Sunday, February 28, 2010


I open up my hands
and remember the way
yours unfurled into mine
I would kiss your fingertips
and look up
wide eyed
you said via txt I reminded you of Rose from the Titanic
rolling my eyes,"of course I do everyone says that"
watching it now
it had to be the way I played with your hands
as if drawing lines with my fingers
could bring me closer to your heart
as hot tears roll down my face now
as it always does with the end of this movie
he tells her, "never let go"
and we never do let go
memories never die
even as people change 
We keep them just as they were the last time we saw them
forever young ,beautiful ,and always loving
now as I look back on all I've given up to keep only a memory alive
those people don't exist anymore
yet I keep on wishing the future away
to go back to a past that wasn't mine to live
but why shouldnt I," it was a hell of  a long ride"
one never to be forgotten
wish you were here
I never let go

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Mrs. Robinson was cooler than the graduate

color outside the lines
you fail kindergarten
In a way
senior year is kind of like kindergarten
you go through similar emotions
knees shaking shortness of breath
really wishing for that
kickass box of crayola
we all count down to graduation
but aren't you scared
tell the truth
blustering like hens
contradicting words become truth
because we just can't make up YOUR mind
as you march on down
in cap n gown
looking back towards the door
wanting to leave and never come back
to this place of crayon persecution
officiating it is not needed for anyone
but mom
This is for her more than me
I could do without the blue
the smock like zip up is a little unflattering
if only graduation could be a little more like prom

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Definitely Maybe

At the moment
I'm uninspired
and not admired
in the way I would choose to be
Your father did not recognize me
but of course remembered Grace Kelly
I was pulled aside while he looked on
secrets whispered and giggles ensued
boys are silly even at 21
Am I to go alone
for 5 min to show them that "they didn't break me"
my movie references no one understands
You tried for a day
and then regressed
You warn me about what you "could do"
You can't hurt me
I hope you realize hell and back came
you were not there for either
If can't force myself to look at you
I sure as hell can't like you
Today at least
maybe tomorrow
or when we talk till dawn
but you my friend are a definite maybe

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Guest Writer of the Month is..Lorraine May

 The guest writer  this month is one of my very best friends. She wrote this with her heart still broken but healing, she like me learned the hard way about trust and love.

I look back on it now,
the way you said you loved me.
The way you looked at me
and I was sure I would always be by your side
takes me by surprise now.

I always thought it would be you,
but it was me.
I look back on it now

the nights spent together
and the days of just you and me.
The sacrifices I made before and after
were too much.
I was not prepared for this alternate ending.

I look back today,
and I ask if it was real.
The worst part of it all is that I know it wasn’t.
It was all fake.
It was all a mistake.
How can you love someone enough to let them go?

I’m different now.
I don’t want you to love me.

There are a few things that remind me of that time, of you.
My heartbreak. My tears. My love.
But those now still don’t make me believe.
Only the pictures of us make me think we ever existed together.

“Was it ever worth it? Was there all that much to gain? Well we knew we missed the boat and we’d already missed the plane.”-Modest Mouse

“I remember when the days were long and the nights when the living room was on the lawn. Constant quarreling, the childish fits, and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman. All the slander and double-speak were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean anything but the blatant proof was you lips touching mine in the photobooth.”- Death Cab for Cutie

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Peacock wrapped about my neck....says the village idiot

He's pinned together
like a jacket from
punk glam
yesternight had fallen
and the door opened
with a gunshot round about
gone insane from the pain
of wrong love
bonfire started
evidence burned
as the smell of plastic
singes the air
tears fall from his eyes
upon his scarred face
his sternum cracked discovered
when death emerged
caused by the rage of brother to brother
Cain and Abel
if Abel had lived
only to be buried
feet first in front of him
the trees whisper
daddy's getting what he deserves
rather than die or even live alone
he became a prisoner in his own body
whatever happened to him?
Time wasn't in his plans
the cancer ate today
a horrid death
to succumb to
what if he really wasn't
what if Texas held my identity
an overused phrase WHAT IF
makes up most of society's panic
what if the all seeing eye blinded itself
Ridiculous thoughts will always occur

Monday, February 8, 2010

Stop over reading me....I want something chaotic

I do not imagine things that cannot happen
or at least things I don't want to happen
I am not a what if scenario kind of girl
a bitter pill is what I am
and no matter how many combating remedies I take
none seem to make me a happy doll
brooding in the corner of the library
I never thought Valentine's Day would be this hard
I thought you would come around
obviously not
it's easier for yesteryear
to say hello
 you little girl
I'm sick of the excuses
You don't understand me
I don't play tactic games you moron
I live in a world that exists outside of video games
either love me or leave me the hell alone

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

This year's Love

         It's February the air is filled with hope and dread. The hope of people in love praying that their significant other fulfills their expectation of what a "valentine" is. Dread coming from people like me single people who have mixed emotions about the holiday. I have decided not only do I have little relationship knowledge I'm slightly challenged when it comes to relationships. I am only seventeen and should probably give myself a little bit of slack. How can I though,in a world that is relationship obsessed? I have never had a successful long term relationship. As a young girl I yearned for a love  like my parents had and that is what I have expected an amazing story like theirs. I've had to realize I can't find my father in another guy. He is dead and gone I have to go on and live my own story. Not letting the past define my life. A person dear to me said,"Love isn't about the big things like we always imagine. It's about the little things in between that lead to the big moments. It's spinning in the road or going in the snow or kissing the forehead or saying good morning. Without those there isn't a friendship in love it's forced."(JMM) I've been in love but I have never been loved as deeply as I loved. . No matter how much you love someone you cannot force them to love you back. I have to remember that the little boy who cried "love" is just that a little boy. So this February I will not allow my past to define my attitude towards Valentine's Day. So ladies and gents wear pink and red enjoy the candy and love everyone. Oh and don't stop believing....