you had been right
pps. "Every light in the house is on" just in case you still LOVE ME but we both know you won't call me back tonight.....I'd give anything for one of those 4 am your stoned as hell and asking me why I'm not there
and where I am....not gonna happen again

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years"?- Mom
Outloud,"I don't fucking know" inside "loved and cherished"

"Does he care for you"?-Papa
   I keep telling myself in his own way he still does....but we both know the truth one way or another

Rants not poetry

driving back this morning I cried
the good stuff came on
and I remember when you told me,"that's ok baby I'm supposed to eat burnt suppers the whole first year"
after the lemon chicken disaster
fun facts
hypnotize was the song playing on your ipod when I got back from springbreak
I miss you so much it hurts
you said you'll miss me this morning
but denied it this afternoon
so.....
you don't love me anymore
RIGHT......
I keep saying this over and over again
and yet it doesn't help
this isn't even about you
you were just one more man to walk out of my life
one more to let me down
so why do I keep going back?
do you remember me waking up bawling because I dreamed that you died just like daddy?
you held me close
and kissed the top of my head and said," I'll never leave you I promise"
LIES LIES LIES
was it all a lie
"we're friends"
that kills me
he called me your girl yesterday
I can't remember the last time someone said that
and you didn't even bother to correct him
I remember all the messages promising me that you wanted to change for me
that you wanted to marry me
that I was worth it
and for the first time in my entire life
I felt safe
I knew it would be ok
but it wasn't
still I see you every other week
just like I did before
I still hang up your clothes make you dinner do the dishes etc
but you don't love me right?
 I can't move on
hanging out with another guy feels WRONG
like I'm cheating on you
when we had our week in july
it was so unlike years before
no rash elopements
but
you said my song was "everything"
whatever happened to that
still
my perfect memory will always be us all oiled up
me in my tortilla chip bikini that's what you called it because it was so small
overlooking the ocean holding hands
 sitting in those damn chairs you had to bring
and yeah I'm still bitching
but my god I miss holding your hand
during something other than.....
I just wish you hadn't given up on me
because baby I still haven't given up on you

tell me

        Sometimes I'm not sure which way to go

Truth

I'm sick of the hurt
I just want sweet
simplify my life
lets get high from the music again
tell me the truth
bravery is beautiful
have the courage to be jealous
 a prized possession
wishful thinking
living in denial
I'm a damsel in distress
all the time
flat tires
locked in a room
prince charming is a joke
didn't you know?

PS: Sex and Candy is my ringtone again because I've been all head Carolina tails California and it didn't work I need me back

2 am thoughts

I believe you can sleep when you're dead

           I believe in pearls

   being called a wild child made my week

              and made me smile

        I think I should say I'm sorry because I am

I believe in cuddling and fighting because it's fun

         *** Lost causes are my speciality***

                 I have hope for everyone even those who dissapoint me 

     "he's my last project"

I can't remember how many times I've said that

      no one tells the truth

 a lie is prettier

                                                                       I'd rather not be taught a lesson right now

                                           let's see who breaks first.......
                                                              

I've always been the "difficult kind"

and we fall into the same old patterns
because it's easier than being alone
I think this as I laugh bitterly
I feel the wind on my face
as I careen through the night
hell bent on self destruction
a little bit at a time
because lets face it
"I'm too pretty to die"
I say as I inhale my cigarette
my passenger
a past mistake
laughs and shakes his head
I can't hear his voice over the music
and lets be honest I really didn't want to
I regretted bringing him along
his existence saddens me
passionless
I needed the burning end of a bright candle
to meet me in the middle
lost in thought
 I blink back
to the night I drove along the train
and I froze
memorizing the moment
now I know where it is
the only thing that lets me know
I'm not alone at 3 am

such a pretty lie

I remember the last night we spent together
we fought
like always but it was different this time
at the end
you wanted me to hold you
I held you in my arms kissed your head
while I whispered "I'm sorry"
and for once you said "me too"
I knew this would be the last night I ever held you
 when we were one
and it was
I pushed you away
over the edge
because you really didn't make me happy
the pain did
I can't remember our last kiss
and the fact that I may never see you again
scares me
I'm not angry I'm just broken
 your voice so cold now
I don't even know you
But this is how I remember you
I remember the beach
and making love in my favorite room
 going to daddy's grave
I wasn't  sure if I should take you there
but
the tears in your eyes surprised me
I thought he finally gets it
but you didn't
I miss that boy the one I thought I knew
but lets be honest
I was just the fallback girl
and now I go on like you don't exist
but you did
and the memories remain like a song lost in time

palm reader crossed off the list

it's done
At one time I imagined you being at the end of the aisle as I walked down
and now I'm not even sure if you really loved me at all
last night I thought you would have a bit more heart
but you were cold
making me feel like a common place whore
I don't know what's more wounded my pride or my heart
I thought it would be different
but it's not
different guy same story
this time he stayed a little longer
I just want someone to save me
I'm on the verge of a downward spiral and an uphill battle
I never thought I'd let myself get this bad
I don't regonize the girl in the mirror
she's foreign
somehow I lost myself again
and where to find it.....
I'm not quite sure
I do know that I have to stop making puzzle pieces try to fit together that don't belong
you were a piece and we just didn't quite align
oh i've said that so many times
goodbye



