2 am thoughts

I believe you can sleep when you're dead

           I believe in pearls

   being called a wild child made my week

              and made me smile

        I think I should say I'm sorry because I am

I believe in cuddling and fighting because it's fun

         *** Lost causes are my speciality***

                 I have hope for everyone even those who dissapoint me 

     "he's my last project"

I can't remember how many times I've said that

      no one tells the truth

 a lie is prettier

                                                                       I'd rather not be taught a lesson right now

                                           let's see who breaks first.......
                                                              

I've always been the "difficult kind"

and we fall into the same old patterns
because it's easier than being alone
I think this as I laugh bitterly
I feel the wind on my face
as I careen through the night
hell bent on self destruction
a little bit at a time
because lets face it
"I'm too pretty to die"
I say as I inhale my cigarette
my passenger
a past mistake
laughs and shakes his head
I can't hear his voice over the music
and lets be honest I really didn't want to
I regretted bringing him along
his existence saddens me
passionless
I needed the burning end of a bright candle
to meet me in the middle
lost in thought
 I blink back
to the night I drove along the train
and I froze
memorizing the moment
now I know where it is
the only thing that lets me know
I'm not alone at 3 am

such a pretty lie

I remember the last night we spent together
we fought
like always but it was different this time
at the end
you wanted me to hold you
I held you in my arms kissed your head
while I whispered "I'm sorry"
and for once you said "me too"
I knew this would be the last night I ever held you
 when we were one
and it was
I pushed you away
over the edge
because you really didn't make me happy
the pain did
I can't remember our last kiss
and the fact that I may never see you again
scares me
I'm not angry I'm just broken
 your voice so cold now
I don't even know you
But this is how I remember you
I remember the beach
and making love in my favorite room
 going to daddy's grave
I wasn't  sure if I should take you there
but
the tears in your eyes surprised me
I thought he finally gets it
but you didn't
I miss that boy the one I thought I knew
but lets be honest
I was just the fallback girl
and now I go on like you don't exist
but you did
and the memories remain like a song lost in time

palm reader crossed off the list

it's done
At one time I imagined you being at the end of the aisle as I walked down
and now I'm not even sure if you really loved me at all
last night I thought you would have a bit more heart
but you were cold
making me feel like a common place whore
I don't know what's more wounded my pride or my heart
I thought it would be different
but it's not
different guy same story
this time he stayed a little longer
I just want someone to save me
I'm on the verge of a downward spiral and an uphill battle
I never thought I'd let myself get this bad
I don't regonize the girl in the mirror
she's foreign
somehow I lost myself again
and where to find it.....
I'm not quite sure
I do know that I have to stop making puzzle pieces try to fit together that don't belong
you were a piece and we just didn't quite align
oh i've said that so many times
goodbye



palm reader
god of wine
losing a whole year
how's it gonna be/wounded

thought

I'm too young to feel this old

Things I've been meaning to say for a while

I'm a rambling spirit always driving
bc I can't sleep
"I'll call you when I get home"
bullshit
I believe you should always say I love you before bed
I'm in limbo
I need direction
to somewhere other than a pack of cigarettes and a diet coke
I just want to drive to somewhere
where no one knows my name
I'm getting restless this always happens
my heart torn in two
bc I just don't know what to do
I can't stay here
but I can't go there
I spend too much time alone
moms asked me the other day to
"picture yourself in 5 years"
I don't even know what I'm doing this weekend
how the hell would I know what i'm doing with my life
I wanted so much more than this
and it just seems that I'm stuck
and there's no way out
I wanted to travel
see the world
all I ever see is the interstate
back and forth back and forth
my life in a bag
he doesn't seem to get that
Carolina heals my soul
in a way he never can
wild at heart
I'll always be
and he wants to settle down
there
I've never wanted to be in one place for too long
I need western skies
always looking wandering
maybe one of these days I'll run into myself
I don't wanna run away from love
but I don't want to be trapped bc of it
I always promised myself I'd see more do more
what am I doing now? NOTHING
I don't want to regret anything
but I want to be the way I used to be
I knew myself
now I'm scared of losing something
that's killing me
slowly
I used to have so much personality
but now I'm a shell
so I have to ask the question?
Can I be with you and get myself back?
here's to hoping

Ramblings ignore please

I made it through today
silly isn't after all these years
"she's really immature but cool"
"I'm buzzing don't ask for a list or I will give it to you"
a list of things wrong with me
here's a big middle finger to YOU
I'm not perfect I never will be
I used to be like you either love me or hate
and if you don't well
FUCK YOU
I don't even know who I am anymore
I feel like so much is missing 
Running away seems like my only antidote
like I can't stand to be in the same place for too long
because then I have to deal with me
I'm gonna fall asleep alone
and wake up alone
knowing that you say you love me but you could leave me
trusting praying you won't
and maybe tomorrow will be better
hope keeps us alive
I just need to remember that