Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Yesterday is the new Tomorrow

Something, was off today and I couldn't quite understand what it was. I, felt a certain type of pain that dagger in the heart kind. I guess we can go back to the afternoon. I came down to my mother's classroom and I roamed the halls. I, bumped into this little kid that I knew who is only thirteen and I was thrown back into time. He reminded me of a best friend of mine at his age and it made me feel thirteen again.

Let, me just say being thirteen was hell I hated the world and everyone in it,but like three people. I meditated to Jimi Hendrix every morning while drinking a huge cup of coffee. That's when I learned to really drown out the world with music. At, night I would have to listen to "comfortably numb" by Pink Floyd just to sleep. I can't believe thirteen was only three and half years ago, but so much has happened to me I'm different. Some, days it's a great thing and others I wish I could go back to being naive and just thinking I was so jaded. I didn't know a damn thing about boys, life, or even school. Maybe, that's why I felt so lost I seem to still be running from my demons of yesterday. I know it's time to move on, but some days I just can't let the past go.

Today, as I went to my grandparents house for supper I felt this urge to just cry but I couldn't. Instead I went downstairs to see if I could work on their ancient computer for English except, their Internet wasn't working. I was left without anything to do. I needed comfort and solace so I went to the garage. I thought, maybe working out would clear my head. Yeah, not so much I just couldn't get motivated.

I was just really craving solace and a place to feel at home. My dads truck is in their garage my Papa drives it. I decide to go sit inside. I try the passenger side first which is locked. Disappointing to me, but I went around to the driver's side and I opened the door. This door happens to be slightly off hinge but it still works. I climb in and sit there and smell he's been gone for six years, but it still smells like him. This, musky smell that you can only get from working with metal. He, worked his finger to the bone for me and I know he would be disappointed in me now, because I'm not his perfect angel that I was when he was alive. Just, as a part of my mother died with him my childhood was buried with him.

Going, back in his truck I remembered him picking me up from dance and taking me home with the windows down and music blasting. I swear I could feel myself just let go. I opened up my drink and just let the caffeine soak into my veins. Soothing the aching headache I had. I put in my ipod and just felt carefree. Still, broken don't get me wrong, but I felt that kind of safety a girl does when she gets her first boyfriend and she believes him when he says I love you. That, beautiful innocence that is only on an unmarked heart.

I realized then that I was going to be ok and I didn't have to resort to drastic measures to make the pain go away. I just needed a trip to yesterday. I've always said,"Yesterday is the new tomorrow" because history repeats itself again and again. Sometimes, by looking back you're actually looking forward.

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