palm reader
god of wine
losing a whole year
how's it gonna be/wounded

thought

I'm too young to feel this old

Things I've been meaning to say for a while

I'm a rambling spirit always driving
bc I can't sleep
"I'll call you when I get home"
bullshit
I believe you should always say I love you before bed
I'm in limbo
I need direction
to somewhere other than a pack of cigarettes and a diet coke
I just want to drive to somewhere
where no one knows my name
I'm getting restless this always happens
my heart torn in two
bc I just don't know what to do
I can't stay here
but I can't go there
I spend too much time alone
moms asked me the other day to
"picture yourself in 5 years"
I don't even know what I'm doing this weekend
how the hell would I know what i'm doing with my life
I wanted so much more than this
and it just seems that I'm stuck
and there's no way out
I wanted to travel
see the world
all I ever see is the interstate
back and forth back and forth
my life in a bag
he doesn't seem to get that
Carolina heals my soul
in a way he never can
wild at heart
I'll always be
and he wants to settle down
there
I've never wanted to be in one place for too long
I need western skies
always looking wandering
maybe one of these days I'll run into myself
I don't wanna run away from love
but I don't want to be trapped bc of it
I always promised myself I'd see more do more
what am I doing now? NOTHING
I don't want to regret anything
but I want to be the way I used to be
I knew myself
now I'm scared of losing something
that's killing me
slowly
I used to have so much personality
but now I'm a shell
so I have to ask the question?
Can I be with you and get myself back?
here's to hoping

Ramblings ignore please

I made it through today
silly isn't after all these years
"she's really immature but cool"
"I'm buzzing don't ask for a list or I will give it to you"
a list of things wrong with me
here's a big middle finger to YOU
I'm not perfect I never will be
I used to be like you either love me or hate
and if you don't well
FUCK YOU
I don't even know who I am anymore
I feel like so much is missing 
Running away seems like my only antidote
like I can't stand to be in the same place for too long
because then I have to deal with me
I'm gonna fall asleep alone
and wake up alone
knowing that you say you love me but you could leave me
trusting praying you won't
and maybe tomorrow will be better
hope keeps us alive
I just need to remember that

Is there anybody out there?

once upon a time isn't that how all fairy tales start
 Well once upon a time I had it all
and it always hurts this time of year
we're coming up upon 9 years in 8 days
the sad thing?
it still feels like yesterday
yet it still feels like a dream
I always feel like a part of my heart is missing
and no one understands my soul
they just graze the top of it
I'm not screwed up like I always thought
just a little broken
like a scared puppy
no matter how many times I hear the words I love you
I have horrific nightmares of being left
no one understands that
the older I get the worse it becomes
tears keep spilling
while I wake up alone most of the time
haunted by memories of the past
knowing today won't be a fairytale
and daddy's forever gone

Fallen Princess

a princess no more
her crown gone
she now stands
in mustard yellow
no sorrow felt for her
she's taken every advantage
she had and thrown it away
do you see her in the mirror
no more facade's
she's young and broke
glamorous no more
what happened they ask
as whispers come her way
will depression ensue
no instead
she fakes a smile
while she cries herself to sleep
praying that it's one day closer
to being next to him
she tells no one
she lost her muchness
she can't find the words
more than anything she needs to know it's gonna be ok
and finally believe the words spoken to her
maybe someday she'll return castle intact
everyone's love and admiration surrounding her
but until then she remains
exactly what she is
a fallen princess

more caution less leaping

Wicked game the song that I blame for all recklessness committed in my life
the words compel me to do something crazy
like runaway never look back
isn't that something we all dream of
to have that time where we can't be found unless we want to be
I'm always told I'm crazy 
but a truly insane person wouldn't do the mundane things I do
tan workout go find a job get a job wait to start a job
my life used to sparkle
maybe that's all I want
or maybe I just need to be taken away from it all
but I'm an adult now and I have to act like it
or I get the one thing I really love taken away from me
it's sad when all I want is to play wicked game
smoke a cigarette and dance with you in the desert at dusk
maybe someday we can get there
but right now is not it
I don't want to whine anymore or bitch about the same old things
I just want to be under a desert sky
clouds everywhere about me
letting my heart reign free
this may not be my game or even my song
but it has my heart
just as much as you do

kiss light my heart

do you remember that time 

dancing in the rain 

kiss lighting cigarettes

when you don't even smoke

you do things just to make me smile

I didn't cry as I drove away today

but it breaks my heart every time 

I get on 24 going towards where I live 

it's not even home anymore 

home is where the heart is

and my heart beats with you 

it just feels right 

laying in your arms like we did this afternoon

you make me feel at peace 

and for a girl who's been at war for a long time 

I've finally surrendered to you 

letter #1

I really needed you tonight
just to hear your voice
to hear anything
I need a hug and you're not here
I can't stop crying because I see my baby brother suffer
why does your phone have to be dead
why.....do I need you like this why
I love you so much baby
I guess I rely on you too much
I just want someone to hold me
so i don't have to feel alone
I hate feeling alone

You're my favorite bright crayon

"So brown eyes I hold you near

Cause you’re the only song I want to hear"


The smell of honeysuckle hits me
as I drive down kingston
 headed to the park
my park knowing you won't be there
you're about 90 miles west of me
but I can't go back right now
not with everyone at home counting on me
I don't do great with change
all I want is your arms wrapped about me
instead I'm alone in my room
staring at my phone
old school death cab blaring
Soul meets body
Summer begins and together we aren't physically
but in spirit always
do you miss me as much as I miss you?
has it sunk in yet?
do you hate sleeping alone?
do you miss telling me how to drive
having someone to be with always?
Can a dog replace someone like me?
I'm your crazy little girl
who would cover the world in sparkles and pearls
if she could
I miss you
I thought by now I would have run far away
but I can't do that
my hearts with you
I don't know if you understand
it yet but you saved me from myself

Sunflowers of Time

The smell of strawberry lemonade


Reminds me of my mother

Her hair blowing in the wind of open windows

Looking perfectly in love with my father

As she dances with him with

To wicked game and doesn’t realize I’m out of bed

I forgot to put the plastic flowers on your grave daddy

I miss you tonight because I’m not sure where I’m going

And I fall in more in love each day

Ready or Not......here I am

Questions big and little
do I start a new one
let the memories of the old one fade to grey
just like the ones in the past
as I change I look inside to remember who I am
it goes beyond my clothes and hair
my skin no longer the same
and somehow
I feel like I know myself better
as if no longer relying on the external
I found the internal again
little girl lost
now little girl found
I guess you do
 really love me underneath it all

Collide

your fingers in my hair
and the conversations we have
are neverending
round and round
we go
and I close my eyes
remembering the way
it once was
all I want is someone
to hold my hand
is that to much to ask?

Bye Bye

I'm sick of living for you
So I'm leaving
slowly but surely
I'll make sure you're ok
but I can't remain around forever
if only I had kept my mouth shut
we would be on the beach right this moment
and you would have asked me to be yours
of course
that will never happen now
you're the kind of girl I can marry
but I can't date
is all you ever say
so bye bye for now
but for the record
I still love you
even if we aren't meant to be

I just want you to be the one to hold my hand

You came like a thief in the night
through the backdoor in my heart
while I was on guard in the front
with walls up and doors locked
just in case you tried anything
with watchful eyes I think I'm all alone
except I feel your hand wrap about my waist
as you pull me in
your breath on my neck
and when our eyes met
I just knew
I'd fallen for you

27's

1/22/11

3:28 am

We left the ordinary behind

and embraced the unknown

Brilliant thought of the day

Me: "That's what I need wes!! A boy who would make mixes!

Wes: "No it isn't"

Me: "what do I need"

Wes: " To find someone you can accept for who they are
            Not who you want them to be"

Jump off the hot mess express

So I'm sick of my themesong in life being let her cry
and always being the wounded girl in the room
no one gets close anymore
kisses don't mean a thing
and boys have been gone through like water bottles
that's not what I want
it's not who I am
I want to love without restrain
enjoy life to the fullest
to appreciate the small things
I want to become what I once was
the fire has burned out
it's time to rekindle my flame for life
I wanna burn bright
but not in a self destructive way
I wanna take care of someone
and in turn have them take care of me
it's time to focus less on myself more on other's
to just love....my heart is filled with
so much hate resentment and sarcastic comments
it needs not to be
silence is on my top 10 list of things I hate
one thing at a time
I'm going to try to turn off my brain to think of nothing
boys so often talk about
I've never thought of nothing
when I try the word nothing
is being said over and over in my head
If I'm finally pegged as insane
please let it be known I tried
and didn't want to cry
hopefully misery kicked me out
of the house by then
I'll have to get back to you on that one
I kind of want mystery for now
with that I'll leave to breathe life
just breathe

Here's to the Volcano Girls

"A million miles of running and
I hit the wall,
I bounce back and I run some more.
But this is it, I'm giving up,
I'm calling quits.
So get down and meet me on the floor"


2011 let's go new years resolution already broken
once again idgie jumped a train
I'm here alone stuck in a room
surrounded by empty diet coke cans
wearing my usual uniform of highheels and pajamas
I'm sorry that I feel as if I don't know you anymore
I don't really know anyone anymore
not really
but it doesn't matter
are these emotions real or fake
syndicated by what I want to happen
someone to take me away
and take care of me
you think I should take a break from guys
I tried to explain no one gets close to my heart
and that's the problem
this one might make it
well it depends on if
he's worth my heart
but how does anyone know that?
Risks are a bitch
and idgie you're free to go
but remember no man is ever worth your freedom
he has to be free along with you
I love you
always and forever